(no subject)
Livejournal, things are up and then they are down lately.
The up is that they've released a generic of Adderall and its gone from 70+ to ten dollars which means I can afford it again after months of not having it. Which means I can focus and feel motivated which improves my mood quite a lot on some days.
The downs are depression is still a part of my daily life and I've been thinking about suicide a lot. And I feel like some Borderline stuff is getting worse and they're getting out of hand which makes me feel crazy and at times pathetic. Certain things, super small possibly non-existent things, make me paranoid and anxious. It seems like more and more tv shows/movies make me too anxious to be able to watch them. And I feel like I'm in another world than everyone else. I don't feel connected to anyone. And of course, I think about cutting a lot.
And then out of no where my face started to bother me. I've had minimal negative thoughts about my body in the last six months, just normal stuff. I thought all the trans related body-hatred was done with. But now I'm looking at my face and not seeing a girls face and all these things start screaming "male" and FFS started popping into my mind (not that I could ever afford it). So I'm just like, what the fuck? Why is this back?
The up is that they've released a generic of Adderall and its gone from 70+ to ten dollars which means I can afford it again after months of not having it. Which means I can focus and feel motivated which improves my mood quite a lot on some days.
The downs are depression is still a part of my daily life and I've been thinking about suicide a lot. And I feel like some Borderline stuff is getting worse and they're getting out of hand which makes me feel crazy and at times pathetic. Certain things, super small possibly non-existent things, make me paranoid and anxious. It seems like more and more tv shows/movies make me too anxious to be able to watch them. And I feel like I'm in another world than everyone else. I don't feel connected to anyone. And of course, I think about cutting a lot.
And then out of no where my face started to bother me. I've had minimal negative thoughts about my body in the last six months, just normal stuff. I thought all the trans related body-hatred was done with. But now I'm looking at my face and not seeing a girls face and all these things start screaming "male" and FFS started popping into my mind (not that I could ever afford it). So I'm just like, what the fuck? Why is this back?