Obviously I have nothing better to do
I'm getting my new computer this afternoon, which I so need. However, my old computer has suddenly stopped recognizing my CD drive which means I'm going to be very limited on what I can transfer from the old to the new. I should look at this as an opportunity to clear away the deadwood, right. Yeah, that's likely ;-P
Anyhoo, just a little ficlet, because I can't believe none of the other pervy minds in the House fandom picked up on this. I mean--House was looking at pictures of naked women with naked porpoises. Am I the only one who went there? Apparently so. It's short and it's gen and it's not nearly as porny as the subject matter suggests. But you're welcome to read between the lines. Heaven knows I do.
The Porpoise of Love
As he strolled into House's office, Wilson couldn't help noticing that despite the fact he had a couple dozen fellowship candidates wandering the hospital, House was alone. And too intent on his computer to acknowledge Wilson with anything more than a grunt. Wilson got close enough to lean in over his shoulder and sighed at the picture on the screen. "You know, if your probationers were this easily scared off, they'd already be long gone."
"What makes you think I'm doing this for their benefit?" House asked, still staring at the screen. "Maybe this is for me."
"So...you're into porpoise porn now?"
"Maybe, and thank you," House said. "I was beginning to think no one around here knew the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise."
"I don't. I was just going for the alliteration." Wilson settled himself in the chair across the desk from House. He really didn't need to see any more evidence of House's evolution into nature lover. "Has lesbian love lost its appeal?"
"Bite your tongue." House gave him a scandalized look. "I'm just broadening my porntastic horizons."
"Of course you are," Wilson sighed. "Better not let Cuddy catch you. That's not the horizon she wants you to explore."
"That reminds me--Cuddy's birthday is coming up."
"No, it's not." Wilson sat upright, instantly wary.
"Hanukkah, then." House gave him an innocent look. "She's an animal lover, right?"
"Not that kind of lover." Wilson leaned forward. "House, seriously, don't."
"Too late." House closed down the window and turned to Wilson with a smug grin.
~~**~~
"Want to come over and watch the Red Sox game tonight?" House made himself comfortable, leaning his ass against the front edge of Wilson's desk.
"Um...sure, why n...." Wilson's reply was cut off abruptly by Cuddy bursting through his office door. She carried a plain cardboard box and had eyes only for House. Angry eyes, so Wilson was not in the least offended at being ignored.
"What's this?" Cuddy asked, shoving the box at House. Affecting ignorance, he dug through the bubble wrap and pulled out a curved, gray, cylindrical object approximately twelve inches long.
"Is that a...?" Wilson asked, staring.
"The Porpoise of Love," House said, proudly showing off the dolphin-shaped dildo.
Cuddy smacked him on the shoulder. "What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking it has three speeds." House dropped the box on Wilson's desk and set the porpoise to buzzing. "Slow, medium, and Partypants."
Cuddy smacked him on the arm. "Don't ever do that again."
Both House and Wilson watched her ass in all its angry magnificence as she marched out of the room. Then Wilson shook his head. "What were you thinking?"
"She needs to get laid," House said, pointing the vibrator after her.
"By the...." Wilson simply made a vague gesture, unable to bring himself to say the words, "Porpoise of Love."
"Willy is the perfect companion. Ready at a moment's notice, infinite staying power, and he doesn't leave the toilet seat up."
"Willy?" Wilson asked weakly. "Seriously?"
"It's perfect--both a name and a description." House turned and held the dildo out to Wilson. "Well, if Cuddy doesn't want it...."
"I don't want it," Wilson said, pushing his chair back out of arm's reach.
"Hey, if you'd introduced one of your wives to Willy, you might still be married."
"I see." Wilson stroked his chin thoughtfully. "So if I were to take Willy with me the next time I ask Cuddy to a play...."
House snatched the dildo back and shoved it in the box. "Forget it. You'd just abuse my poor Willy."
"I thought that's what Willy was for," Wilson said, but House had already packed up his toy and left.
~~**~~
Wilson had barely taken one step out of the exam room when he heard the unmistakable bellow of their duly appointed ruler. Cuddy might be petite but she possessed the lung capacity of a much larger woman.
"House, get out here now." Cuddy banged again on the door to exam room two.
"With a patient," House called through the door. Cuddy looked over her shoulder at Brenda, who was utterly loyal to Cuddy as well as having no love for House. Brenda immediately shook her head.
"No, you aren't," Cuddy told the door. "Out. Now."
House poked his head out the door, looking around warily. "Just wanted to make sure there were witnesses."
