Inside Out 11/11
Title: Inside Out Part Eleven
Author: Twilight
Summary: Blair has been putting something off for a long time and Jim's determined to find out why, but at what cost...
Feedback: Always welcome
Notes: This story has been suggested by my dear friend Romanse, yeah, she made me do it.
Also a huge thank you to everyone who nominated this story for an LMFA!!
*~*~*
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
“Hey, man. How you holding up?” Henry sat across from Jim, tucking his coat over his arm. “What’s going on with hairboy?”
Rafe followed his partner into the waiting room and plunked down by Henry, waiting for Jim to reply.
Jim wiped his hand up and over his face, before dropping it back into his lap. “I ah…I talked with Blair’s surgeon. They’re gonna admit him in a few minutes and then we can go up. They think he might have a bowel obstruction.”
“But what does that mean?” Rafe wanted to know. “I mean, what can they do for him?”
Jim shifted forward; ready to explain what he’d been told when a man in scrubs came into the family waiting room. “Mr. Ellison?”
“Yes, here.” Jim stood, glancing back at his co workers with an apologetic nod.
“Were getting ready to put in the NG tube and I think Mr. Sandburg will be more relaxed if he had someone familiar with him.”
Jim followed the man back through a set of doors and then down a maze of hallways and gurneys. The ER was busy, many people bustled back and forth, moving from room to room and to the large desk that seemed to be the hub.
Blair was sitting up, rigid in the bed, both hands holding the medal rails on either side so tight that his knuckles were turning white. His face was pinched with pain, the fine lines around his mouth and eyes drawn and he looked flushed, sweaty.
“Hey, Pal. How you holding up?”
Blair’s eyes lifted to meet Jim’s, but he didn’t let go of the rails. The deep blue iris’ swam with unshed tears that Blair seemed to be trying to hold back. He looked miserable and Jim’s own anxiety ratcheted up a few notches.
He couldn’t fix this…Couldn’t protect Blair from the betrayal of his own body.
“I’ve been better, man.” The words were practically whispered, Blair’s voice was strained from being so violently sick. He held a plastic basin on his lap, but it seemed empty.
The doctor and a few other people moved around the room, pulling things from cabinets and opening packages and placing them on a table by Blair’s bed.
“What have they told you, Blair?” Jim asked. Dr. Ramanatha had stopped by and spoke with Jim after she saw Blair, but Jim wasn’t sure what Blair had been told.
He knew from his own experiences that not knowing what was happening could make things worse.
“They ah…”
Jim moved closer, resting his hand on one of Blair’s, hoping that he would release his death grip from the rail.
“They ah said that I’ll be moved to a room after they put the NG tube in and that ah…”
The hand under his relaxed a little and the fingers uncurled from the medal bar. Blair rested his hand on the sheets as Jim continued to run his fingers soothingly over the palm.
“I’ll have to stay for awile. They’re gonna try antibiotics first...”
Jim knew that there was a possibility that Blair might need additional surgery, but he didn’t want him to dwell on that. Blair’s other hand tightened around the rail, but the one under his stayed relaxed.
A nurse stepped up to the bed, some papers in her hand. Jim was glad for the distraction.
“I need you to sign for admission, Mr. Sandburg. The papers explain the procedures we might have to do and contain your authorization for both treatment and insurance payment.”
Blair scrawled his name on the bottom without even reading them. Jim supposed he had already been told his treatment options beyond admission.
“Ok,” the woman tucked the papers into a folder and turned to pull on some gloves. She reached into the opened package on the table and pulled out a long coiled tube. She held the end up to Blair’s nose and then ran some around to his ear. “This is just to measure how much tube we need.” She explained, still holding the tip to Blair’s nose in one hand the other hand held the section a few inches away by Blair’s left ear. She then tucked the tube behind the ear and ran the tube down to Blair’s stomach near his belly button. She noted the increment on the tube and then rubbed the tip through some jelly. “Okay. I’m going to thread the tube through your nostril and then down into your stomach.”
Jim could see and feel Blair’s body tense even as he nodded his head in understanding. He curled his fingers around the palm and held it gently, giving what little support he could.
She placed a cup with a straw in Blair’s other hand and Jim was glad to see it held something other than the side rail.
“Once the tube gets to the back of your throat I going to ask you to drink, swallowing the water will help the tube go down.”
Another person came to the bed, holding a bottle of something in her hand. “I need you to open your mouth while I spray in the numbing medicine.”
Blair obeyed; opening his mouth as the liquid was sprayed in, swallowing a few times.
“It’ll only take a few seconds to work.” The woman said, going back to whatever she was doing on the other side of the room.
“Okay, ready?”
Blair nodded his head, closing and opening his eyes a few times as the nurse moved in closer with the lubed tube.
“Relax and breathe normal.”
He nodded as the tip entered his nostril, gagging a little when it reached his throat.
“Okay, take a drink.”
Blair sipped from the straw, swallowing the water and the tube.
“Open our mouth and let me see.” The nurse told him as she continued to feed the tube down into Blair’s stomach. “Good, it’s not coiling. You can keep drinking.”
He took a few more sips from the straw, but put the cup in his lap after the nurse stepped back. She screwed a syringe to the end of the exposed tube, drawing back on it until a browning liquid came up the tube from Blair’s stomach. Satisfied with the placement, she connected the tube to a machine that would continue to draw the fluid from his stomach and used a little tape to hold it in place in his nose and another under his ear.
“All done.” She said, giving them both a small smile. “They’ll be coming soon to take you up to your room.”
Once she was done, Blair seemed to relax a little, resting against the pillows. Jim remembered he had left Rafe and Brown in the waiting room. “Um, Chief. Some of the guys are out there. Will you be ok for a few minutes while I go tell them what’s going on?”
“Sure, man.” Blair’s eyes were dropping, but he forced them open each time they started to close. “I’ll be fine.”
