%*#&%^!*@#^@#$*&^%(*&$#^!@#^&%@#$&^
I really do not know what to write here...I'm not really in a mood to write or talk or sleep or play a game or anything...I'm just kinda blah...
Today was okay...well I lie...it sucked. It rained practically all day...and not just a little bit. Singing in the patriotic musical was okay I guess but I didnt get anything from it. I was just singing...I wasnt even putting emotion into the music. I was too consumed with getting the right notes and performing it perfectly that I didnt even know what I was really saying..How can you honestly sing the lyrics and hope and pray that they touch someones heart when you yourself have no feeling for the words....you dont even know what they mean to you?
Lunch was fun. I went with the the Milne's, DeVault's, Sara and Katie B. and Patrick...oh and my parents...lol It was cool i guess. Smilne sat next to me and the waiter was making really weird smiley faces at her ..it was absolutely hilarious..she and I were the only ones to see it and every time he walked by all we could do was laugh! I love that girl! She's really neat.
Oh and Katie..."ya missed!"
So lunch was good. My mom went to pick up my Grandpa at the Orlando airport so I was at home with my dad...and the satellite went out...so I pulled out my violin and started practicing a song that I had started to when I was taking lessons. It's really neat but hard...so anywho...later on my sister Kate and her b/f Jeff came over with their kids Ever and Elias. Ever has gotten sooo big. And when she left I said "I love you Ever." and she said "I love you too Aunt Lily" Yea and actual sentence and she's only two!!
That was the best part of the day I think...
I hate this. I really feel like I'm playing a game...eat this, sleep, wake up, do pointless stuff, talk to people, eat more, go to sleep and do it all over again. The only difference between me and a game is that I control what I do and I have emotions. And you think that that'd be better...sometimes I'm not so sure anymore. I read through some old AIM conversations...well they were actually pretty recent...but I sounded (and please excuse my "french") but I sounded like an immature controlling bitch. The more I read the crappier I felt. I wanted to apologize to the person that I was talking to in the conversations. So if you read this before I get to talk to you...I'm sorry Alex.
I just finished watching "How to lose a guy in 10 days" and it made me really think. I can't believe that I do things that she did to get rid of him. That's the last thing that I want to do. If I lost Alex...I'd die. yep...it's that dramatic...It's like I'm on a frickin stage and I'm reading the lines of my life. And I'm screwing it up!! and the worst part is.. I dont know how to change it. I dont know how to change myself...the way I react to questions and answers...especially the ones I dont like. The stupid emotions that stir inside of me...but if I let any of it out I'll be shot down with more questions and a lecure...why can't I just feel like crap and not want to talk about it? Do I have to tell my mother everything?! That's what it feels like. If I'm not smiling something must be wrong with me and Alex. I really dont think that there's a problem...God, I hope not... but when she says that my mind turns and makes up stupid scenarios...grrr...I want to grow up! I want to get away from petty high school drama...or things that resemble it. I want to do something with my life...but what?! I go to bio for three hours a day four days a week...yea sure..I'll be done in 6 weeks but it's smack dab in the middle of the day so it's almost pointless to even try to get a job. PLUS I'm not 18 yet so no one wants to hire me. I wish that what I'm feeling right now would just go away...like I could just snap out of this useless feeling and wake up from this dream!
My mind is wandering and I hate it when it wanders...I can never seem to find it again...maybe that has something to do with...did you say something about cake?...haha...sarcasm doesnt even work! maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
Today was okay...well I lie...it sucked. It rained practically all day...and not just a little bit. Singing in the patriotic musical was okay I guess but I didnt get anything from it. I was just singing...I wasnt even putting emotion into the music. I was too consumed with getting the right notes and performing it perfectly that I didnt even know what I was really saying..How can you honestly sing the lyrics and hope and pray that they touch someones heart when you yourself have no feeling for the words....you dont even know what they mean to you?
Lunch was fun. I went with the the Milne's, DeVault's, Sara and Katie B. and Patrick...oh and my parents...lol It was cool i guess. Smilne sat next to me and the waiter was making really weird smiley faces at her ..it was absolutely hilarious..she and I were the only ones to see it and every time he walked by all we could do was laugh! I love that girl! She's really neat.
Oh and Katie..."ya missed!"
So lunch was good. My mom went to pick up my Grandpa at the Orlando airport so I was at home with my dad...and the satellite went out...so I pulled out my violin and started practicing a song that I had started to when I was taking lessons. It's really neat but hard...so anywho...later on my sister Kate and her b/f Jeff came over with their kids Ever and Elias. Ever has gotten sooo big. And when she left I said "I love you Ever." and she said "I love you too Aunt Lily" Yea and actual sentence and she's only two!!
That was the best part of the day I think...
I hate this. I really feel like I'm playing a game...eat this, sleep, wake up, do pointless stuff, talk to people, eat more, go to sleep and do it all over again. The only difference between me and a game is that I control what I do and I have emotions. And you think that that'd be better...sometimes I'm not so sure anymore. I read through some old AIM conversations...well they were actually pretty recent...but I sounded (and please excuse my "french") but I sounded like an immature controlling bitch. The more I read the crappier I felt. I wanted to apologize to the person that I was talking to in the conversations. So if you read this before I get to talk to you...I'm sorry Alex.
I just finished watching "How to lose a guy in 10 days" and it made me really think. I can't believe that I do things that she did to get rid of him. That's the last thing that I want to do. If I lost Alex...I'd die. yep...it's that dramatic...It's like I'm on a frickin stage and I'm reading the lines of my life. And I'm screwing it up!! and the worst part is.. I dont know how to change it. I dont know how to change myself...the way I react to questions and answers...especially the ones I dont like. The stupid emotions that stir inside of me...but if I let any of it out I'll be shot down with more questions and a lecure...why can't I just feel like crap and not want to talk about it? Do I have to tell my mother everything?! That's what it feels like. If I'm not smiling something must be wrong with me and Alex. I really dont think that there's a problem...God, I hope not... but when she says that my mind turns and makes up stupid scenarios...grrr...I want to grow up! I want to get away from petty high school drama...or things that resemble it. I want to do something with my life...but what?! I go to bio for three hours a day four days a week...yea sure..I'll be done in 6 weeks but it's smack dab in the middle of the day so it's almost pointless to even try to get a job. PLUS I'm not 18 yet so no one wants to hire me. I wish that what I'm feeling right now would just go away...like I could just snap out of this useless feeling and wake up from this dream!
My mind is wandering and I hate it when it wanders...I can never seem to find it again...maybe that has something to do with...did you say something about cake?...haha...sarcasm doesnt even work! maybe tomorrow will be a better day...