Swimming while sitting
These past few days have been rather anxious ones. For some reason my insides persisted that I had a reason to be stressed and for them to be shaky although I was reluctant to listen. They were the kind of days that I wish I could smoke a cigarette (giving me a reason to sigh more) then kiss a boy so he could taste my stress. All rather silly I suppose but writing and shoving my face in a pillow just wasn't cutting it. Between the pointless auditions and the lack of hope that I have left in my magic bag of pick-me-ups, there was plenty to make me wish I could lead a different life. Today, however, things got back on track. I didn't lash out and I didn't run away to attempt to hermit in my room. Instead I became productive and utilized the new found vigor in my knee.
I have opened up to the world of company auditions again and I can only hope that it is the right thing. I start rehearsals for the piece I am choreographing on Thursday so perhaps my creative hat won't be so dusty any longer. I have many things on my list to do, yet I just haven't gotten around to doing them. Other than homework and figuring out how to undo my own destructive mess, there just wasn't much energy to direct. Meh, we shall see what a different day brings me tomorrow.
I demonstrated the adagio today in class again. Although shaky, it was good to be trusted again. My muscles are sore and tight but I like to see this as a good thing. At least my body has not stopped working. My nights have not been pleasant sleeping but perhaps when I decide to retire tonight, that will change. Right now, I am at the in between point where on one side, I have the light of a new day and on the other, I have the desire to just let my brain stop for a second. Do you know how many times I have been told that I over-analyze this week? I wonder, has it gotten that much worse? Well, perhaps not anymore......... so, that exciting thing that I felt like was coming my direction, now would be a good time......I think.