Jim patted his leg through the sheet, relieved to see both of Blair’s hands resting beside him. “I’ll be right back.”
The crowd had grown when he returned from the treatment room. Rafe and Brown sat drinking vending machine coffee while Simon chomped on his unlit cigar. Joel was standing by the window that overlooked the parking lot, talking on his cell phone.
Jim was surprised to see everyone, thinking that someone should be still working, but then he glanced at his watch. Their shift had been long over and it warmed the chill in his belly to see people that cared about Blair waiting to hear word of his condition.
“Jim?” Simon spotted him first, rising to meet him near the door to the waiting room. “How’s Sandburg?”
“He’s doing better. They’re taking him up to a room soon. You might get in to see him before visiting hours are over.”
He sat down in the chair near the window, across from Henry and Rafe and Simon followed him. Joel shut his cell phone, saying goodbye to his wife.
They all waited to hear the prognosis and it brought home again the fact that Jim wasn’t alone in his concern.
“They ah, they think it’s a partial blockage. Could be from the surgery. Sometimes fibrous fissures form and block the colon. They’ve started him on antibiotics and hopefully that will take care of it.”
They all seemed relieved, probably choosing to believe the best case scenario.
“I’m gonna go check on him. I’ll come get you when he’s settled in his room.” He stood to leave, not too surprised when Simon stood to follow.
Once they were out of the room and in the hall Simon said, “So what aren’t you saying?”
Jim slowed his step, turning to his captain and friend. “There’s a chance that they may have to operate again. If the meds don’t work they may have to go in and…” He didn’t want to say the words, didn’t want to take the chance that just speaking it could make it true. Blair had been through so much already. He shouldn’t have to be dealing with this possibility on the heels of the trauma he had just to endure.
“Listen, Jim. Don’t go getting all worked up over this. Blair’s gonna need you to be the level headed one if it looks like it’s gonna go that way.
Simon always did know how to state the obvious. He sighed, knowing that Simon was right…he had to hold it together.
“Besides, we don’t know what’s going to happen here. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
We will. Not Jim, not Blair, but we.
Sometime Jim forgot that Blair wasn’t the only one that understood his…problems. The others didn’t know about his abilities, but they did care for both of them. For Jim and Blair.
“You’re right. I need to keep it under control, ‘cause Blair…he’s hardly holding it together.”
Jim started to walk away again, but Simon grabbed his arm. “You ah…have you been feeling anything lately, you know…”
“Feeling?” He wasn’t being dense on purpose, but the look Simon gave him was priceless.
The cigar reappeared from his boss’ pocket and he shoved it in his mouth and clamped down on it. “You know…that sixth sense thing you two got going. You knew the first time around that something was hinky. You can use that to your advantage.”
Jim’s eyebrows rose as Simon snickered.
He hadn’t thought of that.
“Now go see how the kids doing. Tell him his friends are all waiting to see him.”
Jim nodded, turning on his heels and moving back through the ER doors. A nurse at the large desk stopped him mid way to the treatment room. “They just took Mr. Sandburg up to his room,” she told him, looking at a clipboard on the desk. “He’s on the fifth floor. Room 524.”
“Thanks,” he told her, turning to go back out the way he came.
“You can use the elevators at the end of the hall there.” She pointed in the opposite direction. He followed the hall and around the bend found a bank of elevators.
When he arrived on the fifth floor, he looked at the signs on the wall, finding Blair’s room to be to on the right.
The hallway was bright lit but many of the rooms he passed were darkened. He glanced at his watch again; surprise to see it was almost nine at night.
A nurse was stepping out of Blair’s room as he came to the door. “Oh, sorry. Are you Jim?”
He nodded, looking beyond her and into the dim room. He could clearly make out the man on the bed, resting on his side, faced away from the door.
“I’m Fiona. I’ll be with Mr. Sandburg the rest of the night. Go on in. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Jim stepped up to the bed, sinking into the chair as Blair rolled carefully to his back. “How ya doing, Chief?”
“Better.” He shifted again, sitting up a bit against the pillows.
“The guys are all waiting to see you if you’re feeling up to it.” Jim told him, leaning forward in his chair, fisting his hands in his lap. Seeing Blair like this again, it just brought back all those feelings of helplessness.
He itched just to do something.
“I don’t know, man. I’m sure I look like…”
“Don’t worry about that, buddy. They’re concern. They want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
Blair seemed to be considering his words and then nodded. “Yeah…okay.”
Jim stood, patting Blair’s shoulder. “I’ll go tell them you’re ready. They won’t stay long, buddy. You need your rest.”
Fiona passed Jim on her way back in. “I’m gonna let our coworkers know he’s settled in the room so they can visit.”
“Sure, that’s fine but only for a little while. I need to clean out his drains.”
Jim didn’t like the sounds of that, so he hurried his steps.
*~*~*
Blair felt like shit. The drugs or the tube in his stomach, he wasn’t sure which, but he felt like he was gonna hurl. Each time he took a breath he could feel the tickle at the back of his throat. And he was hot. The sheets that were cool now stuck to his heated skin.
They guys had just left. But Joel was lingering near the end of the bed, talking to Jim.
The nurse walked by from time to time, glancing in; probably ready to throw out his guests so she could get him settled for the night.
While they were all with him, he could almost pretend that he wasn’t lying in the bed, feeling worse by the minute. But once they were gone he started to fade fast. He must have zoned out because he was startled when Joel touched him on the shoulder.
“You’re in my prayers, Blair.” Joel squeezed his shoulder and then stepped away. “Me and the Misses will be by in a day or two to check on you. She’s wanting to feed you once you can eat again.”
Blair smiled, nodding his head. “Sounds good, man. You know I love her cooking.”
“I’ll remind her.” Joel said, moving to the door. “Sleep tight.”
Almost as soon as he stepped out, the nurse stepped in. “How are you feeling, Mr. Sandburg?” She was young, maybe younger than Blair, her dark hair pulled back into a pony tail at the base of her neck.
