(no subject)
Title: The Rainbow Connection
Universe: Harry Potter
Type: Slash
Genre: Humor
Pairings: Regulus/Lockhart, with decided mentions of Sirius/Remus
Characters: Regulus and Sirius, Lockhart, Remus, James, Peter
Rating: Hard PG/Light PG-13 for mild language, snogging, and the implication of Sirius drinking and shagging Remus on a Sunday night
Summary: Regulus is GAY. Really. Which is why his gay older brother really believes him. Really.
Spoilers: None that I can think of
Word Count: 1,516
Disclaimer: JK Rowling made up the Potterverse; I just write the fanfic. No money is being made in this venture and I have nothing to sue for.
Beta: Chelsea/unrulygarden
“I’m gay, Sirius! Don’t you get it?!”
This was definitely not the way Sirius Black wanted to start his Monday morning. It was bad enough that Remus, Prefect’s badge aside, had let him drink Firewhiskey last night before they’d shagged, and now his thirteen-year-old, ignorant, pretty boy brother, Regulus, had come over to the Gryffindor table to vehemently insist that he was, in fact, gay.
This had been his Thing recently. Two weeks ago it had been that he wanted to grow up and be a dragon keeper. Before that it had been that he was going to learn how to be an Animagus - and at thirteen. Clearly, he was just trying to irritate their mother, but she was too busy finding something wrong with everything Sirius did to do much more than pat Regulus on the head.
So this week, with the knowledge of how mother had nearly exploded when, on a semi-routine search of Sirius’ room, she found all his letters from Remus that made it quite explicit what Sirius thought of the werewolf’s arse and what he wanted to do to it, Regulus was pretending to be gay. It was almost cute, in a pathetic sort of way. But then Sirius had to think about his own predilections - and his undeniable chemistry with and attraction to a certain werewolf - and remembered that he should have probably been offended. That was, if his head wouldn’t throb so much.
It was bad enough that he couldn’t even explain his own Master Plan to Get Snivellus - James had to do it for him, even if only Peter was listening - but now Regulus needed to be smacked, or at the very least, yelled at. No, no…he had too much of a headache for that; it wasn’t worth the effort to yell at him too much.
“Regulus…leave,” Sirius groaned.
“But…why?” Regulus protested.
“Regulus!” Remus interjected sharply, flashing his Prefect’s badge. “Your brother is tired and has a headache. Leave him alone, won’t you?”
“Stow it, Lupin.” Regulus huffed.
“He’s right you know, Reg,” James chuckled, looking up from his parchment. “What with loony Lupin being the ponce that he is, and your dear brother being the poncy boy lover he is-”
“But I’m gay! Really!”
“Yeah right,” Peter sniggered into his pumpkin juice.
“Why doesn’t anyone understand me?!”
“Because you’re thirteen and none of us speak Stupid,” Sirius growled.
“But I’m gay! REALLY! I am!”
“Being a fancy lad prat doesn’t make you gay!”
“But, Sirius! I am!”
“Regulus,” Remus sighed, quickly losing his patience. “Go back to your own table or I’ll have to report you for harassing us.”
“Seriously,” James added. “Go bother Snivellus or something.”
“Can’t you all see that I’m gay?! Don’t you care?”
“You’re not and no,” Sirius snarled.
“You’re my brother! You should be the most understanding!”
“If you’re so gay, prove it.”
“Okay, I will!”
Even in his state of reduced ability to function, Sirius could see that he had just won the argument. Regulus was in a corner, and he didn’t try to hide it. His eyes grew wide and every inch of his inherited good looks reeked of fear. There was honestly no way he was going to get out of this and win…if he was at home, he could just bother Mother until she dismissively agreed, but this time, he would have to lose. Naturally, he would complain about it but today Sirius won.
Just as Sirius was ready to celebrate his premature victory, Fortune smiled upon Regulus. It had finely groomed blonde hair, a lilac scarf around its neck (and clashing terribly with its green and silver tie), and the kind of face that just begged to be punched. Oddly enough, Fortune had chosen to manifest itself as Slytherin third-year Gilderoy Lockhart.
“Good morning, Gryffindors,” he chirped, waving respectfully; that nicety out of the way, he turned to his prior business. “Regulus, Mister Malfoy wishes to speak with you, regarding something you’ve done to the Common Room’s décor.”
“Oi, Lockhart,” Regulus hissed, his eyes gleaming. “Come here.”
