Moments of transition
I've been feeling very frustrated with my life in recent months.
It's been a rough time. A brutal year, to be honest. Leaving G-Mart at the end of April was necessary. And frankly long overdue. But I've continued to have trouble remembering simply how to relax.
A lot of that has just been feeling the weight of everything: physical pains, mental health struggles, Molly passing away last month. But also just a... restlessness? I'm 48 years old - and with all the changes of these last few months, I've been spending a fair amount of idle time engaged in (stereotypical?) mid-life reflection. Y'know, ALL the existential hits: What is a life for? Am I happy with how I've used my time over the years? What do I want to be doing with my life? What are the things I've always wanted to do, or skills I've wanted to develop, but which I've only ever spent the barest amount of time on? (If at all.)
Getting the ADHD diagnosis a couple of months ago was eye-opening. That's been the new lens through which I've been looking back over the various decisions I've made, and pathways I've followed, over the course of my five decades on this planet. A revelation the past week has been just how much my brain's ADHD-derived lack of dopamine has directed a lot of the things I've done, or have NOT done. Because instead of doing things that might be hard but meaningful, I think I've always - in retrospect - chased that dopamine hit whenever I could, in ways both big and small. (A notable example is how much videogaming gradually became THE default way I've spent my free time in the past decade. Even as it became increasingly less satisfying.)
With how badly G-Mart's owner undervalued both me and Ryvre - and with how massively the job destroyed our physical and mental health over these past few years - we've both been allowing ourselves some (generally uncharacteristic) schadenfreude at how rapidly the business now seems to be going down the tubes in our absence. And yet: I worked for G-Mart for 27 years. It became a goddamn HUGE part of my identity! Even my cellphone's outgoing message, which I recorded two decades ago, began: "Hi! This is Don at G-Mart."
And yes, the first month after Ryvre & I rage quit, that anger at how we were treated was forefront in my mind.
And as the second month began, I identified that the anger had cooled, and that I was now mourning the loss.
Only in the last couple of days was I able to verbalize what I had been feeling but not understanding:
Without G-Mart... Who am I, even?
The answer, of course, is obvious and clear: Whoever you want to be.
...and y'know what? I could leave off right there, and it would sound very nice and inspirational and encouraging.
Except... for fuck's sake, open-ended answers like that only go so far. YES, I can be whoever I want to be. YES, I can spend my time however I want.
Except... that's always been the case, y'know? And, leaving aside the issue of one's occupation, that's as unanswered of a question as it's ever been.
I've got some various thoughts on that. Nothing concrete. But I think I'll leave it here for now.
Thoughts gotta stew.
"The important thing is not to stop questioning." - Einstein, bitches.