The Week in Sex
Better late than never. The lag isn't my fault this week. I tell ya, NOTHING gets done during the holidays. But on that note, it's time to take matters into my own hands!
For the week starting December 3rd, 2007...
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals... well, let's not get into that. Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not... hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain't bad.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You're so busy dreaming about the mountains you'd scale and the valleys you'd traverse once you find True Love, you're missing what's right in your backyard. Perhaps even right in your own bed: Don't discount your favorite booty call as a potential for-better-for-worse, let's-eat-oatmeal-together-every morning partner for life. Hey, you already know the sex will be great.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know how some people find your point of view unconventional and unexpected... what we like to call weird and abnormal? Well, you've got a kindred spirit out there, and you're likely to bump into them this week. They'll find your flair for telling stories about mutant alien baby monkeys charming, and you'll fall for their unhealthy love of burlap. So don't tone down the eccentricities this week like you normally do for your friends' sakes.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You and someone you work with are going to get it on. Just don't let them take pictures, because you know they'll somehow end up on the company server or in the company newsletter.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can talk your way into anyone's heart... but where's the beef?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be unusually stimulated by someone you meet this week... and we don't mean like with a spatula or an egg beater or anything. No, an intense emotional compulsive attraction will make it difficult for you to resist one particular hotcake. Unfortunately, this flapjack is buttered on the jealous side.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Chill out, dude. You're scaring us.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Well, if you were looking for an excuse to avoid any decision-making this week, here it is: according to the stars, this is not the time to get your lover to do things your way. Better to play the submissive role. Whether that includes gimp masks and big man-diapers is up to you. Actually, that's up to your master.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don't just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don't come crying to us when you can't come because it was the second case.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The stars say pleasant surprises are in the air if you just go on that online or blind date this week. They say if you go with the flow you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. Like doggie or the wheelbarrow.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You might be honest about most things, but not always about your feelings. Don't lie this week because love is on the line. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy (except when faced with questions like "Do I look fat?" or "Is my penis too small?").
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don't forget your manners this week: Say please, say thank you, say "that's a nice hat," and above all say "you first."
For the week starting December 3rd, 2007...
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You're looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals... well, let's not get into that. Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not... hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain't bad.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You're so busy dreaming about the mountains you'd scale and the valleys you'd traverse once you find True Love, you're missing what's right in your backyard. Perhaps even right in your own bed: Don't discount your favorite booty call as a potential for-better-for-worse, let's-eat-oatmeal-together-every morning partner for life. Hey, you already know the sex will be great.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You know how some people find your point of view unconventional and unexpected... what we like to call weird and abnormal? Well, you've got a kindred spirit out there, and you're likely to bump into them this week. They'll find your flair for telling stories about mutant alien baby monkeys charming, and you'll fall for their unhealthy love of burlap. So don't tone down the eccentricities this week like you normally do for your friends' sakes.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You and someone you work with are going to get it on. Just don't let them take pictures, because you know they'll somehow end up on the company server or in the company newsletter.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can talk your way into anyone's heart... but where's the beef?
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be unusually stimulated by someone you meet this week... and we don't mean like with a spatula or an egg beater or anything. No, an intense emotional compulsive attraction will make it difficult for you to resist one particular hotcake. Unfortunately, this flapjack is buttered on the jealous side.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Chill out, dude. You're scaring us.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Well, if you were looking for an excuse to avoid any decision-making this week, here it is: according to the stars, this is not the time to get your lover to do things your way. Better to play the submissive role. Whether that includes gimp masks and big man-diapers is up to you. Actually, that's up to your master.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don't just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don't come crying to us when you can't come because it was the second case.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The stars say pleasant surprises are in the air if you just go on that online or blind date this week. They say if you go with the flow you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. Like doggie or the wheelbarrow.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You might be honest about most things, but not always about your feelings. Don't lie this week because love is on the line. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy (except when faced with questions like "Do I look fat?" or "Is my penis too small?").
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don't forget your manners this week: Say please, say thank you, say "that's a nice hat," and above all say "you first."