Sirius groaned. He was familiar with the gleam in Regulus’ eyes, having expressed that familial trait so many times himself. He also knew that there was no way that this could possibly end well. Completely oblivious to the conniving glint in Regulus’ eyes, Lockhart complied and walked over to him. He motioned for the blond boy to move closer; once again, Lockhart obeyed. Once he was close enough, Regulus grabbed him and kissed him hard on the mouth.
A collective gasp of shock and awe rippled throughout the Great Hall. Lily and several of her friends dropped their forks, which fell, clattering, to the floor. Lucius Malfoy’s eyebrows threatened to break off of his face and Severus Snape had to practically choke himself to keep from vomiting. Peter spilled his pumpkin juice, forever ruining the latest Master Plan to Get Snivellus. James didn’t even react to this or try to clean up the mess; he was frozen solid in surprise. At the staff table, Professor Horace Slughorn fainted, most likely at the thought that neither of the Black brothers would reproduce.
In fact, the only people who seemed nonplussed by this breakfast snog spectacle were: Sirius and Remus, who were all too used to this sort of behavior; and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who sipped his tea and pretended to not notice.
To add credibility to this farce, Regulus wrapped one of his hands in Lockhart’s hair and grabbed his arse with the other. A gaggle of third-year girls from all the tables - even Gryffindor, though Sirius was loath to admit it - applauded, whistled, and cat-called as Regulus turned and lowered Lockhart as though they were in a tango. Taking one of the blond boy’s hands, Regulus broke the kiss off; he gave Lockhart a penetrating stare before drawing both himself and his snog-bunny back into standing positions. Without a second thought, he left a clearly woozy Lockhart on his own two feet.
Defiantly, Regulus turned to face his brother.
“There, Sirius!” He yelled petulantly. “I’m GAY! Do you believe me yet?!”
As soon as Regulus had said this, Lockhart let out a whimper and fainted onto the floor of the Great Hall.
There was once again applause, this time almost exclusively from the other Slytherin boys.
“Regulus, take Lockhart up to the Hospital Wing, won’t you?” Remus sighed, massaging his temples.
“Why me?” Regulus protested.
“You snogged him, so he’s your responsibility, you git!” Sirius barked. “Now listen to the nice Prefect and get that prat up to the Hospital Wing!”
Regulus pouted, but complied for fear of being reported to a teacher for the second time in three days. Grumbling incoherently, he threw one of Lockhart’s arms over his shoulders and began dragging the unconscious boy to the Hospital Wing. As soon as Regulus was gone and the tumult had calmed down, James turned to the other Marauders.
“So, gents, what’s the verdict?” He asked as Peter cleaned up the pumpkin juice mess.
“He’s not gay,” Remus and Sirius replied matter-of-factly.
“Looked pretty gay to me,” Peter huffed.
“As great as your opinion is to you, Wormtail,” Sirius huffed. “Moony and I are the experts here, not you.”
“Just because I’m not gay doesn’t mean I can’t see it!”
“Except that you didn’t even pick up on me and Remus until James broke down and told you.”
“That doesn’t mean anything!”
“In all fairness, Wormtail,” Remus chuckled. “You don’t have the best social aptitude.”
“And now we’re going to drop it,” James sniggered. “Will Messers Moony and Padfoot please explain their verdict so we can finish here and get to class?”
“Gladly, Mister Prongs. See, if you watched Regulus closely, you’d be able to tell in two seconds that he’s used to dealing with girls.”
“Why’s that then?”
“He grabbed Lockhart’s arse too high up,” Sirius explained blandly; the headache was getting to him again, and he had to lay his head down. “And did you see how he pulled Lockhart in? It was way too loose. Obviously, he’s looking for female curves.”
“Which kind of makes you wonder where he got the experience…”
“That’s enough, thank you, Mister Moony,” James barked, flushing scarlet.
“Oy, Prongs,” Peter said, seemingly more confused than usual. “What’s your problem?”
“He’s Sirius’ younger brother, Wormtail!”
“So?”
“So I don’t want to talk about him snogging little girls!”
“They’re thirteen.”
“That’s still too young to be snogging!”
“But Regulus just-”
“Shut up, Wormtail!”
The next few minutes were spent in almost complete silence. Had Sirius not dozed off, it would have easily been complete. Sadly, the reality of the situation was that he snored; forcing Remus to quickly flip through The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Five to look for the Headache Curing Charm. Apparently, though, Sirius’ thick skull was fairly resistant to charms. All that the charm got Remus was a groan and an incoherent complaint that he thought had something to do with Quidditch, hot showers, and Poland.
Maybe it was better to just make Sirius learn his lesson on his own.