“Just Blair.” He told her, watching as she opened some packages. “I feel old when people call me mister.”
“Okay, Blair.” She pulled on some gloves and asked him if he wanted Jim to stay. “I’m just going to be scraping the tubes to open them up. That should get them draining again and you’ll feel better once they do.”
Jim waited by the end of the bed, where he was standing when Joel had been talking to him.
“He can stay if he wants.”
Jim nodded, sliding into the chair.
Blair shifted as she pulled the blanket and sheet back. “This won’t hurt.” He watched in a detached sorta way as she used a gauze and some sort of flat metal thing. Starting at the end closes to his skin, she held the tube so it wouldn’t pull and scraped with the medal thing downward, cleaning the clogged gunk and forcing it into the collection bag.
After a few passes on each tube the fluid was flowing again. He watched as she emptied the bag and then cleaned around the drains. “Your stitches look good. They should be coming out soon.”
He nodded, thinking he might still be in the hospital when it was time to have them removed and that was a depressing thought.
As soon as she was done, she cleaned up and got ready to leave. “The doctor said you can have something to help you sleep if you need it.”
He shook his head, “No…I don’t want anything.” Jim gave him a curious look, but he didn’t explain.
“Okay.” She moved around the bed, straightening his sheets and making sure he was comfortable and that the call button was clipped to the pillow within easy reach. “Just buzz me if you change your mind.”
“Thanks, Fiona. I will.”
He turned to Jim, thinking he should explain why he declined, but Jim nodded. “It’s okay. I think I understand. Ya know, a few times after you came around and you would just sorta drift, zone out. It scared the shit outta me. I thought you were…”
Blair was surprised. He hadn’t really thought about Jim in all this.
“Anyway, I knew you were still with me, it just worried me there for awhile.”
“You knew?” Blair took in the look that crossed Jim face, as if he had been caught doing something wrong.
His friend cleared his throat. “I ah…I got this sorta feeling that something was wrong. Knowing what I know now…I should have acted.”
“Wait…what do you mean a feeling?” He sat up a little more, shifting his body a bit more toward Jim.
Jim seemed to be thinking through what he wanted to say. “I ah…when you were in surgery I had this feeling…a strong feeling that something wasn’t right. I sent the aid back a few times to check, but when she reported back everything was fine and then when you were in recovery…I just knew you weren’t with me. I don’t know how…”
“That’s so cool, man.” Jim gave him a startled look, but he smiled anyway. It was amazing that he and Jim could be so in tune with each other. As he thought it through he realized it was a natural conclusion. His job was to guide Jim and it made sense that the Sentinel would have to protect that relationship. Know intuitively when the guide was in danger.
He thought back to that horrible day. When the surgeon had made the first slice in his skin and the pain that followed. But he remembered now, above the pain, before he slipped into the darkness of his mind he had heard his mom, but even more loudly he had heard Jim.
It was worth thinking about. But he filed it away for later, when he was feeling a little better and more clear-headed.
“You were there Jim.” He told his friend. “Right before I…well, before it got too bad you were with me and then after. When it was safe, but I couldn’t tell for sure, but it was your voice that guided me back.
Something shifted on Jim face and Blair couldn’t explain it. He didn’t know what had changed, but there was something about Jim’s eyes…somehow they seemed lighter and the lines on the man’s face seemed to fade and then Blair remembered he hadn’t been alone.
“Why don’t you get some rest? I know you’re feeling sucky, but if you get some rest I bet you’ll feel better.
Blair nodded, not surprised that Jim chose not to directly acknowledge Blair’s admission. Jim had his own language and Blair was left to decipher the meaning of things.
But that was okay. He was learning Jim’s language and Jim was learning his and it felt…nice.
“I am tired.” He said. “Do you think you could ask Fiona to bring in the sleeping pills?”
Jim smiled and stood. “I’ll ask her on my out, kay? You get a good night’s sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.”
Blair said goodnight, waiting for the nurse. He was afraid to sleep too deeply, but Jim was right. He was worn down and his body was feeling the effects.
And this was a first step to recovery.
He needed to trust that these people could help him. If he could face a simple sleeping pill he could believe that if the time came, he could face having the additional surgery too.
Earlier Dr. Ramanatha swore to him that now that they knew he had a problem with awareness, she would personally guarantee that he would be completely out or maybe even offer a local.
It went a little way in making him feel more secure, but it was a start and that was all he could ask of himself.
Fiona came in, a small smile on her face. She dimmed the rest of the lights and handed him a little cup with two pink pills and poured some water from the pitcher that rested on the tray table. “This will help you rest better, help you get to sleep, but they won’t keep you under. I know that’s a concern.”
He swallowed the pills, handing her back the cup. She sat it on the table along side the pitcher, within his reach. “I’ll be back in a few hours to check on you. Buzz me if you need me before then.
He said goodnight, already feeling the effects of the pills. His eyes drooped and he dropped off, sleeping deeply for the first time in almost two weeks.
When he did open his eyes, he was surprise to see the sun streaming in the blinds on the window. He had slept through the whole night.
*~*~*
Three days later Jim watched as a nurse snipped the threads that held the tubes in place on Blair’s belly, watched Blair’s face closely for any signs of pain. She pressed into Blair’s stomach around the drain and pulled it out quickly. Blair made a weird face, but didn’t say a word.
The process was repeated and then she was disposing of the tubing and washing her hands. “That should feel better.” She told them, using a paper towel before tossing it into the trash. “You’ll be more comfortable laying down now.”
Blair closed his eyes after she left. He looked a lot better today. His fever was gone and his face had the color back. He seemed on the mend.
Dr. Ramanatha was due to look Blair over and decide what the next step would be. Jim was hopeful.
“How about some broth?” Jim asked. He could hear Blair’s stomach rumbling and took it as a good sigh. It had been days since Blair had eaten, but he could have cold and hot liquids if he wanted.
