realizations...
I realized today that I am and get angry a heck of a lot more than I thought...
On Monday in lab we had turns "counseling" another person's real problem...
my problem was this...
I have been having the hardest time reading the Bible and praying lately... in fact, when I do, I pretty much feel hypocritical... and I really don't want to feel hypocritcal about it anymore...
so... yeah... that has been a problem...
here is the reason why this started...
growing up Mom would often make us read the Bible, whether we wanted to or not...
we would have Bible time every night because mom said we had to even when absolutely no one else wanted to have it, including Dad...
when Mom read the Bible and prayed her attitude was in direct contrast to how she was other times... as if when we read the Bible and pray we are "more holy" than any other time...
so... this and other instances in our church basically caused me to be turned off to the Bible...
and as if prayer was an affectation, not something you mean, or an outpouring of your heart...
so... because of this I have been turned off by it...
but I want to read the Bible...
but I am afraid that I will become hypocritical-like as I saw Mom was...
so this combined with other things has caused me to feel very angry...
and I realized I was really angry at Mom...
once I said out loud that I was angry at her, I felt like somehow it became more true... as if I could ignore or overlook it before...
so... today... a couple litle things happened at work... and I got more angry than the situation called for...
not that I showed it...
I might have shown a slight displeasure... but not that I was as angry as I was...
so... now I am sitting her wondering...
now that I have admitted to myself that I am angry at some people... am I going to grow more angry in general??
or is it justbecause I haven't dealt with being angry at my mom yet, and so it is near the surface and a slight provocation pushes me over...
I don't know...
but I don't want to be an angry person...
see... there is also that I want to read the BIble... part of me anyway...
another part of me says, don't bother... why... you've lasted this long, etc...
but I know that I am stunting myself... in most every way if I just allowed myself to continue into a mellowed sense of CHristianity...
*sigh* and therein could lie another whole post right there... because I am getting tired of "Christians" and "Christianity" giving Christ such a bad name...
and that stems back to my mom too...
as was mentioned in lab... everything is connected... one problem in your life will not be isolated... it all branches from one to the other to create this complex tapestry psychologists call the "id"... some CHristians call it the "wounded heart", or soul...
anyway... those are my thoughts...
I don't know that I like them much...
Edit:
Your Power Color Is Gold
At Your Highest:
You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you.
At Your Lowest:
You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life.
In Love:
You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude.
How You're Attractive:
You passion for life makes others passionate about you.
Your Eternal Question:
"Am I Having Fun?"
What's Your Power Color?
Your Power Color Is Lime Green
At Your Highest:
You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.
At Your Lowest:
You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.
In Love:
You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.
How You're Attractive:
Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.
Your Eternal Question:
"What else do I need in my life?"
What's Your Power Color?
I am not sure which of these is more accurate... maybe the second one... :) sorry, Mary... I didn't see it until now...
You Are Likely a First Born
At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.
In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.
The Birth Order Predictor
On Monday in lab we had turns "counseling" another person's real problem...
my problem was this...
I have been having the hardest time reading the Bible and praying lately... in fact, when I do, I pretty much feel hypocritical... and I really don't want to feel hypocritcal about it anymore...
so... yeah... that has been a problem...
here is the reason why this started...
growing up Mom would often make us read the Bible, whether we wanted to or not...
we would have Bible time every night because mom said we had to even when absolutely no one else wanted to have it, including Dad...
when Mom read the Bible and prayed her attitude was in direct contrast to how she was other times... as if when we read the Bible and pray we are "more holy" than any other time...
so... this and other instances in our church basically caused me to be turned off to the Bible...
and as if prayer was an affectation, not something you mean, or an outpouring of your heart...
so... because of this I have been turned off by it...
but I want to read the Bible...
but I am afraid that I will become hypocritical-like as I saw Mom was...
so this combined with other things has caused me to feel very angry...
and I realized I was really angry at Mom...
once I said out loud that I was angry at her, I felt like somehow it became more true... as if I could ignore or overlook it before...
so... today... a couple litle things happened at work... and I got more angry than the situation called for...
not that I showed it...
I might have shown a slight displeasure... but not that I was as angry as I was...
so... now I am sitting her wondering...
now that I have admitted to myself that I am angry at some people... am I going to grow more angry in general??
or is it justbecause I haven't dealt with being angry at my mom yet, and so it is near the surface and a slight provocation pushes me over...
I don't know...
but I don't want to be an angry person...
see... there is also that I want to read the BIble... part of me anyway...
another part of me says, don't bother... why... you've lasted this long, etc...
but I know that I am stunting myself... in most every way if I just allowed myself to continue into a mellowed sense of CHristianity...
*sigh* and therein could lie another whole post right there... because I am getting tired of "Christians" and "Christianity" giving Christ such a bad name...
and that stems back to my mom too...
as was mentioned in lab... everything is connected... one problem in your life will not be isolated... it all branches from one to the other to create this complex tapestry psychologists call the "id"... some CHristians call it the "wounded heart", or soul...
anyway... those are my thoughts...
I don't know that I like them much...
Edit:
Your Power Color Is Gold
At Your Highest:
You are engrossed in passions that mentally stimulate you.
At Your Lowest:
You seek thrills and neglect what's important in your life.
In Love:
You see dating as adventure and approach it with an open attitude.
How You're Attractive:
You passion for life makes others passionate about you.
Your Eternal Question:
"Am I Having Fun?"
What's Your Power Color?
Your Power Color Is Lime Green
At Your Highest:
You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.
At Your Lowest:
You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.
In Love:
You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.
How You're Attractive:
Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.
Your Eternal Question:
"What else do I need in my life?"
What's Your Power Color?
I am not sure which of these is more accurate... maybe the second one... :) sorry, Mary... I didn't see it until now...
You Are Likely a First Born
At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.
In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.
The Birth Order Predictor