"Witness this," Cuddy said through clenched teeth. Wilson frowned in confusion, then realized she was holding a familiar gray, cylindrical shape between her breasts. Taped to its side was a note: Property of L. Cuddy. If found, please return. And while Wilson stared at the dildo with a sort of anticipatory horror, its location gave House the minimal excuse he needed for an opportunistic leer.
"Oh, there it is," House said innocently once he'd raised his eyes to her face. "I was wondering what had happened to him."
"This time, you've gone too far." Cuddy stormed off trying to hide the porpoise in the folds of a shirt that simply didn't have enough fabric to spare for the task.
"Where was it?" Wilson asked Brenda in a low voice as they loitered safely on the other side of the hall.
"Drug lock-up." She nodded when Wilson winced. "I've never seen anyone get so mad so fast. It was kind of impressive."
"If by impressive you mean hot--I agree," House said, a satisfied grin on his face.
"Stay away from me," Wilson said, shaking his finger at House. "Cuddy's going to be gunning for you and I don't want to get caught in the cross-fire."
"Wimp," House said as he strolled out of the clinic.
~~**~~
"Come, James, Cuddy has a lunch date." House stood up from his desk and handed a stack of x-rays to Bosley. Then he grabbed his cane and made a beeline for the door. "Which means we don't have much time."
"Time for what?" Wilson asked. His expression was wary even though he had already turned to follow House.
"Time to free my Willy."
Wilson stopped dead, just before the door could smack him in the face as House opened it.
"I take it Dr. Cuddy owns your willy?" Henry observed dryly. Wilson coughed and House turned to glare at his assistant.
"Cuddy doesn't own it," House said, enunciating aggressively. "She merely has temporary possession."
"Possession is nine-tenths of the law," Henry pointed out.
House extended his arm at full length, pointing his cane at Henry. "Don't get cute."
Henry smirked. "Can't help it. I was born cute."
"I can arrange for you to die ugly," House said. "I know people."
"So do I," Henry said, unperturbed. "Which is why I know exactly where your Willy is being held captive."
House studied him for minute, then nodded. "Fine. Where is he?"
"File cabinet on the left hand wall. Second cabinet, bottom drawer," Henry said. "The key's under Dr. Cuddy's desk lamp."
"How does he know this stuff?" Wilson asked as they stepped into the corridor.
"He's Bosley," House said. "Bosley always knows."
~~**~~
"Turns out you can be that stupid and live," House said. He turned abruptly to his left and it took Wilson a couple of steps to correct course.
"Why are we in the surgeon's locker room?" Wilson asked as they walked past the first row of lockers.
"Business," House said. He turned into the next row. Chase was standing in front of an open locker, just pulling on a fresh scrub shirt. Cameron was seated a couple feet behind him, straddling the bench.
"House?" Chase said, a puzzled expression on his face.
"You got some explaining to do," House said, pulling Willy from his pocket. Wilson turned away, rolling his eyes.
"Looks like you've got some explaining to do," Cameron said.
House dismissed her with a sideways scowl and kept his focus on Chase. "Someone has been taking Willy for little day trips. Now there are only a very few people brave enough to do that, and I've eliminated them as suspects. However there are a number of people who are dumb enough to do it."
Chase shook his head and slammed shut his locker. "I've got better things to do with my time, House. Like work."
"Come on--shark bites?" House said, shaking the dildo at Chase. "This caper has your teeth marks all over it."
"Why would I want to bite your Willy?" Chase asked. Cameron grinned smugly from behind him.
House turned to Wilson, his expression demanding an explanation.
"I wouldn't touch your Willy with a surgical gloves and a robotic arm," Wilson said. House pouted and Wilson put his hands up. "Forget it. I'm not playing."
House turned back to Cameron. "It had to be you, then."
"Sorry, but the days when I was willing to play with your Willy are long gone," Cameron said, grinning even more smugly as she got to her feet. House frowned, then looked at Wilson again.
"No," Wilson insisted. "I will steal your files, your pills, even your guitar, but I draw the line at animal shaped dildos."
House chewed at his lip for a moment, then he got a sly look on his face. "Nurse Brenda," he said in an accusing tone. He spun on his heel and marched out of the locker room.
Wilson watched him go, then turned back to give Chase a very pointed look.
"Honestly," Chase said, holding his hands up. "I admit it's a lot of fun watching House obsess over who's been stealing Willy, and if I needed a way to distract him I wouldn't hesitate. But it's not me."