Universe: Harry Potter
Type: Slash
Genre: Humor
Pairings: Regulus/Lockhart, with decided mentions of Sirius/Remus
Characters: Regulus and Sirius, Lockhart, Remus, James, Peter
Rating: Hard PG/Light PG-13 for mild language, snogging, and the implication of Sirius drinking and shagging Remus on a Sunday night
Summary: Regulus is GAY. Really. Which is why his gay older brother really believes him. Really.
Spoilers: None that I can think of
Word Count: 1,516
Disclaimer: JK Rowling made up the Potterverse; I just write the fanfic. No money is being made in this venture and I have nothing to sue for.
Beta: Chelsea/unrulygarden
“I’m gay, Sirius! Don’t you get it?!”
This was definitely not the way Sirius Black wanted to start his Monday morning. It was bad enough that Remus, Prefect’s badge aside, had let him drink Firewhiskey last night before they’d shagged, and now his thirteen-year-old, ignorant, pretty boy brother, Regulus, had come over to the Gryffindor table to vehemently insist that he was, in fact, gay.
This had been his Thing recently. Two weeks ago it had been that he wanted to grow up and be a dragon keeper. Before that it had been that he was going to learn how to be an Animagus - and at thirteen. Clearly, he was just trying to irritate their mother, but she was too busy finding something wrong with everything Sirius did to do much more than pat Regulus on the head.
So this week, with the knowledge of how mother had nearly exploded when, on a semi-routine search of Sirius’ room, she found all his letters from Remus that made it quite explicit what Sirius thought of the werewolf’s arse and what he wanted to do to it, Regulus was pretending to be gay. It was almost cute, in a pathetic sort of way. But then Sirius had to think about his own predilections - and his undeniable chemistry with and attraction to a certain werewolf - and remembered that he should have probably been offended. That was, if his head wouldn’t throb so much.
It was bad enough that he couldn’t even explain his own Master Plan to Get Snivellus - James had to do it for him, even if only Peter was listening - but now Regulus needed to be smacked, or at the very least, yelled at. No, no…he had too much of a headache for that; it wasn’t worth the effort to yell at him too much.
“Regulus…leave,” Sirius groaned.
“But…why?” Regulus protested.
“Regulus!” Remus interjected sharply, flashing his Prefect’s badge. “Your brother is tired and has a headache. Leave him alone, won’t you?”
“Stow it, Lupin.” Regulus huffed.
“He’s right you know, Reg,” James chuckled, looking up from his parchment. “What with loony Lupin being the ponce that he is, and your dear brother being the poncy boy lover he is-”
“But I’m gay! Really!”
“Yeah right,” Peter sniggered into his pumpkin juice.
“Why doesn’t anyone understand me?!”
“Because you’re thirteen and none of us speak Stupid,” Sirius growled.
“But I’m gay! REALLY! I am!”
“Being a fancy lad prat doesn’t make you gay!”
“But, Sirius! I am!”
“Regulus,” Remus sighed, quickly losing his patience. “Go back to your own table or I’ll have to report you for harassing us.”
“Seriously,” James added. “Go bother Snivellus or something.”
“Can’t you all see that I’m gay?! Don’t you care?”
“You’re not and no,” Sirius snarled.
“You’re my brother! You should be the most understanding!”
“If you’re so gay, prove it.”
“Okay, I will!”
Even in his state of reduced ability to function, Sirius could see that he had just won the argument. Regulus was in a corner, and he didn’t try to hide it. His eyes grew wide and every inch of his inherited good looks reeked of fear. There was honestly no way he was going to get out of this and win…if he was at home, he could just bother Mother until she dismissively agreed, but this time, he would have to lose. Naturally, he would complain about it but today Sirius won.
Just as Sirius was ready to celebrate his premature victory, Fortune smiled upon Regulus. It had finely groomed blonde hair, a lilac scarf around its neck (and clashing terribly with its green and silver tie), and the kind of face that just begged to be punched. Oddly enough, Fortune had chosen to manifest itself as Slytherin third-year Gilderoy Lockhart.
“Good morning, Gryffindors,” he chirped, waving respectfully; that nicety out of the way, he turned to his prior business. “Regulus, Mister Malfoy wishes to speak with you, regarding something you’ve done to the Common Room’s décor.”
“Oi, Lockhart,” Regulus hissed, his eyes gleaming. “Come here.”