“Nay, man…if she takes the tube out I want real food.”
Jim nodded, knowing that they both hoped that was the outcome.
They watched a little tv and Blair drifted to sleep. Talking outside the door roused him and they both smiled as Missy came in.
“Hey there.” She was pushing a portable sonogram machine, smiling at Jim and then giving her attention to Blair. “You ready to see what’s up?”
Blair nodded, rubbing at his eyes. “If it gets me outta here, I’m up for anything.”
The procedure only took minutes and Missy seemed happy at what she saw. “It looks like it is resolving on its own…that’s great news.”
Blair took a deep breath, squinting at the fuzzy screen.
Jim took a big breath of his own, not realizing he had been holding it until his lungs demanded some oxygen.
“Dr. Ramanatha will take a look at your scan, but I bet you’ll be outta here by the end of the week.
True to her words, the doctor came by after lunch. Jim stepped out while she examined Blair, going to call the station to let them know the newest developments.
He got Ronda. Simon was in a meeting and the guys were all out on calls, but he relayed the info anyway, trusting Ronda to pass the word.
When he returned Blair looked relaxed. “What the doc say?”
“They’re gonna take the NG tube out in a little while. Put me on a soft food diet for a few days and make sure the blockage has cleared.
Things were finally looking up.
*~*~*
Blair tensed up as Fiona pulled the tape off his face and around the tube in his nose. As happy as he was to get the damn thing out, he was worried that it was gonna make him puke.
She handed him a basin, just in case.
Jim stood by the bed once she was ready to pull it out, resting his hand close to Blair’s on the raise rail.
“Ready?”
He nodded, feeling the thing snake up and out of his stomach. He did gag a bit when it passed through his throat, but he managed to keep his stomach contents where they belonged.
A small shudder racked his frame at the memory of throwing up waste and bile. He could still taste it even though he had rinsed his mouth many times since that night almost a week ago.
“You did great, Blair.” She disposed of her gloves and the tubing. “I’ll be back after dinner. You know the drill.”
He nodded, knowing that they wouldn’t let him go home until he had a bowel movement.
Jim retook his seat and they sat watching some game show until his dinner tray came a little later. He had some soup with a few mushy vegetables and crackers along with coffee and some jello.
This was familiar at least.
Over the next few days he got a little stronger, able to get out of bed without taking a nose dive and go to the bathroom on his own. He even managed a few jaunts down the hall and back.
His food got a little more solid as the days passed and he was able to go to the bathroom twice the evening before they released him.
Dr. Ramanatha showed up bright and early the next morning.
“How are we today?” She asked, looking over his chart and making a few notations.
“Better,” he decided was the best way to answer. “I’m feeling much better.”
“That’s wonderful.” She pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and put them in her ears, listened to his chest, asking him to sit forward and then she laid him back and listened to his stomach. “I think we can take these out before you go.” She indicated his sutures and Blair nodded, happy that he could rid himself of one more nuisance.
He didn’t watch as she peeled back the surgical tape and used a pair of odd shaped scissors she pulled from a pocket in her lab coat. He could feel the fine threads as they were pulled from his body, but it didn’t hurt.
“I’d say that once Jim gets here, you can go home. I’ll have the nurse print up your release forms.”
Once she was done, he looked down at himself. A straight line of pink, raised flesh ran from just above his belly button to his public bone. On each side of the line his skin looked like he had pin holes, but that was where the sutures had been, holding his incision together.
“This looks great. The scar will fade over time, shrink.”
But he knew that it would never completely go away, a permanent reminder of all that he had gone through.
Before he could go too far down that road again, he pulled his thoughts forward and listened to what the doctor was saying.
“…so only lighter foods at first and then you can add some richer things as you start to feel better. Let your stomach tell you.”
Jim came into the room just as she was pulling down his gown, carrying an overnight bag that Blair knew held his street clothes.
“Feel free to get dressed.”
She smiled at Jim as she left and Blair filled his friend in on the details. It didn’t take him long to get dressed and when the nurse came in with his release forms he listened to the instructions, most of them the same as before and signed.
She brought a wheelchair and Blair got in, riding down the hall as Jim walked by him.
The truck was waiting at the curb and the sun was bright, even though the air was chilly.
On the trip home Jim stopped and got his prescriptions and some soft serve yogurt. His roommate had hardly said a word since arriving that morning.
“Is ah…Is everything okay, man?” Blair glance at Jim then turned back to watch the scenery flying by his window.
“Yeah, Chief. Everything is great.” Blair could tell Jim was studying him for a beat or two, but when he turned his head, the man had his eyes back on the road. “I’m just glad to have you back home.”
They pulled up to the parking lot and Blair noticed a few extra cars. “Umm…Jim?”
Jim got out and headed around the truck and opened Blair’s door, taking his arm as he slide down from the cab.
“I didn’t think you would be ready to go right away…” Jim explained. “You know how hospitals are?”
When the loft door was opened, Jim went in first, saying loudly, “He’s here.”
When Blair finally got a look at what was going on he stopped his forward motion and openly stared. His friends, all his friends were at the loft. The furniture was pushed back and large tarps covered the floor. His bookshelf and two others, two identical ones sat atop the tarps and people wearing gloves and using brushes were staining them to match.
Rafe and Henry worked on one, while Simon and Joel had the other. When he looked to Jim, he noticed for the first time some dark stains on Jim’s sleeve.
“Hey, hairboy…how ya doing, man?” Brown dropped the brush back in the bucket, pulling off his gloves, slapping Blair on the back a little too hard. “Sorry, sorry…”
Rafe joined them, laughing at his partner. “Good to see you up and around, Blair.”
Simon greeted him too, and then Joel hugged him. “Nice to have you home, kid.”
At first, he couldn’t fathom how they had all gotten off from work, but them he remembered it was Sunday.
When Joel let him go, he led him to the sofa that was now pushed against the outer wall of his bedroom. “Sit and take a load off. You rest while we finish this and get this mess cleaned up.”