"Nope," Cameron said when Wilson looked at her. "It's more fun teaching his new fellows how to annoy him. And I really doubt Foreman's involved. He'd consider it beneath him."
"Well, someone's coordinating this," Wilson said. "Someone who knows how to tap into House's insane curiosity without tipping him over into a psychotic break. Only someone who knows him pretty well could do that. If it's not me and it's not you three...."
"Could House be doing it himself?" Chase asked.
Wilson almost dismissed the idea out of hand, then he reconsidered. "Anything's possible."
~~**~~
House barged into Wilson's office and tossed Willy on his desk. "This means war."
Wilson drew back from the object in question, and tilted his head as he studied it. "I'm guessing you find the bikini offensive? It's either that or the smear of what I'm desperately hoping is suntan oil."
"He's a guy," House said, offended. "Guys don't wear bikinis. Certainly not pink ones."
"How do you know he's a he?" Wilson couldn't believe he was even asking that question. About a dildo.
"Duh." He grabbed Willy and held him up. "Phallic much?"
"I know, but maybe he's bi," Wilson said. "A sort of multi-purpose porpoise."
"That still wouldn't explain the cross-dressing." House stopped abruptly, then threw his hands up as the solution came to him. "It's gotta be that mortician."
"Which one? The biker guy, the gay biker guy, or the woman?"
"The cross-dresser."
"There is no...." Wilson gave up. House was already out the door.
~~**~~
"Willy seems to be very popular," Wilson observed as he followed Cuddy across the foyer. "He's really been getting around the last couple of weeks. The morgue, radiology...."
"I don't pay you people to play." Cuddy tried to ignore him, walking briskly toward the nurse's station.
"For example, Willy came back from one outing with dark glasses and a cane. House suspects the urologists."
"I especially don't pay you people to play with sex toys," Cuddy said, giving Wilson a stern look over her shoulder.
"It's possible that all Willy's adventures are the result of a completely unplanned, uncoordinated effort by multiple departments. The give away, though, was the pink bikini," Wilson said thoughtfully. "House blames the cross-dressing mortician."
"He is not a cross-dresser. He is a she." Cuddy hesitated. "A very masculine she, but a she nonetheless."
"You're having fun, aren't you?" Wilson stopped before they reached the station, taking a moment to appreciate Cuddy's ass.
Cuddy turned back to look at him and for a moment she just stared. Then just the faintest hint of a smile showed at the corner of her mouth just before she turned and walked away. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Anyhoo, just a little ficlet, because I can't believe none of the other pervy minds in the House fandom picked up on this. I mean--House was looking at pictures of naked women with naked porpoises. Am I the only one who went there? Apparently so. It's short and it's gen and it's not nearly as porny as the subject matter suggests. But you're welcome to read between the lines. Heaven knows I do.
The Porpoise of Love
As he strolled into House's office, Wilson couldn't help noticing that despite the fact he had a couple dozen fellowship candidates wandering the hospital, House was alone. And too intent on his computer to acknowledge Wilson with anything more than a grunt. Wilson got close enough to lean in over his shoulder and sighed at the picture on the screen. "You know, if your probationers were this easily scared off, they'd already be long gone."
"What makes you think I'm doing this for their benefit?" House asked, still staring at the screen. "Maybe this is for me."
"So...you're into porpoise porn now?"
"Maybe, and thank you," House said. "I was beginning to think no one around here knew the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise."
"I don't. I was just going for the alliteration." Wilson settled himself in the chair across the desk from House. He really didn't need to see any more evidence of House's evolution into nature lover. "Has lesbian love lost its appeal?"
"Bite your tongue." House gave him a scandalized look. "I'm just broadening my porntastic horizons."
"Of course you are," Wilson sighed. "Better not let Cuddy catch you. That's not the horizon she wants you to explore."
"That reminds me--Cuddy's birthday is coming up."
"No, it's not." Wilson sat upright, instantly wary.
"Hanukkah, then." House gave him an innocent look. "She's an animal lover, right?"
"Not that kind of lover." Wilson leaned forward. "House, seriously, don't."
"Too late." House closed down the window and turned to Wilson with a smug grin.
~~**~~
"Want to come over and watch the Red Sox game tonight?" House made himself comfortable, leaning his ass against the front edge of Wilson's desk.
"Um...sure, why n...." Wilson's reply was cut off abruptly by Cuddy bursting through his office door. She carried a plain cardboard box and had eyes only for House. Angry eyes, so Wilson was not in the least offended at being ignored.