Sirius groaned. He was familiar with the gleam in Regulus’ eyes, having expressed that familial trait so many times himself. He also knew that there was no way that this could possibly end well. Completely oblivious to the conniving glint in Regulus’ eyes, Lockhart complied and walked over to him. He motioned for the blond boy to move closer; once again, Lockhart obeyed. Once he was close enough, Regulus grabbed him and kissed him hard on the mouth.
A collective gasp of shock and awe rippled throughout the Great Hall. Lily and several of her friends dropped their forks, which fell, clattering, to the floor. Lucius Malfoy’s eyebrows threatened to break off of his face and Severus Snape had to practically choke himself to keep from vomiting. Peter spilled his pumpkin juice, forever ruining the latest Master Plan to Get Snivellus. James didn’t even react to this or try to clean up the mess; he was frozen solid in surprise. At the staff table, Professor Horace Slughorn fainted, most likely at the thought that neither of the Black brothers would reproduce.
In fact, the only people who seemed nonplussed by this breakfast snog spectacle were: Sirius and Remus, who were all too used to this sort of behavior; and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, who sipped his tea and pretended to not notice.
To add credibility to this farce, Regulus wrapped one of his hands in Lockhart’s hair and grabbed his arse with the other. A gaggle of third-year girls from all the tables - even Gryffindor, though Sirius was loath to admit it - applauded, whistled, and cat-called as Regulus turned and lowered Lockhart as though they were in a tango. Taking one of the blond boy’s hands, Regulus broke the kiss off; he gave Lockhart a penetrating stare before drawing both himself and his snog-bunny back into standing positions. Without a second thought, he left a clearly woozy Lockhart on his own two feet.
Defiantly, Regulus turned to face his brother.
“There, Sirius!” He yelled petulantly. “I’m GAY! Do you believe me yet?!”
As soon as Regulus had said this, Lockhart let out a whimper and fainted onto the floor of the Great Hall.
There was once again applause, this time almost exclusively from the other Slytherin boys.
“Regulus, take Lockhart up to the Hospital Wing, won’t you?” Remus sighed, massaging his temples.
“Why me?” Regulus protested.
“You snogged him, so he’s your responsibility, you git!” Sirius barked. “Now listen to the nice Prefect and get that prat up to the Hospital Wing!”
Regulus pouted, but complied for fear of being reported to a teacher for the second time in three days. Grumbling incoherently, he threw one of Lockhart’s arms over his shoulders and began dragging the unconscious boy to the Hospital Wing. As soon as Regulus was gone and the tumult had calmed down, James turned to the other Marauders.
“So, gents, what’s the verdict?” He asked as Peter cleaned up the pumpkin juice mess.
“He’s not gay,” Remus and Sirius replied matter-of-factly.
“Looked pretty gay to me,” Peter huffed.
“As great as your opinion is to you, Wormtail,” Sirius huffed. “Moony and I are the experts here, not you.”
“Just because I’m not gay doesn’t mean I can’t see it!”
“Except that you didn’t even pick up on me and Remus until James broke down and told you.”
“That doesn’t mean anything!”
“In all fairness, Wormtail,” Remus chuckled. “You don’t have the best social aptitude.”
“And now we’re going to drop it,” James sniggered. “Will Messers Moony and Padfoot please explain their verdict so we can finish here and get to class?”
“Gladly, Mister Prongs. See, if you watched Regulus closely, you’d be able to tell in two seconds that he’s used to dealing with girls.”
“Why’s that then?”
“He grabbed Lockhart’s arse too high up,” Sirius explained blandly; the headache was getting to him again, and he had to lay his head down. “And did you see how he pulled Lockhart in? It was way too loose. Obviously, he’s looking for female curves.”
“Which kind of makes you wonder where he got the experience…”
“That’s enough, thank you, Mister Moony,” James barked, flushing scarlet.
“Oy, Prongs,” Peter said, seemingly more confused than usual. “What’s your problem?”
“He’s Sirius’ younger brother, Wormtail!”
“So?”
“So I don’t want to talk about him snogging little girls!”
“They’re thirteen.”
“That’s still too young to be snogging!”
“But Regulus just-”
“Shut up, Wormtail!”
The next few minutes were spent in almost complete silence. Had Sirius not dozed off, it would have easily been complete. Sadly, the reality of the situation was that he snored; forcing Remus to quickly flip through The Standard Book of Spells, Grade Five to look for the Headache Curing Charm. Apparently, though, Sirius’ thick skull was fairly resistant to charms. All that the charm got Remus was a groan and an incoherent complaint that he thought had something to do with Quidditch, hot showers, and Poland.
Maybe it was better to just make Sirius learn his lesson on his own.