An anti-valentine
So once upon a time, I decided to write a kid fic, even tho I generally despise kidfic. But I wrote my kind of kidfic and I kind of enjoyed it. I decided I wanted to see what House, Wilson, Cuddy and the kids were up to. Thus, "Full House" was bunnied. Like the first, "And Baby makes Four" (ducks-in-a-row.livejournal.com/49415.html#cutid1) this is a series of snapshots covering several years. And I love the title because it works on several levels yet is still spectacularly craptastic :-)
Oh yeah, and screw lj for making everything more difficult than it needs to be.
Full House part 1
House wrinkled his nose. Then he stretched his toes under the sheets. Finally he rolled his head to the side on the pillow, slowly willing his eyelids open. He preferred to wake up in small increments; consciousness was too traumatic to face all at once. When he finally opened his eyes, he decided he might have to reconsider the notion of waking ever being non-traumatic. A pair of pale blue eyes regarded him somberly from just inches away and the unexpected sight startled a grunt from him.
“Mommy’s crying,” Nathan said bluntly.
House frowned. “What?”
“What?” Wilson popped up from the other side of the bed like a jimmy in the box, echoing House’s confusion.
House rubbed at his eyes, hating the feeling of being rushed to complete the waking process. “What do you mean, Mommy’s crying?”
“I want breakfast and she’s still in bed and she’s crying.” Nathan was still wearing his pajamas and his unruly curls were smashed flat on one side of his head, creases pressed in his cheek from his pillow. House ran a hand through his own unruly but much thinner hair as Wilson climbed out of bed.
“She’s fine,” House told Wilson.
“Of course she is,” Wilson said but he continued to hop toward the door as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants over his boxers. House sighed and looked back at Nathan.
“She’s fine,” he repeated, certain he’d have better luck convincing a three and a half-year-old.
“Then why’s she crying?”
“The baby makes her back hurt and when her back hurts she can’t sleep,” House explained as he pushed himself upright and planted his feet on the floor. Nathan scooted to the side to make room for House’s legs but kept his eyes firmly fixed on his father. “And when she gets tired, she cries. Just like you cry when you get tired.”
“Do not,” Nathan insisted, a stubborn set to his jaw.
“Do so,” House taunted. Nathan’s lip protruded even further in a pout. House rolled his eyes and he placed a hand on Nathan’s shoulder, nudging him toward the door. “Mommy set out your clothes for pre-school?”
“Yes,” Nathan said, and House could still hear the pout in his voice.
“Then get dressed and meet me in the kitchen. I’ll be in to get your breakfast.”
~~**~~
“Induce me,” Cuddy demanded the moment House walked into her bedroom. He looked to Wilson, who threw up his hands in a helpless gesture. Obviously he’d already been through this discussion and hadn’t managed to convince her to forget the idea.
“You don’t want to be induced,” House said, reminding her of her own decision. “It’s ‘unnatural’.”
“Don’t care anymore.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Don’t,” Cuddy shot back, her jaw set stubbornly. House stared at her and Wilson merely crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the dresser, waiting--apparently--for a miracle.
“Can’t be induced unless your cervix is favorable,” House pointed out. “Have you checked your cervix lately?”
“Yes,” Cuddy snapped, staring at him in disbelief. “While I was doing a few tantric yoga positions this morning, I stuck my head between my legs and looked up my own vagina.”
“Wow,” House breathed, glancing at Wilson
“Hey, you know better than to argue with her when she’s in mood. And nine months pregnant.”
“She is in the room,” Cuddy said. “And not in a mood.”
“Well…there is one natural way to induce you…,” House said suggestively.
“Touch me and die,” Cuddy said immediately.
“You’re not going to have sex with her,” Wilson said, sounding scandalized by the notion. Apparently that wasn’t the miracle he’d been waiting for.
“Why not? Just ‘cause you put the baby in there, doesn’t mean I can’t help get it out.”
“That’s an old wives’ tale,” Wilson insisted.
“Who better to know about babies than old wives?” House asked.
“Doctors, maybe?” Wilson suggested sarcastically.
“There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence that sex leads to labor within twenty-four hours.”
“Anecdotal evidence.” Wilson threw up his hands in mock surrender. “Well, then, by all means, have at it.”
“No one’s having sex with me,” Cuddy hissed. House and Wilson both froze for a moment, staring at the pale, bloated, and really pissed off woman sitting cross-legged in the middle of the king-sized bed.
“I’m…going to get ready for work.” Wilson made a quick exit, calling for Nathan as he left.
Left alone to battle the dragon in its den, House gave Cuddy another assessing look, then shuffled over to the bed. “Don’t kill me,” he pretended to beg as he settled on the bed behind her. He pressed his hands to her lower back and began kneading firmly.