"What's this?" Cuddy asked, shoving the box at House. Affecting ignorance, he dug through the bubble wrap and pulled out a curved, gray, cylindrical object approximately twelve inches long.
"Is that a...?" Wilson asked, staring.
"The Porpoise of Love," House said, proudly showing off the dolphin-shaped dildo.
Cuddy smacked him on the shoulder. "What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking it has three speeds." House dropped the box on Wilson's desk and set the porpoise to buzzing. "Slow, medium, and Partypants."
Cuddy smacked him on the arm. "Don't ever do that again."
Both House and Wilson watched her ass in all its angry magnificence as she marched out of the room. Then Wilson shook his head. "What were you thinking?"
"She needs to get laid," House said, pointing the vibrator after her.
"By the...." Wilson simply made a vague gesture, unable to bring himself to say the words, "Porpoise of Love."
"Willy is the perfect companion. Ready at a moment's notice, infinite staying power, and he doesn't leave the toilet seat up."
"Willy?" Wilson asked weakly. "Seriously?"
"It's perfect--both a name and a description." House turned and held the dildo out to Wilson. "Well, if Cuddy doesn't want it...."
"I don't want it," Wilson said, pushing his chair back out of arm's reach.
"Hey, if you'd introduced one of your wives to Willy, you might still be married."
"I see." Wilson stroked his chin thoughtfully. "So if I were to take Willy with me the next time I ask Cuddy to a play...."
House snatched the dildo back and shoved it in the box. "Forget it. You'd just abuse my poor Willy."
"I thought that's what Willy was for," Wilson said, but House had already packed up his toy and left.
~~**~~
Wilson had barely taken one step out of the exam room when he heard the unmistakable bellow of their duly appointed ruler. Cuddy might be petite but she possessed the lung capacity of a much larger woman.
"House, get out here now." Cuddy banged again on the door to exam room two.
"With a patient," House called through the door. Cuddy looked over her shoulder at Brenda, who was utterly loyal to Cuddy as well as having no love for House. Brenda immediately shook her head.
"No, you aren't," Cuddy told the door. "Out. Now."
House poked his head out the door, looking around warily. "Just wanted to make sure there were witnesses."
"Witness this," Cuddy said through clenched teeth. Wilson frowned in confusion, then realized she was holding a familiar gray, cylindrical shape between her breasts. Taped to its side was a note: Property of L. Cuddy. If found, please return. And while Wilson stared at the dildo with a sort of anticipatory horror, its location gave House the minimal excuse he needed for an opportunistic leer.
"Oh, there it is," House said innocently once he'd raised his eyes to her face. "I was wondering what had happened to him."
"This time, you've gone too far." Cuddy stormed off trying to hide the porpoise in the folds of a shirt that simply didn't have enough fabric to spare for the task.
"Where was it?" Wilson asked Brenda in a low voice as they loitered safely on the other side of the hall.
"Drug lock-up." She nodded when Wilson winced. "I've never seen anyone get so mad so fast. It was kind of impressive."
"If by impressive you mean hot--I agree," House said, a satisfied grin on his face.
"Stay away from me," Wilson said, shaking his finger at House. "Cuddy's going to be gunning for you and I don't want to get caught in the cross-fire."
"Wimp," House said as he strolled out of the clinic.
~~**~~
"Come, James, Cuddy has a lunch date." House stood up from his desk and handed a stack of x-rays to Bosley. Then he grabbed his cane and made a beeline for the door. "Which means we don't have much time."
"Time for what?" Wilson asked. His expression was wary even though he had already turned to follow House.
"Time to free my Willy."
Wilson stopped dead, just before the door could smack him in the face as House opened it.
"I take it Dr. Cuddy owns your willy?" Henry observed dryly. Wilson coughed and House turned to glare at his assistant.
"Cuddy doesn't own it," House said, enunciating aggressively. "She merely has temporary possession."
"Possession is nine-tenths of the law," Henry pointed out.
House extended his arm at full length, pointing his cane at Henry. "Don't get cute."
Henry smirked. "Can't help it. I was born cute."
"I can arrange for you to die ugly," House said. "I know people."
"So do I," Henry said, unperturbed. "Which is why I know exactly where your Willy is being held captive."
House studied him for minute, then nodded. "Fine. Where is he?"
"File cabinet on the left hand wall. Second cabinet, bottom drawer," Henry said. "The key's under Dr. Cuddy's desk lamp."
"How does he know this stuff?" Wilson asked as they stepped into the corridor.
"He's Bosley," House said. "Bosley always knows."
