Burning
Today was rather shitty. I don't have a lot of energy left so this will be rather brief, but it kind of feels like when I need someone the most, there isn't anyone there. And almost everyone I'm close to...needs a lot of fixing. I'm not trying to be mean. I know I have a lot of things I NEED to work on. Thing is, I am working on those things. I'm not trying to be critical but for a few people they whine about how nothing improves but I have yet to see or hear them take action to fix it. I have NO empathy for that. I know. NOT my place, but when you talk to me about it, ask me about stuff, and call me up. Of course I think it becomes my business. Maybe I should try being nicer? That hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past. Besides that would enable that kind of behavior. Would it not? I don't know. Maybe I should just sit and listen and act how they want. Give them the reaction they desire. I don't even tell them half the things I feel out of fear of their reaction. They can't handle it. No matter how nicely I put it. Even if I take all the blame. It's still just fucked. I don't know. Tonight made me realize I'm not sure I can handle having some of these people in my life. It is so emotionally exhausting. I don't need any more mood fluctuations. I have that what's it called..."chemical imbalance" lol. Yeah. That's like the best way to avoid taking responsibility for your problems. Don't worry, it's because your mind and hormone are out of whack. Not at all your fault :) smile! lol. GRRR. I know. I'm so cynical. And I can be. Which is WHY I feel like a bad person. Who am I to be so judgmental and critical? It doesn't improve my self esteem or self image. Really, it makes me feel worse. I'm not like that with a lot of people, just a certain few. Maybe they bring out the worst in me? I am quite aware of my problems. My flaws. The things I do that may annoy or bother people. And for the most part I try. I tried SO FUCKING HARD TONIGHT. It still wasn't enough. I don't think I'll ever be able to win. This wasn't how I wanted to spend the last day of my high school career. Go figure. Things always have a way of...getting fucked. Isn't that life? live. Learn. Deal. Experiences build character. Or so they claim. Who knows. I would like to think then I have like a lot of character built...lol. Yeah. I'm funny. Okay no not so much. But seriously. I'm about to collapse. I walked...well kinda like I don't know what it was, but I was so mad walking home I was like scowling and like godfuckingdamnitIcan'tstandher the whole way. So like for a mile, but I just was like speed walking which was funny since I was wearing clogs which were like...falling off, which made me more mad. Vicious cycle. I tell you. So when I got home I was like FUCK! And I know that's not lady like or mature. But sometimes you just.....gotta go with the feel. That's what I did. So I actually kinda semi screamed. I don't ever do that. I was like AAAAAAAH. I am still kinda angry but its subsided. I don't stay angry long, and definitely don't hold grudges (to the best of my knowledge..though some may be hidden below the surface that I have yet to recognize) oh well. I'm trying. It's hard recognizing other people's feelings. I'm so used to people ignoring everyone else's but their own. But I try so hard not to hurt people. But with her it's like I just can NOT win. I don't even know what it's about. We just clash. GOD. Then there's so much else. I won't even start on that or I won't get to bed for like another hour. So tomorrow it is. Wish me luck.