frustrations
Today was the first day of classes. (Remember, we had Winter Term for January, so we're just now starting spring semester.) In a way it's nice to be back into the old routine, but a newer version, although after the peace of Winter Term I expected it to be tough getting back. I forgot how busy the campus usually is! It's been almost dead this last month.
I've had 3 of the 4 classes so far. Moons and Planets should be really cool. I like the subject matter, and the prof seems really nice and laid-back. I don't think the class will be too much work, and it interests me. Go figure that I'm interested in stuff that's millions of miles away and doesn't really matter to my life, but I am feeling uninspired about my Foundations of Education class, a class concerning my chosen career.
I also have US Women's History 1700-1900, which sounds okay. This is where I started realizing how lazy I am sometimes. There's a LOT of reading, and I'm not excited. Hopefully the subject matter is good. I dunno... it seems a little too philosophical and abstract for my taste. I really hope I'm wrong.
I felt even worse when I went to Foundations of Education. I should be excited, right? But the whole time I was dreading the work. And worrying that I won't understand all the philosophies we study, and all this other stuff. Or thinking that I'll get upset over stuff I don't agree with. And then I start thinking I won't even be a good teacher.
It's really weird. I get interested in bizarre things no one else cares about and research them, and I spend hours writing in journals and such. But when it comes to school, I dread all that. Supposedly I'm "really good" at abstract thinking- but I hate it in class when things get all abstract-y. I get really lost and bored. I'm such a contradiction. Maybe I don't like being forced to do stuff.
As a teacher, I bet I will have difficulty assigning homework or making kids do hard work, since I have such an aversion to the whole idea myself. I do want to be an excellent teacher who they learn a lot from, but I don't want them to hate school, I guess. I want my students to LOOK FORWARD to school.
I have a bad feeling that I am lazy. And that I don't care about some things that I should, like stuff we talk about in some classes. It's not a good feeling. I feel, perhaps without justification, that I am not a good student compared to other DePauw kids. (I am on the Dean's List though, so maybe I'm being too hard on myself.) They all seem smart and prepared and unbothered by all the work. Meanwhile I'm just dreading the essays and tests and reading. I don't get myself! Where is this mental block? Maybe I should sleep on a regular schedule or something... I don't know. Argh!