(no subject)
I was reading my World War One book today and I got really really sad about not going back to UOP. That might sound like a weird connection, but the one thing I am really giving up by not going back is that history degree. I mean, I guess I can go back when I am older and get it, but that is such an "if". I'm not used to having "ifs" in my life. I have always been so sure of what I was going to do with my life and college and everything. I mean, I had the rest of my life set and now it is all in the air. Sure, I know what I'm going to be doing for the next six months, but after that...who knows? I have so many more decisions to make, and I thought I was done with them. I was going to get two BAs in theatre and history, then my masters in history and my PhD in history and then be a history professor at some college. I was going to get married at 27 and adopt 2 kids. And now, all of asudden, I am going for ONLY my theatre degree? Nothing to fall back on. No sure plan of when I am going to be doing what, if I'm going to get my masters, if I'm going to go to New York or LA, if Im going to teach. This might seem like nothing to some people, but I need my life planned out. I need to have a set list of what I need to accomplish and when and I don't and CAN'T have it with this new life I've decided on. Am I even good enough to go for theatre? I'm sure as hell not skinny enough, or even pretty enough. Therefore, I need to rely on my talent, but do I have enough. I'm not a good dancer, I can't belt, I have a stage voice...all I am really good at is having a ton of energy and smiling big. Its true, my face lights up the stage...but how far can that get me? Far in community theatre, sure. But how long do I want to be in community theater?? NOT LONG, thats for damn sure. I want to make a living with this stuff, but so does everyone. What makes me so special? I better improve ten times if I want to continue in this business. Continue?? What am I talking about? I need to improve ten times if I even want to START in this business.