“I’m not having sex with you,” she insisted even though she practically melted into the pressure of his hands.
“Your lips say no-no but your undilated cervix says yes-yes.” House continued rubbing. “Tell me again why you wanted another kid?”
“Because I want another one,” she said irritably. “And because I wasn’t this miserable with Nathan.”
“You were. You’ve just forgotten it.” House slowly worked his hands higher on her back, then just as slowly began to slip one hand around her side.
Cuddy slapped his hand away before it could reach her breast. “Do I look like I want to have sex? Do I look like I’m even capable of having sex?”
“What happened to the never-say-no Cuddy? Oh, wait, you always say no.” House let out an exaggerated sigh. “And all this time you only wanted me for my sperm.”
“That and your parking space.” Cuddy tried to reach around and slap him again. He grabbed her hand and placed it on her belly, wrapping his own arms around her. He waited a few moments until finally she gave in, sagging into his grasp.
“My back is killing me,” she whispered.
“I know,” he said. “Trust me.”
~~**~~
“She’s a beauty,” Chase said as he leaned over Wilson’s shoulder to look at the baby. “Looks just like her mother.”
“Thank god,” House exclaimed dramatically as Wilson shot him a disgusted look. Chase and Foreman simply glanced at each other and shook their heads with familiar exasperation. “What? Can you imagine a baby with his eyebrows?”
“She actually is Wilson’s?” Chase asked.
“I told you she was,” Wilson said, clearly annoyed at not having been believed.
“Yeah, but I thought you and House were just working a scam to clean up in the baby pool.”
“We would’ve, too, but Cuddy wouldn’t let us play,” House complained.
Chase grinned, then looked down by the side of Cuddy’s bed. “Hey, Nathan, what do you think of your new little sister?”
“She’s noisy,” Nathan said carelessly, clearly uninterested in the all the fuss over the new baby. He ran a car back and forth along the floor by the hospital bed despite the fact that House kept throwing up roadblocks with his cane.
“Also like her mother,” House said from his perch on the side of Cuddy’s bed. She smacked him on the shoulder. “What? I didn’t say you’re noisy in bed.”
“And I’m sure we’re all grateful for your discretion,” Foreman said dryly.
“Nathan, take your Daddy for a walk until the grown-ups finish talking,” Cuddy said.
“I induce you against my better judgment and this is the thanks I get?” House whined while Nathan tugged at his cane.
“You were induced?” Foreman asked Cuddy.
“Don’t ask,” Cuddy and Wilson said in unison. House smirked and fondled the head of his cane suggestively. Chase and Foreman exchanged confused looks, then decided it really would be better to not ask.
“Buy him a frozen yogurt,” she told Nathan as House finally gave into the insistent tugging. “That’ll keep him quiet.”
Chase watched Nathan lead House out of the office, then glanced back at Cuddy. “Isn’t it a bit like having three children?”
“It’s like having four,” Cuddy said with a pointed look at Wilson. He gaped at her, shrugging his shoulders as if to ask “what did I do?” Cuddy merely snorted in response. “Fortunately, being Dean of Medicine prepared me well for the challenge.” She suddenly frowned as she gazed at the three men in her room. “Speaking of which, why do I have three department heads in my room? And one more on his way to have ice cream? Who’s running this place?”
“I believe Cameron is,” Chase said.
“Go,” Cuddy ordered, reaching for her daughter. Chase shrugged good-naturedly and he and Foreman headed for the door. Wilson glanced after them, then he looked back at Cuddy as he handed the baby to her, his mouth pursed in uncertainty. He actually took a hesitant step toward the door before Cuddy rolled her eyes. “No, you idiot. You can stay.”
~~**~~
“You do realize that kind of grunting is only attractive during sex,” House said loudly. He lay on the bed, flat on his back, and stared at the ceiling. “Maybe not even then.”
“If I don’t do this kind of grunting outside of sex….” Cuddy huffed breathlessly as she forced herself to do five more crunches, each one drawing another grunt from her. She had a small mat spread on the bedroom floor and wore an old t-shirt and a pair of shorts while she did her nightly exercises. “You won’t want to have sex with me.”
House glanced over to the other side of the bed where Wilson was leaning back against the headboard, his eyes half closed. Wilson merely shrugged when he noticed House’s gaze. He preferred to leave the arguing with Cuddy to House. House, after all, had far more practice.
“Wilson’s fat and I still want to have sex with him,” House observed. Wilson made a disgusted noise.
Cuddy stopped mid-crunch to glare at House. “Wilson’s not fat.”
“He’s…not as skinny as he used to be. Especially not after the second pregnancy,” House argued. Wilson was prone to suffering sympathetic pregnancy symptoms--most obviously weight gain--which had provided House with endless opportunities to mock him.