He nodded, sinking back in to the cushions, taking the pillow Jim offered him and pressed it to his belly.
He watched as his friends, his family finished up, talking and laughing, getting more stain on the tarp then on the furniture.
Jim checked on him a few times, making sure he was comfortable, bringing him some tea and then a little later the soft serve yogurt in a small dish, dripping in hot fudge sauce and whipped cream. There was even a cherry on top.
He enjoyed his treat as they finished up, cleaning and putting away the brushes.
Rafe and Brown came by and sat with him for a bit, talking about the upcoming football game and their plans for the evening.
“Get well, Blair. We need you back at the station.” Rafe said as he stood to leave. Blair went to get up too, but Henry laid a hand on his arm. “Don’t get up for us, hairboy. We know the way out.” Henry patted his arm and then they called goodbye to the other men.
A little later Joel came over and sat by him. “Cillie made some beef barley soup and home made bread this morning. It’s in the fridge when you’re ready for it and she wants you and Jim to come by a little later when you feel up to it. She’s making her secret recipe fried chicken.”
“Yum, you can count on it, man.” Joel stood and said his goodbyes. “Take care if yourself, Blair. Call me if you need anything.”
Simon was the last to leave. “I got Jim covered at the station, so don’t worry, Sandburg.” He whispered but then looked right at Jim as he said it, knowing dang well that Jim could hear every word. “You just concentrate on getting better and getting your butt back to work.”
Blair laughed and waved as the man grabbed his coat from the rack. “Yes, Sir…I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Once they were all gone, Jim sunk to the sofa, holding his own frozen treat.
“That was a nice surprise.” Blair told him, grateful for the thoughtfulness of his friend. “But how am I gonna fit all three of them into my room?”
“Don’t have too,” Jim said. “I thought we would put them along the wall over there.”
Blair didn’t know what to say, the offer unexpected.
“How about some lunch?”
He wasn’t too hungry, but felt like he needed to do something. “I’m good, man, but can you…would you mind driving me somewhere?”
“Drive you. I don’t think you should over doing it on your first day home.”
“I won’t, man. I just need to do something.”
Jim looked skeptical, but he agreed. He took Blair’s arm and helped him up from the couch.
They drive wasn’t long, but the sky was a little overcast now and the wind had picked up. Jim stayed in the truck as Blair slipped from the cab and walked through the rows, searching for the one he wanted.
The cemetery was pretty empty and quiet. Blair stopped in front of the oval shaped headstone, his eyes scanning the dying flowers and little bobbles that rested against the base.
He didn’t know why his mind chose to conjure up Janet, but he knew that he was still feeling guilty for her death.
And she was sooo alive. She was a feisty and exciting lover, and a beautiful person, inside and out.
“Hey, Janny. I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile, but I wanted…I just wanted you to know that I still think about you. I haven’t forgotten you.”
The wind picked up, howling through the trees, blowing Blair’s hair around his head and face. Janet had always loved his hair, short or long, she would run her fingers through it, massage his scalp, and kiss the nape of his neck, like the wind was kissing it now.
“I miss you, Jan…I wish…I wish things were different… I wish I had gotten there a litter earlier. I may be able to stop…” The guilt he still felt brought tears to his eyes. “I just wanted to tell you that you helped me Jan…when I was dying, I know it was you.”
He was about to turn away, thinking that he should pay a visit to Roy’s grave too. It was on the other side of the city, but he could bring flowers, could make an effort…when Jim wrapped an arm around his back and he realized he was shivering.
“Ready to go, Chief?” Jim asked, guiding him away. He held an open cell phone in his hand and as Blair looked at it, he handed it to him. “You got a call.”
He was confused. Who would be calling him on Jim’s cell? He lifted the phone up and tentatively said, “Hello?”
Jim gave him a little squeeze as they parted ways to get in the truck.
“Mom? Hey…yeah, I’m doing fine.”
Jim rolled his eyes at that one, but kept quiet as they buckled in and Jim started the truck, put the into drive.
“I was just thinking about calling you…oh yeah? Hmm, that’s great. Yeah, I remember when…sure ma…okay, I love you too.” He hung up and handed the phone back to Jim.
After a few minutes, as they were pulling onto the beltway to get back home. Jim asked, “Are you okay, Chief?”
He nodded, not sure if he could talk. “Yeah…I’m good, man.” He looked toward his friend, the man that had saved him and smiled. “My mom found an old trunk cleaning out the attic and found a roll of undeveloped film. It was from the summer I spent with my grandparents…the year I broke my arm.” He saw Jim grip the steering wheel a little tighter and a warm feeling spread through his belly that had nothing to do with his surgery. “She said she over-nighted them. They should have gotten here yesterday.”
Jim took the next exit, stopping at the end of the ramp and turning toward home. “Can’t say I’ve checked the mail in a few days.”
When they pulled up Jim helped him out again and they stopped to get the mail. A thick brown envelope addressed to Blair in his mothers neat handwriting rested on top of the pile.
Once in the loft, Jim went to check the shelves, deeming them dry and moving them on his own over to the wall. He left Blair to his mail as he dragged boxes of books from Blair’s room and arranged some of his own.
Blair found a few get well cards scattered throughout the parcels, as well as an envelope from Mercy, but with shaking hands he opened the brown envelope.
He found within the man he loved so deeply and a woman that looked so much like Naomi. Over time it was hard to picture what his memaw and dedad had looked like…but he could see a little of himself in his grandfather.
Soon Jim wandered back over and sat on the other end of the couch. Blair knew he would want to put the living room back in order, but he didn’t want to stop looking at the photos and the people in them.
In one, he had his arm slung over the skinny shoulder of his new friend, standing in the yard in front of Ms. Danbush’s tree. In another he was seated at the cozy kitchen table, he and his grandmom holding up huge homemade cookies, milk mustaches on each of their faces. In another he was sitting on his grandfather’s lap, being tickled by the looks of it, the older man reclining in his easy chair.
