S m T a E t V t E, I say...
So... while I was continuing to not sleep this past evening (note: i woke up friday morning, and then didn't sleep until saturday afternoon, and i woke up monday morning, and now won't sleep until tuesday afternoon... this is bad), I -- yet again -- reread my old Lj entries. I'm such a tool. I figured out why I'm doing it though, and it was mostly just to reread the loving comments on the other really shitty entries. Lame, I know --- giiiiiiiiiiiiiirl, I'm aware. But, what have you.
Anyway, the point of this post was to extrapolate on how history sometimes repeats itself. During that whole Matt phase, I would go in cyclic CRAZY. One week I'd be a hot mess, and then the next week I'd be determined to be okay. I found this, though, and found it interesting ('cause i'm pretty sure i've said the same thing about what's-his-name about seven billion times now):
"Sometimes I read too much into stuff and it's not valid,
and sometimes reading too much makes me pick up on your little idiosyncratic points.
Most of the time I'm very well-guarded, and I think that's working out well.
I'm often very proud of my self-control.
Even though things clearly aren't what I'd prefer,
I really feel like I'm getting the best you can offer."
Annnnd as far as the old Lj entries go... I've seriously written about how sad I am about Steve for I can't even COUNT how many entries. And it's true, I'm not saying it's not. I'm just commenting that I'm AWARE I'm pathetic. I'm going to try and do that less from now on...
But okay, since we're still being pathetic for a hot minute I'm going to vent out another Steve entry (shocked?) and also a quick bit on Matthew...
So, Steve. What the hell is going on there? Shit. I just feel like we're too graphically drawn to one another for it not to work out SOME day. Okay, I'll admit, we just aren't right for one another at this point in our lives. I don't see him wanting to be in a relationship, period, though I could be wrong. And as far as me -- I'm in a weird spot, myself. It's not like I'm "all growed up" and over partying, drinking, drugs, and sex... far from it. But at the same time I really seek a relationship. I *do* still want to party *sometimes*, but at other times I'd like to just curl up on the couch and watch some stupid movie and eat chinese before climbing into bed and passing out (without having sex! gasp!)... you know... exactly what Steve and I used to do ... ... ... So... fuck. I guess I just have to be sad for a little while, but to be quite honest, I'm kind of done with it. I've *got* to figure out how we can be friends without this killing me.
And Matthew... Well, I don't think I fully explained Saturday, ever. I couldn't fall sleep Friday night...for whatever reason. So I went to the 10a dress having not slept a wink, then continued to the orch sing for Cosi at noon (continuing to have not slept, mind you) where I actually sang quite a bit. By the time I got home I was totally whiped and knew I'd fall asleep, so I just set my alarm and let sleep take me over. But THEN I went ahead and slept allllllll the fuck through it... effectually missing Miller Show. I'm not sure if Matt found out from someone else, or whatever, but I really wanted to tell him. What seems vaguely like veiled contempt (though I suppose I could be imagining it) seems to indicate he did find out. I just want to convey that it was unintentional, and that I was really *really* upset that I didn't get to see it. And... yeah. I do really want to take him out for his birthday. Esp because I got that bitchin' Raddy giftcard today =-)
Anyway, the point of this post was to extrapolate on how history sometimes repeats itself. During that whole Matt phase, I would go in cyclic CRAZY. One week I'd be a hot mess, and then the next week I'd be determined to be okay. I found this, though, and found it interesting ('cause i'm pretty sure i've said the same thing about what's-his-name about seven billion times now):
"Sometimes I read too much into stuff and it's not valid,
and sometimes reading too much makes me pick up on your little idiosyncratic points.
Most of the time I'm very well-guarded, and I think that's working out well.
I'm often very proud of my self-control.
Even though things clearly aren't what I'd prefer,
I really feel like I'm getting the best you can offer."
Annnnd as far as the old Lj entries go... I've seriously written about how sad I am about Steve for I can't even COUNT how many entries. And it's true, I'm not saying it's not. I'm just commenting that I'm AWARE I'm pathetic. I'm going to try and do that less from now on...
But okay, since we're still being pathetic for a hot minute I'm going to vent out another Steve entry (shocked?) and also a quick bit on Matthew...
So, Steve. What the hell is going on there? Shit. I just feel like we're too graphically drawn to one another for it not to work out SOME day. Okay, I'll admit, we just aren't right for one another at this point in our lives. I don't see him wanting to be in a relationship, period, though I could be wrong. And as far as me -- I'm in a weird spot, myself. It's not like I'm "all growed up" and over partying, drinking, drugs, and sex... far from it. But at the same time I really seek a relationship. I *do* still want to party *sometimes*, but at other times I'd like to just curl up on the couch and watch some stupid movie and eat chinese before climbing into bed and passing out (without having sex! gasp!)... you know... exactly what Steve and I used to do ... ... ... So... fuck. I guess I just have to be sad for a little while, but to be quite honest, I'm kind of done with it. I've *got* to figure out how we can be friends without this killing me.
And Matthew... Well, I don't think I fully explained Saturday, ever. I couldn't fall sleep Friday night...for whatever reason. So I went to the 10a dress having not slept a wink, then continued to the orch sing for Cosi at noon (continuing to have not slept, mind you) where I actually sang quite a bit. By the time I got home I was totally whiped and knew I'd fall asleep, so I just set my alarm and let sleep take me over. But THEN I went ahead and slept allllllll the fuck through it... effectually missing Miller Show. I'm not sure if Matt found out from someone else, or whatever, but I really wanted to tell him. What seems vaguely like veiled contempt (though I suppose I could be imagining it) seems to indicate he did find out. I just want to convey that it was unintentional, and that I was really *really* upset that I didn't get to see it. And... yeah. I do really want to take him out for his birthday. Esp because I got that bitchin' Raddy giftcard today =-)