The Week In Sex
For the week starting April 21st
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Someone has put a twinkle in your eye, a bounce in your step, a stirring in your loins. You would think they'd notice your funny walk and wriggling hips and that crazy look on your face. You'd be wrong. Looking like a spaz just won't cut the love mustard this week. You'll have to be the one to ask for the Grey Poupon if you want that kind of spice in your life. Thankfully, the chauffeured Rolls won't be necessary.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did Romeo remain hidden in the bushes beneath Juliet's balcony, cloaked in darkness, quietly beating off while keeping his true feelings to himself? Did Abelard remain true to the Church and not confess his hot monkey love for Heloise in book upon book of erotic letters? No! Sure, Romeo bit it and Abelard ended up with no berries on his twig, but isn't it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Yes! So spill the beans.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We know, he/she is so cute you want to take them home and fry them up for breakfast, smother them in ketchup or love or something like that. But here's the thing about the word "smother": to you it means a warm blanket of unconditional adoration, while to your partner it means small and claustrophobic spaces and being weighed down and help, help, I can't breathe! Think twice before bathing someone in the sunshine of your love this week.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
What's that they say about the tail wagging the dog? Well, let's assume you're the dog (sorry, nothing personal) and your overwhelming desire to fall in love (or at the very least, to have sex) is your tail. And it's been shakin' and draggin' your sorry ass all over the place. Put your tail between your legs and get some control. At least then you'll have something between your legs.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If your grandma sends a box of her famous pecan sandies to your office, you share them with your colleagues. If you win the lottery, you buy your sister a car. If you make a killing in computers, you give a couple billion to charity. Same goes for all your charm and wit--share the wealth and spread sunshine. (It just might get you laid.)
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You'll feel like Veruca Salt in a candy store this week. Rows and rows of tasty treats line the shelves all around you. If you just stamped your foot and shouted, "I want it now, Daddy!" you'd probably get it. But better to approach all the eye candy in your life like Charlie might: realize you can't have it all so spend your money (your time, your affections, etc.) wisely and be discriminating. The Golden Ticket could be yours!
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your first task this week is to buy a pair of handcuffs (we've always found the fur-cuffed ones to be the most comfy). You're thinking of something naughty, aren't you? Pervert! We want you to handcuff yourself to your bedpost. It's the only way to prevent you from chasing after someone like a chicken with its head cut off. Relax. Let them come to you. And just think what a relief it will be when they finally show up with the key.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Q: What do you want to do tonight? A: I don't know. Q: What would you like to eat? A: I don't care. Q: Shall we go with the standard missionary position or should we break out the leather underpants and the ball gag? A: Whichever . . . your indecisiveness will drive your lover crazy. Be affectionate or do a little dance or something and maybe, if you're lucky (and a really good dancer), they'll overlook your inability to contribute to the choices you have to make as a couple.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just because you pride yourself on never telling a lie, that doesn't excuse you from coming right out and offering up the truth. Now, we're not suggesting you send out an office memo admitting to Xeroxing your ass on the photocopier, or calling up your old high school sweetheart and confessing to hooking up with their best friend out in the parking lot at the prom. Just make sure that you're currently not leading anyone on by keeping your true intentions to yourself.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stop trying to force square building blocks into round holes. Come to think of it, what the hell are you doing at home playing with kids' toys when you should be out having fun? Put the blocks down and walk away.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
In made-for-TV movies and daytime soap operas, you can always tell when someone is lying about their past. The music takes a turn for the ominous, the liar's eyes shift repeatedly, left to right, right to left, and then we're treated to a flashback scene that shows us what really happened. If only life came equipped with such cues. This week, you'll need to rely on your detective skills and keep your eyes peeled for more subtle hints that things are not what they appear.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Secrets are like virginity--you can only give them away once. And they both make for good gossip. Before divulging your secret crush on your first cousin, get to know the person you're confiding in. (And you might want to check up on your state's incest laws, too.)