He handed the pictures to Jim, each one in turn, not explaining who he was seeing, knowing that Jim could figure it out without Blair having to say a word.
And in that moment he realized, what had happened…It could have turned his whole life inside out. But he didn’t have to let it.
He had done some research, read about other people who had gone through the same thing he had and he didn’t want to end up like some of them, detached from the world and afraid to live.
“You know,” Jim said. “If we framed some of these, they would look great on the bookshelf.”
Blair nodded, fighting the lump that was forming in his throat. Jim had always, always known what Blair needed to hear.
He thought about his grandparents and then Roy and Janet. They were apart of him, even though they had gone on. They lived in him in his memories and had helped him through the worse days of his life.
But it was Jim who lived in the here and now, Jim that had talked him from the darkest recesses of his own mind.
“I’d like that. Thank you, man.”
As Jim started asking about lunch, Blair’s belly rumbled loud and long and they both laughed.
“Guess that answered that question.” Jim said, carefully putting the photos on the coffee table and going to the kitchen.
And Jim had spoken volumes in what he hadn’t said.
You’re not as alone. I’ll be here for you. I’m right here.
The End
Thank so much for reading and for nominating this story for the LMFA!
Author: Twilight
Summary: Blair has been putting something off for a long time and Jim's determined to find out why, but at what cost...
Feedback: Always welcome
Notes: This story has been suggested by my dear friend Romanse, yeah, she made me do it.
Also a huge thank you to everyone who nominated this story for an LMFA!!
*~*~*
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
Part Nine
Part Ten
Part Eleven
“Hey, man. How you holding up?” Henry sat across from Jim, tucking his coat over his arm. “What’s going on with hairboy?”
Rafe followed his partner into the waiting room and plunked down by Henry, waiting for Jim to reply.
Jim wiped his hand up and over his face, before dropping it back into his lap. “I ah…I talked with Blair’s surgeon. They’re gonna admit him in a few minutes and then we can go up. They think he might have a bowel obstruction.”
“But what does that mean?” Rafe wanted to know. “I mean, what can they do for him?”
Jim shifted forward; ready to explain what he’d been told when a man in scrubs came into the family waiting room. “Mr. Ellison?”
“Yes, here.” Jim stood, glancing back at his co workers with an apologetic nod.
“Were getting ready to put in the NG tube and I think Mr. Sandburg will be more relaxed if he had someone familiar with him.”
Jim followed the man back through a set of doors and then down a maze of hallways and gurneys. The ER was busy, many people bustled back and forth, moving from room to room and to the large desk that seemed to be the hub.
Blair was sitting up, rigid in the bed, both hands holding the medal rails on either side so tight that his knuckles were turning white. His face was pinched with pain, the fine lines around his mouth and eyes drawn and he looked flushed, sweaty.
“Hey, Pal. How you holding up?”
Blair’s eyes lifted to meet Jim’s, but he didn’t let go of the rails. The deep blue iris’ swam with unshed tears that Blair seemed to be trying to hold back. He looked miserable and Jim’s own anxiety ratcheted up a few notches.
He couldn’t fix this…Couldn’t protect Blair from the betrayal of his own body.
“I’ve been better, man.” The words were practically whispered, Blair’s voice was strained from being so violently sick. He held a plastic basin on his lap, but it seemed empty.
The doctor and a few other people moved around the room, pulling things from cabinets and opening packages and placing them on a table by Blair’s bed.
“What have they told you, Blair?” Jim asked. Dr. Ramanatha had stopped by and spoke with Jim after she saw Blair, but Jim wasn’t sure what Blair had been told.
He knew from his own experiences that not knowing what was happening could make things worse.
“They ah…”
Jim moved closer, resting his hand on one of Blair’s, hoping that he would release his death grip from the rail.
“They ah said that I’ll be moved to a room after they put the NG tube in and that ah…”
The hand under his relaxed a little and the fingers uncurled from the medal bar. Blair rested his hand on the sheets as Jim continued to run his fingers soothingly over the palm.
“I’ll have to stay for awile. They’re gonna try antibiotics first...”
Jim knew that there was a possibility that Blair might need additional surgery, but he didn’t want him to dwell on that. Blair’s other hand tightened around the rail, but the one under his stayed relaxed.
A nurse stepped up to the bed, some papers in her hand. Jim was glad for the distraction.
“I need you to sign for admission, Mr. Sandburg. The papers explain the procedures we might have to do and contain your authorization for both treatment and insurance payment.”
Blair scrawled his name on the bottom without even reading them. Jim supposed he had already been told his treatment options beyond admission.
“Ok,” the woman tucked the papers into a folder and turned to pull on some gloves. She reached into the opened package on the table and pulled out a long coiled tube. She held the end up to Blair’s nose and then ran some around to his ear. “This is just to measure how much tube we need.” She explained, still holding the tip to Blair’s nose in one hand the other hand held the section a few inches away by Blair’s left ear. She then tucked the tube behind the ear and ran the tube down to Blair’s stomach near his belly button. She noted the increment on the tube and then rubbed the tip through some jelly. “Okay. I’m going to thread the tube through your nostril and then down into your stomach.”
Jim could see and feel Blair’s body tense even as he nodded his head in understanding. He curled his fingers around the palm and held it gently, giving what little support he could.
She placed a cup with a straw in Blair’s other hand and Jim was glad to see it held something other than the side rail.
“Once the tube gets to the back of your throat I going to ask you to drink, swallowing the water will help the tube go down.”
Another person came to the bed, holding a bottle of something in her hand. “I need you to open your mouth while I spray in the numbing medicine.”
Blair obeyed; opening his mouth as the liquid was sprayed in, swallowing a few times.
“It’ll only take a few seconds to work.” The woman said, going back to whatever she was doing on the other side of the room.
“Okay, ready?”
