And So It Ends
Some of you may or may not know this but I had been in a relationship with an all in all wonderful woman since early October. It was a good experience and one that I will place quite proudly in my highlight real at the end of my life. I say this because in the wee hours of this Monday morning my courting relationship with Cassie has ended.
Some of you may be suprized, some of you may jeer, most of you will probably say "Who? When?". Regardless of your reactions, the truth remains the same--My (dating) life is finished (for now).
Oddly enough though, when she called me to spring the news, all I could do was laugh. Four and a half months have gone by in this long distance dating relationship. Most of the time spent together was either through IM or phone conversation. Whenever we spent time together either I had to get a ride home from friends or the dog or it was always en route back somewhere (either to EMU or GR). The one time that it was planned for her to come down and spend time with me (which would have been this tues), that week she decides to finally end things. I mean, how can this not be funny? Its like something right out of a sitcom: Guy tries desperately to keep things afloat, things things are getting better, then just before the event he had been eagerly waiting/planning for BAM reality collapses beneath him and the laughter sign is cued.
Yeah, it does hurt still. How can any of this not hurt when someone whom you love removes themself from that love? I invested a lot of time and emotion into her life. I made many sacrifices and did my best to be constantly positive and encouraging to her. But as time went on, we became slowly incompatible with each other. As the days past, I was growing deeper and deeper in love by leaps and bounds. I was excited about everything and wanted to take in each part about dating and love to its very utmost. I did this believing that it would create a fertile garden in which our love would grow and prosper. But what I didnt know is that the things of the past caused the other half of the relationship to move with trepidation. The longer we were together, the deeper my feelings grew and the deeper the rift that was between us became. I was ignorant, blinded, and idealistic... ok scratch "was" and replace that with "am".
I knew that there were a lot of things that were in her life that effected her in a negative way. I knew that this gave her ideas about how the world was and what guys were truly like in their souls. This was taught to her over and over again but the guys that she had dated previously and much of that roots in her relationship with her Dad. I never knew how deep they were though. I never understood how much it permeated her heart. It was impossible for me to empathize as Ive only had things effect me for a few years at a time. Sure, I have my issues that I deal with too but none of these were as harmful or as extensive as what hers have been. I had connected with her on such a deep level that when she opened up about the deep-seeded pain in her life I felt that same pain. In response to that, I dealt with it in the way that Ive learned to deal with pain that has come in my life: humor. She saw this as something to escape the problem which then meant that I couldnt deal with her pain and made her feel invalidated.
"You only know someone else's pain to the extent that you know your own"
I thought that feeling one another's pain was a sign of kinship. I thought that allowing myself to get that close would allow for her to be able to trust me and to open up. What I didnt think about was that which was so valuable to me in my own pain was such a abomination to Cassie in hers. And my stupid, thick-headed brain could not see this until it was too late.
There was an incredible amount of tension between us during this time. Things would come up, Cassie would want to say something, and Id do some block headed thing to mess it all up. Never purposefully and rarely continuous of it until it was too late. I was becoming more aware of this and trying what I thought I needed to do to fix things. If things that I was doing naturally were causing the one I loved to feel pain, then I will change those things I naturally do. Sacrifice is a big part of any relationship and I was willing to do what was necessary for her benefit. But this was something that was so much a part of my life that I became something less of myself and tried to be the perfect man that she needed. I became stressed, agitated, and at times unable to have the conversations as before because I was so worried about saying the wrong things. It got to a point where I didn't know where to go because it seemed like everything I did was wrong. I just stopped being me and became a different person. I dont know who but it was someone Ive never known before. It even got to the point where we it was like we were talking two completely different languages.
Just prior to this last week I was talking to some married friends about all of this and of some of underlining problems I was personally feeling about the whole situation. That talk showed me that I was being too needy and that I really wasn't being as thoughtful and sacrificial as I should have been. I worked hard to try to tell her that the time we were going to spend that week was just going to be with her and for her. No kissing, no making out, just whatever she wanted to do. It kinda worked. The first day together was her initiation, the second was my confusion and my initiation, the third... well, never happened. After a call she made to me saying that she was going to cancel because of "Issues she had to sort out", I became paranoid and hours later wrote an email that became a form of peaceable frustration over my feelings and lack of information. By that email she was prompted into pulling the plug on our relationship.
In a way I feel like I failed. I wasnt able to be myself and also meet her needs at the same time. There were many times in which I went for my own preferences without thinking of hers before hand. I was needy. I was arrogant. I was bullheaded.
But I was taught a lot of things too:
That it is possible to survive through a long-distance relationship.
I have a firm grasp of my boundaries and I willfully stick to them.