~~**~~
"Turns out you can be that stupid and live," House said. He turned abruptly to his left and it took Wilson a couple of steps to correct course.
"Why are we in the surgeon's locker room?" Wilson asked as they walked past the first row of lockers.
"Business," House said. He turned into the next row. Chase was standing in front of an open locker, just pulling on a fresh scrub shirt. Cameron was seated a couple feet behind him, straddling the bench.
"House?" Chase said, a puzzled expression on his face.
"You got some explaining to do," House said, pulling Willy from his pocket. Wilson turned away, rolling his eyes.
"Looks like you've got some explaining to do," Cameron said.
House dismissed her with a sideways scowl and kept his focus on Chase. "Someone has been taking Willy for little day trips. Now there are only a very few people brave enough to do that, and I've eliminated them as suspects. However there are a number of people who are dumb enough to do it."
Chase shook his head and slammed shut his locker. "I've got better things to do with my time, House. Like work."
"Come on--shark bites?" House said, shaking the dildo at Chase. "This caper has your teeth marks all over it."
"Why would I want to bite your Willy?" Chase asked. Cameron grinned smugly from behind him.
House turned to Wilson, his expression demanding an explanation.
"I wouldn't touch your Willy with a surgical gloves and a robotic arm," Wilson said. House pouted and Wilson put his hands up. "Forget it. I'm not playing."
House turned back to Cameron. "It had to be you, then."
"Sorry, but the days when I was willing to play with your Willy are long gone," Cameron said, grinning even more smugly as she got to her feet. House frowned, then looked at Wilson again.
"No," Wilson insisted. "I will steal your files, your pills, even your guitar, but I draw the line at animal shaped dildos."
House chewed at his lip for a moment, then he got a sly look on his face. "Nurse Brenda," he said in an accusing tone. He spun on his heel and marched out of the locker room.
Wilson watched him go, then turned back to give Chase a very pointed look.
"Honestly," Chase said, holding his hands up. "I admit it's a lot of fun watching House obsess over who's been stealing Willy, and if I needed a way to distract him I wouldn't hesitate. But it's not me."
"Nope," Cameron said when Wilson looked at her. "It's more fun teaching his new fellows how to annoy him. And I really doubt Foreman's involved. He'd consider it beneath him."
"Well, someone's coordinating this," Wilson said. "Someone who knows how to tap into House's insane curiosity without tipping him over into a psychotic break. Only someone who knows him pretty well could do that. If it's not me and it's not you three...."
"Could House be doing it himself?" Chase asked.
Wilson almost dismissed the idea out of hand, then he reconsidered. "Anything's possible."
~~**~~
House barged into Wilson's office and tossed Willy on his desk. "This means war."
Wilson drew back from the object in question, and tilted his head as he studied it. "I'm guessing you find the bikini offensive? It's either that or the smear of what I'm desperately hoping is suntan oil."
"He's a guy," House said, offended. "Guys don't wear bikinis. Certainly not pink ones."
"How do you know he's a he?" Wilson couldn't believe he was even asking that question. About a dildo.
"Duh." He grabbed Willy and held him up. "Phallic much?"
"I know, but maybe he's bi," Wilson said. "A sort of multi-purpose porpoise."
"That still wouldn't explain the cross-dressing." House stopped abruptly, then threw his hands up as the solution came to him. "It's gotta be that mortician."
"Which one? The biker guy, the gay biker guy, or the woman?"
"The cross-dresser."
"There is no...." Wilson gave up. House was already out the door.
~~**~~
"Willy seems to be very popular," Wilson observed as he followed Cuddy across the foyer. "He's really been getting around the last couple of weeks. The morgue, radiology...."
"I don't pay you people to play." Cuddy tried to ignore him, walking briskly toward the nurse's station.
"For example, Willy came back from one outing with dark glasses and a cane. House suspects the urologists."
"I especially don't pay you people to play with sex toys," Cuddy said, giving Wilson a stern look over her shoulder.
"It's possible that all Willy's adventures are the result of a completely unplanned, uncoordinated effort by multiple departments. The give away, though, was the pink bikini," Wilson said thoughtfully. "House blames the cross-dressing mortician."
"He is not a cross-dresser. He is a she." Cuddy hesitated. "A very masculine she, but a she nonetheless."
"You're having fun, aren't you?" Wilson stopped before they reached the station, taking a moment to appreciate Cuddy's ass.
Cuddy turned back to look at him and for a moment she just stared. Then just the faintest hint of a smile showed at the corner of her mouth just before she turned and walked away. "I have no idea what you're talking about."