“None of us are,” Cuddy grunted.
“Exactly,” Wilson agreed rather vehemently, giving House a ‘so there’ look. Then he turned to face Cuddy. “So what’s the problem?”
“You’re not as skinny as you used to be,” Cuddy said, her face flushed with exertion as she got to her feet. “But I’m…have you seen my stomach?”
“No, actually,” House cut in. “You won’t let us.”
“Cuddy, you’ve had two kids,” Wilson said, waving at her to join them in bed. He grasped her hand as she edged closer and pulled her in, rolling her between the two men. “So what if your stomach isn’t as flat as it used to be?”
“It’s different for men. They can get old, go gray, gain a few pounds and no one notices.”
“I notice when Wilson gains a few pounds,” House said helpfully. Wilson shot him a look that said he wasn’t even in the same neighborhood as helpful, then he wrapped an arm around Cuddy and snuggled up against her back. House scooted closer, leaning in to kiss her as his hand began to inch its way under her t-shirt.
“So you have curvier curves,” he murmured, sliding his hand over her breast. “Men like curves.”
Cuddy pushed at him. “You’re just saying that because you want some action. And don’t do that. You know what happens when….” Cuddy’s voice came to an abrupt halt and House looked down at two damp spots darkening the shirt directly over her nipples. “You know what happens when you do that.”
“You should get shut-off valves for those things.” House leaned down and sucked at her nipple through the shirt, ducking away when she gave him a light thump on the side of the head. “What? It’s only milk.”
“It’s…not your milk.”
“Kid needs to learn to share.” House rolled his eyes when, as if on cue, a thin wail erupted from the baby monitor. Cuddy let out a resigned groan at the sound and the wet spots on her shirt immediately began to enlarge in response to the hungry cries. Wilson hid a grin against the side of her neck but she felt it. She gave him a light slap on his hip before she pushed herself up and scooted down the bed. Moments later, they could hear Cuddy’s voice through the monitor as she gathered the baby from her crib.
“Looks like it’s just you and me tonight, Big Guy,” House said hopefully.
Wilson gave him a cold look. “Aren’t you afraid all my excess poundage might be dangerous?”
House nodded thoughtfully. “Good point. You’d better bottom.”
~~**~~
House settled into his favorite easy chair with a contented sigh, propped his feet up on the ottoman, and pulled his reading glasses from his shirt pocket. He had good book and an entire evening of peace and quiet for himself. Or so he thought.
“Daddy.” Nathan climbed onto his startled father’s lap and slapped a book against his chest. “Read a book.
“Nate, Daddy’s going to….” Before House could expound on what daddy was going to do, Cuddy rushed in and plopped Rachel in his lap next to Nathan.
“She’s been fed and changed,” Cuddy said, leaning over to place a kiss on top of the nine-month-old’s head. Rachel ignored her in favor of reaching up to pull House’s glasses from his nose. “She just needs her lullaby and you can put her down for the night.”
“Whoa.” House stared at Cuddy in disbelief over a lapful of kids. “First, I only have two hands.”
“So?”
“That’s about two hands less than I need for two kids.”
“Welcome to my world,” Cuddy retorted as she crossed to the other side of the chair and leaned down to give Nathan a kiss before he could squirm away from her.
“Declining the invitation was not the equivalent of offering to babysit,” House complained. There were people who could be hired to take care of this sort of thing. And he was not one of those people.
“Actually, it was,” Cuddy said. She smoothed a red silk dress over her hips, then reached up to check for her earrings. “You could’ve come to the fundraiser with me and Wilson but, shockingly, you decided not to. In this house, that means you’re the designated babysitter.”
“That is so not fair.” He tried to reclaim his glasses before Rachel could turn them into a modern art sculpture. The little girl looked up at him with her daddy’s dark eyes and smiled, her chubby fist fixed tightly around one lens.
“Since when did fairness enter into any of this?” Wilson asked as he strolled into the living room.
House gave him and his tux a long hard look, then switched his gaze to Cuddy and her abundant cleavage. “You two better not be sneaking off after the party to schtup.”
“Hey! Cuddy glared at House and made a cutting motion at her neck. He ignored the warning about his language use.
“It’s a fundraiser,” Wilson said. “Rubber chicken, dull speeches, and lots of people in uncomfortable shoes.”
“So your point is you’ll be sneaking off during the party instead of after?”
Wilson paused, his right hand fumbling with his left cufflink. He tilted his head thoughtfully as he considered House’s suggestion. “That’s not a bad idea….”
“We won’t be sneaking anywhere,” Cuddy said shortly as she grasped Wilson’s wrist and fastened his cufflink. “We’ll be home right after it’s over and both kids had better be tucked in bed, sound asleep.”