Blair nodded his head, closing and opening his eyes a few times as the nurse moved in closer with the lubed tube.
“Relax and breathe normal.”
He nodded as the tip entered his nostril, gagging a little when it reached his throat.
“Okay, take a drink.”
Blair sipped from the straw, swallowing the water and the tube.
“Open our mouth and let me see.” The nurse told him as she continued to feed the tube down into Blair’s stomach. “Good, it’s not coiling. You can keep drinking.”
He took a few more sips from the straw, but put the cup in his lap after the nurse stepped back. She screwed a syringe to the end of the exposed tube, drawing back on it until a browning liquid came up the tube from Blair’s stomach. Satisfied with the placement, she connected the tube to a machine that would continue to draw the fluid from his stomach and used a little tape to hold it in place in his nose and another under his ear.
“All done.” She said, giving them both a small smile. “They’ll be coming soon to take you up to your room.”
Once she was done, Blair seemed to relax a little, resting against the pillows. Jim remembered he had left Rafe and Brown in the waiting room. “Um, Chief. Some of the guys are out there. Will you be ok for a few minutes while I go tell them what’s going on?”
“Sure, man.” Blair’s eyes were dropping, but he forced them open each time they started to close. “I’ll be fine.”
Jim patted his leg through the sheet, relieved to see both of Blair’s hands resting beside him. “I’ll be right back.”
The crowd had grown when he returned from the treatment room. Rafe and Brown sat drinking vending machine coffee while Simon chomped on his unlit cigar. Joel was standing by the window that overlooked the parking lot, talking on his cell phone.
Jim was surprised to see everyone, thinking that someone should be still working, but then he glanced at his watch. Their shift had been long over and it warmed the chill in his belly to see people that cared about Blair waiting to hear word of his condition.
“Jim?” Simon spotted him first, rising to meet him near the door to the waiting room. “How’s Sandburg?”
“He’s doing better. They’re taking him up to a room soon. You might get in to see him before visiting hours are over.”
He sat down in the chair near the window, across from Henry and Rafe and Simon followed him. Joel shut his cell phone, saying goodbye to his wife.
They all waited to hear the prognosis and it brought home again the fact that Jim wasn’t alone in his concern.
“They ah, they think it’s a partial blockage. Could be from the surgery. Sometimes fibrous fissures form and block the colon. They’ve started him on antibiotics and hopefully that will take care of it.”
They all seemed relieved, probably choosing to believe the best case scenario.
“I’m gonna go check on him. I’ll come get you when he’s settled in his room.” He stood to leave, not too surprised when Simon stood to follow.
Once they were out of the room and in the hall Simon said, “So what aren’t you saying?”
Jim slowed his step, turning to his captain and friend. “There’s a chance that they may have to operate again. If the meds don’t work they may have to go in and…” He didn’t want to say the words, didn’t want to take the chance that just speaking it could make it true. Blair had been through so much already. He shouldn’t have to be dealing with this possibility on the heels of the trauma he had just to endure.
“Listen, Jim. Don’t go getting all worked up over this. Blair’s gonna need you to be the level headed one if it looks like it’s gonna go that way.
Simon always did know how to state the obvious. He sighed, knowing that Simon was right…he had to hold it together.
“Besides, we don’t know what’s going to happen here. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
We will. Not Jim, not Blair, but we.
Sometime Jim forgot that Blair wasn’t the only one that understood his…problems. The others didn’t know about his abilities, but they did care for both of them. For Jim and Blair.
“You’re right. I need to keep it under control, ‘cause Blair…he’s hardly holding it together.”
Jim started to walk away again, but Simon grabbed his arm. “You ah…have you been feeling anything lately, you know…”
“Feeling?” He wasn’t being dense on purpose, but the look Simon gave him was priceless.
The cigar reappeared from his boss’ pocket and he shoved it in his mouth and clamped down on it. “You know…that sixth sense thing you two got going. You knew the first time around that something was hinky. You can use that to your advantage.”
Jim’s eyebrows rose as Simon snickered.
He hadn’t thought of that.
“Now go see how the kids doing. Tell him his friends are all waiting to see him.”
Jim nodded, turning on his heels and moving back through the ER doors. A nurse at the large desk stopped him mid way to the treatment room. “They just took Mr. Sandburg up to his room,” she told him, looking at a clipboard on the desk. “He’s on the fifth floor. Room 524.”
“Thanks,” he told her, turning to go back out the way he came.
“You can use the elevators at the end of the hall there.” She pointed in the opposite direction. He followed the hall and around the bend found a bank of elevators.
When he arrived on the fifth floor, he looked at the signs on the wall, finding Blair’s room to be to on the right.
The hallway was bright lit but many of the rooms he passed were darkened. He glanced at his watch again; surprise to see it was almost nine at night.
A nurse was stepping out of Blair’s room as he came to the door. “Oh, sorry. Are you Jim?”
He nodded, looking beyond her and into the dim room. He could clearly make out the man on the bed, resting on his side, faced away from the door.
“I’m Fiona. I’ll be with Mr. Sandburg the rest of the night. Go on in. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Jim stepped up to the bed, sinking into the chair as Blair rolled carefully to his back. “How ya doing, Chief?”
“Better.” He shifted again, sitting up a bit against the pillows.
“The guys are all waiting to see you if you’re feeling up to it.” Jim told him, leaning forward in his chair, fisting his hands in his lap. Seeing Blair like this again, it just brought back all those feelings of helplessness.
He itched just to do something.
“I don’t know, man. I’m sure I look like…”
“Don’t worry about that, buddy. They’re concern. They want to make sure you’re doing okay.”
Blair seemed to be considering his words and then nodded. “Yeah…okay.”
Jim stood, patting Blair’s shoulder. “I’ll go tell them you’re ready. They won’t stay long, buddy. You need your rest.”
Fiona passed Jim on her way back in. “I’m gonna let our coworkers know he’s settled in the room so they can visit.”
