Do they drink fair trade coffee in europe?
Last night, lying in my bed on the floor, some things crystallized in my head. There are few things as lonely as being in the wrong bed, and the closest I've really ever come to homesickness is when I don't have my loft. Something just feels wrong and lonely being on the ground, the space of the room opening up above you. There's nothing there to buffer the effects of all that space, there's no feeling of security or of a cocoon.
I realized that I would never be sleeping in that loft again, and i realized that this was going to be another one of those "steps". It just started feeling real. It hadn't before.
This morning I woke up and realized that I wanted to be loved by one of Murakami's male characters. Honest, careful, imperfect. I wanted to have a body to lay against, warmth to feel, a shoulder to press my forehead against. I want to be found attractive in the "to draw to or towards" sense of the word by someone who doesn't necessarily know me as a person. It's all well and good to be loved and thought attractive by people who know you as a heart and mind, but the effect is somewhat lost when they are not a gender/orientation that wants to date your gender/orientation, or when they are are so lovingly relationship-ified as to be on the same level as the former. I'm not sure that's clear, let me use an example: it's all well and good for your parents to think you are beautiful/smart/have a good personality, but it is nothing like there being an attractive, unattached straight boy thinking those things about you. and then, as a result, wanting to get to know you as a person, who is an unattached straight girl.
I also like the fact that, as a biologist, I can think and feel these things and then shrug my shoulders and say, "well, I'm an animal, and that's just an evolutionary mechanism that functions to perpetuate the species. It's just my endocrine system, and not really what I want at all."
I realized that I would never be sleeping in that loft again, and i realized that this was going to be another one of those "steps". It just started feeling real. It hadn't before.
This morning I woke up and realized that I wanted to be loved by one of Murakami's male characters. Honest, careful, imperfect. I wanted to have a body to lay against, warmth to feel, a shoulder to press my forehead against. I want to be found attractive in the "to draw to or towards" sense of the word by someone who doesn't necessarily know me as a person. It's all well and good to be loved and thought attractive by people who know you as a heart and mind, but the effect is somewhat lost when they are not a gender/orientation that wants to date your gender/orientation, or when they are are so lovingly relationship-ified as to be on the same level as the former. I'm not sure that's clear, let me use an example: it's all well and good for your parents to think you are beautiful/smart/have a good personality, but it is nothing like there being an attractive, unattached straight boy thinking those things about you. and then, as a result, wanting to get to know you as a person, who is an unattached straight girl.
I also like the fact that, as a biologist, I can think and feel these things and then shrug my shoulders and say, "well, I'm an animal, and that's just an evolutionary mechanism that functions to perpetuate the species. It's just my endocrine system, and not really what I want at all."