She marched out of the room, calling for Wilson to join her. House rolled his eyes. “Someone’s been dipping into the testosterone again. Sure you don’t want to stay home with us?”
“Let’s see--an evening with a beautiful, dominant woman or an evening with you dumping all the dirty work on me…?” Wilson pretended to ponder that choice for a moment, then smiled smugly before turning toward the door.
“Traitor,” House called after him. Seconds later he heard the front door close and the sound of the lock turning. He let out a disgruntled sigh as he looked down at the two children occupying his lap space. Then he nudged Nathan. “Turn on the Xbox.”
“Mommy doesn’t let me play video games after supper.”
“Mommy isn’t here.”
“Are we gonna get in trouble?” Nathan asked as he slid off House’s lap and ran over to the console.
“God, I hope so,” House said, tucking Rachel more comfortably in the crook of his arm. He figured a little Guitar Hero would work as well as a lullaby to put the little girl to sleep. Even if it didn’t, well, she was old enough to start learning some of the rock classics.
“You want to get in trouble?”
“If Daddy gets in trouble for babysitting, then maybe Mommy won’t ask Daddy to babysit anymore.” House watched as Nathan’s finger hovered over the power button on the game console. The little boy was obviously struggling with a monumental decision: play video games or keep Daddy as babysitter. House decided to sweeten the pot…literally.
“Mommy doesn’t let you have ice cream before bed either, does she?”
~~**~~
“Sorry I’m late.” Wilson hurried into the kindergarten room, trying to neaten his windblown hair with his fingers.
Cuddy looked up from the papers she was studying and motioned to the chair next to her. “Don’t worry. We haven’t really started yet. Ms. Gomez had to go to the office to take a phone call.”
Wilson cautiously squatted onto one of the tiny chairs, which put his knees just under his chin, and reached for the papers Cuddy was holding. “Report card?” he said, giving her a skeptical look. “It’s kindergarten: they’re taught to color inside the lines and not eat paste. Do they really need report cards?”
“Your tax dollars at work,” Cuddy said dryly. She pointed to the bottom of the page. Wilson followed her finger to the teacher comments section.
“Nathan is a happy, well-adjusted child,” Wilson read slowly. He turned to Cuddy with an expression of shock, one that matched hers. Neither of them had ever heard the words ‘House’ and ‘well-adjusted’ used in the same sentence.
“And this,” Cuddy prompted, moving her finger down a couple of lines to where the teacher went on to observe that Nathan easily became bored by some of the classroom activities and that boredom occasionally led to certain less than desirable behaviors.
“Now that sounds like House,” Wilson said dryly. Cuddy shot him a warning look even though she knew full well it sounded exactly like House.
“What are we going to do?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Wilson said, not nearly as worried as she was. Boys would be boys, and this boy happened to be the son of a borderline sociopath. Certain behaviors were to be expected. He handed the report card back to Cuddy. “The rest looks fine. I really doubt he’s taking the first steps toward a life of crime.”
“Definitely not.”
Wilson and Cuddy glanced up as Ms. Gomez entered the room. She was a young, attractive woman with long, dark hair and long, slender legs, and Wilson was certain all the boys in the class had a huge crush on her. “If you’re worried about the boredom issue--don’t. Nathan just needs a little reminder from time to time about classroom behavior. The important thing is that when I do remind him, he listens to me.”
“I bet he does,” Wilson muttered to himself. Cuddy looked like she was seconds away from hitting him for being an irrespressible flirt but Ms. Gomez stepped forward and offered her hand.
“I apologize for the interruption, but I’m glad you could join us, Mr. House.”
“Oh, no, I’m not Dr. House,” Wilson said, unfolding his legs so he could stand to shake her hand…even though the view of her legs was better from the tiny chair. “I’m Dr. Wilson.”
“Dr. Wilson is my daughter’s father,” Cuddy said in response to Ms. Gomez’s confused expression.
“So…Dr. Wilson is Nathan’s stepfather?” Ms. Gomez asked.
“Not exactly,” Cuddy said.
“I’m Nathan’s second father. But he just calls me Uncle Jimmy.”
“Dr. Wilson, Dr. House, and I all live together. Nathan is my son with Dr. House and Dr. Wilson and I have a daughter, Rachel,” Cuddy explained. She gave a slight shrug of her shoulders. She’d given this explanation often enough now to sound matter of fact while delivering it. She’d also been through it often enough to know that most people didn’t quite get it. Ms. Gomez’s frozen smile seemed to suggest she was one of the non-getters. “Look at it this way--both kids have a mother and a father in the home. We’re a nuclear family.”
“The nucleus is just a little larger than normal,” Wilson added helpfully. He gave the teacher a winsome smile, and that time, Cuddy did hit him.
part 2: ducks-in-a-row.livejournal.com/57580.html#cutid1