The Week in Sex
With your morning coffee...
For the week starting November 26th, 2007...
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you don't mean what you say or say what you mean then people will get confused and they'll go have sex with someone else who's less complicated.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
According to the stars, you'll be so sensual this week that it will be difficult for anyone not to notice you. Apparently now is the time to make your move if someone interests you. That's great news, but can we make a few requests while you go about being all sensual? Try not to overdose on the musk fragrance, try not to be "sensual" in a crowded elevator (personal space, people!), and if you're going to have sex to Kenny G, will you at least play his most recent album? That's our favorite.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Friendship has many benefits, most of which Hallmark has covered in excruciating detail and pleasant pastel illustrations. But there's one biggie they forgot: platonic friendships can sometimes blossom into something...more. In fact, we're thinking of petitioning for a new holiday: "Bonk Your Buddy Day." And you're our inspiration.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Look, you can't get something for nothing. If you want to receive, then you've got to give. Enough with the mysterious act. Stop playing it safe. Don't be afraid. Just dress up as a goat in heat like your partner has been requesting, and then you'll get all the anal sex you've been aching for.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you were eleven years old, we'd tell you to spend the week in your treehouse in the company of a few imaginary friends. It's too bad that kind of behavior could get you arrested at your age. But do whatever you can to be aloof and observant this week. And hey, if you want to talk about it with an imaginary friend, we won't tell.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
So maybe you've got a month of dirty laundry, sixty-four hours of unwatched Tivo television, and a stack of unpaid bills at home. But this is not the week to hide your light under a bushel (or a load of laundry). You've got it all going on: great hair week, clear skin, zero water retention -- all that and rhythm, baby. So accept every invite that comes your way and get out there and shine.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You'll forget your keys at work, your wallet at home, your doctor's appointment and your assistant's birthday this week. Just don't forget how absolutely fabulous you are. Even if you can't remember to change your underwear, you've still got a lot to offer people, including all the jerks who don't appreciate you or deserve you.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You'll be a fascinating individual to those watching from afar (those standing any closer may be rather distracted by the massive zit that will appear on your chin early in the week). Don't hesitate to make your move if a distant admirer catches your eye -- just be sure to invest in some Clearasil first.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If life is one big circle jerk, you're the one they're jerking off to this week. (It sounds gross, but really, that's a compliment.) Enjoy the attention and try not to take the metaphor too literally.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be more cryptic than the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle and you'll have everyone wanting to go across and down on you. Don't give anyone a firm answer for at least seven days.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We love you just the way you are. But it's not about us, is it? (Though sometimes we forget that.) No, it's about you. It's about you feeling good about you. A few changes might be in order. You know, like a new job, a new hobby, a new hangout, a new therapy-inspired outlook on life, a new nose. You'll be surprised how you'll thrive in social situations after these changes (especially if you get that nose job).
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People have all sorts of funny relationships these days. You just never can tell who has swinger potential -- and that might not be your cup of tea. If you like your relationships vanilla, make this clear from the start -- don't wait till they're pouring chocolate sauce over your you-know-what.
For the week starting November 26th, 2007...
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you don't mean what you say or say what you mean then people will get confused and they'll go have sex with someone else who's less complicated.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
According to the stars, you'll be so sensual this week that it will be difficult for anyone not to notice you. Apparently now is the time to make your move if someone interests you. That's great news, but can we make a few requests while you go about being all sensual? Try not to overdose on the musk fragrance, try not to be "sensual" in a crowded elevator (personal space, people!), and if you're going to have sex to Kenny G, will you at least play his most recent album? That's our favorite.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Friendship has many benefits, most of which Hallmark has covered in excruciating detail and pleasant pastel illustrations. But there's one biggie they forgot: platonic friendships can sometimes blossom into something...more. In fact, we're thinking of petitioning for a new holiday: "Bonk Your Buddy Day." And you're our inspiration.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Look, you can't get something for nothing. If you want to receive, then you've got to give. Enough with the mysterious act. Stop playing it safe. Don't be afraid. Just dress up as a goat in heat like your partner has been requesting, and then you'll get all the anal sex you've been aching for.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you were eleven years old, we'd tell you to spend the week in your treehouse in the company of a few imaginary friends. It's too bad that kind of behavior could get you arrested at your age. But do whatever you can to be aloof and observant this week. And hey, if you want to talk about it with an imaginary friend, we won't tell.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
So maybe you've got a month of dirty laundry, sixty-four hours of unwatched Tivo television, and a stack of unpaid bills at home. But this is not the week to hide your light under a bushel (or a load of laundry). You've got it all going on: great hair week, clear skin, zero water retention -- all that and rhythm, baby. So accept every invite that comes your way and get out there and shine.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You'll forget your keys at work, your wallet at home, your doctor's appointment and your assistant's birthday this week. Just don't forget how absolutely fabulous you are. Even if you can't remember to change your underwear, you've still got a lot to offer people, including all the jerks who don't appreciate you or deserve you.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You'll be a fascinating individual to those watching from afar (those standing any closer may be rather distracted by the massive zit that will appear on your chin early in the week). Don't hesitate to make your move if a distant admirer catches your eye -- just be sure to invest in some Clearasil first.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If life is one big circle jerk, you're the one they're jerking off to this week. (It sounds gross, but really, that's a compliment.) Enjoy the attention and try not to take the metaphor too literally.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be more cryptic than the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle and you'll have everyone wanting to go across and down on you. Don't give anyone a firm answer for at least seven days.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We love you just the way you are. But it's not about us, is it? (Though sometimes we forget that.) No, it's about you. It's about you feeling good about you. A few changes might be in order. You know, like a new job, a new hobby, a new hangout, a new therapy-inspired outlook on life, a new nose. You'll be surprised how you'll thrive in social situations after these changes (especially if you get that nose job).
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People have all sorts of funny relationships these days. You just never can tell who has swinger potential -- and that might not be your cup of tea. If you like your relationships vanilla, make this clear from the start -- don't wait till they're pouring chocolate sauce over your you-know-what.