I have a high capacity for love and passion.
That without humor it is easy for me to forget the promises of God and His faithfulness through in the midst of trials.
Some of you may be suprized, some of you may jeer, most of you will probably say "Who? When?". Regardless of your reactions, the truth remains the same--My (dating) life is finished (for now).
Oddly enough though, when she called me to spring the news, all I could do was laugh. Four and a half months have gone by in this long distance dating relationship. Most of the time spent together was either through IM or phone conversation. Whenever we spent time together either I had to get a ride home from friends or the dog or it was always en route back somewhere (either to EMU or GR). The one time that it was planned for her to come down and spend time with me (which would have been this tues), that week she decides to finally end things. I mean, how can this not be funny? Its like something right out of a sitcom: Guy tries desperately to keep things afloat, things things are getting better, then just before the event he had been eagerly waiting/planning for BAM reality collapses beneath him and the laughter sign is cued.
Yeah, it does hurt still. How can any of this not hurt when someone whom you love removes themself from that love? I invested a lot of time and emotion into her life. I made many sacrifices and did my best to be constantly positive and encouraging to her. But as time went on, we became slowly incompatible with each other. As the days past, I was growing deeper and deeper in love by leaps and bounds. I was excited about everything and wanted to take in each part about dating and love to its very utmost. I did this believing that it would create a fertile garden in which our love would grow and prosper. But what I didnt know is that the things of the past caused the other half of the relationship to move with trepidation. The longer we were together, the deeper my feelings grew and the deeper the rift that was between us became. I was ignorant, blinded, and idealistic... ok scratch "was" and replace that with "am".
I knew that there were a lot of things that were in her life that effected her in a negative way. I knew that this gave her ideas about how the world was and what guys were truly like in their souls. This was taught to her over and over again but the guys that she had dated previously and much of that roots in her relationship with her Dad. I never knew how deep they were though. I never understood how much it permeated her heart. It was impossible for me to empathize as Ive only had things effect me for a few years at a time. Sure, I have my issues that I deal with too but none of these were as harmful or as extensive as what hers have been. I had connected with her on such a deep level that when she opened up about the deep-seeded pain in her life I felt that same pain. In response to that, I dealt with it in the way that Ive learned to deal with pain that has come in my life: humor. She saw this as something to escape the problem which then meant that I couldnt deal with her pain and made her feel invalidated.
"You only know someone else's pain to the extent that you know your own"
I thought that feeling one another's pain was a sign of kinship. I thought that allowing myself to get that close would allow for her to be able to trust me and to open up. What I didnt think about was that which was so valuable to me in my own pain was such a abomination to Cassie in hers. And my stupid, thick-headed brain could not see this until it was too late.
There was an incredible amount of tension between us during this time. Things would come up, Cassie would want to say something, and Id do some block headed thing to mess it all up. Never purposefully and rarely continuous of it until it was too late. I was becoming more aware of this and trying what I thought I needed to do to fix things. If things that I was doing naturally were causing the one I loved to feel pain, then I will change those things I naturally do. Sacrifice is a big part of any relationship and I was willing to do what was necessary for her benefit. But this was something that was so much a part of my life that I became something less of myself and tried to be the perfect man that she needed. I became stressed, agitated, and at times unable to have the conversations as before because I was so worried about saying the wrong things. It got to a point where I didn't know where to go because it seemed like everything I did was wrong. I just stopped being me and became a different person. I dont know who but it was someone Ive never known before. It even got to the point where we it was like we were talking two completely different languages.
Just prior to this last week I was talking to some married friends about all of this and of some of underlining problems I was personally feeling about the whole situation. That talk showed me that I was being too needy and that I really wasn't being as thoughtful and sacrificial as I should have been. I worked hard to try to tell her that the time we were going to spend that week was just going to be with her and for her. No kissing, no making out, just whatever she wanted to do. It kinda worked. The first day together was her initiation, the second was my confusion and my initiation, the third... well, never happened. After a call she made to me saying that she was going to cancel because of "Issues she had to sort out", I became paranoid and hours later wrote an email that became a form of peaceable frustration over my feelings and lack of information. By that email she was prompted into pulling the plug on our relationship.
In a way I feel like I failed. I wasnt able to be myself and also meet her needs at the same time. There were many times in which I went for my own preferences without thinking of hers before hand. I was needy. I was arrogant. I was bullheaded.
But I was taught a lot of things too:
That it is possible to survive through a long-distance relationship.
I have a firm grasp of my boundaries and I willfully stick to them.
I have a high capacity for love and passion.
That without humor it is easy for me to forget the promises of God and His faithfulness through in the midst of trials.