“Sure, that’s fine but only for a little while. I need to clean out his drains.”
Jim didn’t like the sounds of that, so he hurried his steps.
*~*~*
Blair felt like shit. The drugs or the tube in his stomach, he wasn’t sure which, but he felt like he was gonna hurl. Each time he took a breath he could feel the tickle at the back of his throat. And he was hot. The sheets that were cool now stuck to his heated skin.
They guys had just left. But Joel was lingering near the end of the bed, talking to Jim.
The nurse walked by from time to time, glancing in; probably ready to throw out his guests so she could get him settled for the night.
While they were all with him, he could almost pretend that he wasn’t lying in the bed, feeling worse by the minute. But once they were gone he started to fade fast. He must have zoned out because he was startled when Joel touched him on the shoulder.
“You’re in my prayers, Blair.” Joel squeezed his shoulder and then stepped away. “Me and the Misses will be by in a day or two to check on you. She’s wanting to feed you once you can eat again.”
Blair smiled, nodding his head. “Sounds good, man. You know I love her cooking.”
“I’ll remind her.” Joel said, moving to the door. “Sleep tight.”
Almost as soon as he stepped out, the nurse stepped in. “How are you feeling, Mr. Sandburg?” She was young, maybe younger than Blair, her dark hair pulled back into a pony tail at the base of her neck.
“Just Blair.” He told her, watching as she opened some packages. “I feel old when people call me mister.”
“Okay, Blair.” She pulled on some gloves and asked him if he wanted Jim to stay. “I’m just going to be scraping the tubes to open them up. That should get them draining again and you’ll feel better once they do.”
Jim waited by the end of the bed, where he was standing when Joel had been talking to him.
“He can stay if he wants.”
Jim nodded, sliding into the chair.
Blair shifted as she pulled the blanket and sheet back. “This won’t hurt.” He watched in a detached sorta way as she used a gauze and some sort of flat metal thing. Starting at the end closes to his skin, she held the tube so it wouldn’t pull and scraped with the medal thing downward, cleaning the clogged gunk and forcing it into the collection bag.
After a few passes on each tube the fluid was flowing again. He watched as she emptied the bag and then cleaned around the drains. “Your stitches look good. They should be coming out soon.”
He nodded, thinking he might still be in the hospital when it was time to have them removed and that was a depressing thought.
As soon as she was done, she cleaned up and got ready to leave. “The doctor said you can have something to help you sleep if you need it.”
He shook his head, “No…I don’t want anything.” Jim gave him a curious look, but he didn’t explain.
“Okay.” She moved around the bed, straightening his sheets and making sure he was comfortable and that the call button was clipped to the pillow within easy reach. “Just buzz me if you change your mind.”
“Thanks, Fiona. I will.”
He turned to Jim, thinking he should explain why he declined, but Jim nodded. “It’s okay. I think I understand. Ya know, a few times after you came around and you would just sorta drift, zone out. It scared the shit outta me. I thought you were…”
Blair was surprised. He hadn’t really thought about Jim in all this.
“Anyway, I knew you were still with me, it just worried me there for awhile.”
“You knew?” Blair took in the look that crossed Jim face, as if he had been caught doing something wrong.
His friend cleared his throat. “I ah…I got this sorta feeling that something was wrong. Knowing what I know now…I should have acted.”
“Wait…what do you mean a feeling?” He sat up a little more, shifting his body a bit more toward Jim.
Jim seemed to be thinking through what he wanted to say. “I ah…when you were in surgery I had this feeling…a strong feeling that something wasn’t right. I sent the aid back a few times to check, but when she reported back everything was fine and then when you were in recovery…I just knew you weren’t with me. I don’t know how…”
“That’s so cool, man.” Jim gave him a startled look, but he smiled anyway. It was amazing that he and Jim could be so in tune with each other. As he thought it through he realized it was a natural conclusion. His job was to guide Jim and it made sense that the Sentinel would have to protect that relationship. Know intuitively when the guide was in danger.
He thought back to that horrible day. When the surgeon had made the first slice in his skin and the pain that followed. But he remembered now, above the pain, before he slipped into the darkness of his mind he had heard his mom, but even more loudly he had heard Jim.
It was worth thinking about. But he filed it away for later, when he was feeling a little better and more clear-headed.
“You were there Jim.” He told his friend. “Right before I…well, before it got too bad you were with me and then after. When it was safe, but I couldn’t tell for sure, but it was your voice that guided me back.
Something shifted on Jim face and Blair couldn’t explain it. He didn’t know what had changed, but there was something about Jim’s eyes…somehow they seemed lighter and the lines on the man’s face seemed to fade and then Blair remembered he hadn’t been alone.
“Why don’t you get some rest? I know you’re feeling sucky, but if you get some rest I bet you’ll feel better.
Blair nodded, not surprised that Jim chose not to directly acknowledge Blair’s admission. Jim had his own language and Blair was left to decipher the meaning of things.
But that was okay. He was learning Jim’s language and Jim was learning his and it felt…nice.
“I am tired.” He said. “Do you think you could ask Fiona to bring in the sleeping pills?”
Jim smiled and stood. “I’ll ask her on my out, kay? You get a good night’s sleep and I’ll see you in the morning.”
Blair said goodnight, waiting for the nurse. He was afraid to sleep too deeply, but Jim was right. He was worn down and his body was feeling the effects.
And this was a first step to recovery.
He needed to trust that these people could help him. If he could face a simple sleeping pill he could believe that if the time came, he could face having the additional surgery too.
Earlier Dr. Ramanatha swore to him that now that they knew he had a problem with awareness, she would personally guarantee that he would be completely out or maybe even offer a local.
It went a little way in making him feel more secure, but it was a start and that was all he could ask of himself.
Fiona came in, a small smile on her face. She dimmed the rest of the lights and handed him a little cup with two pink pills and poured some water from the pitcher that rested on the tray table. “This will help you rest better, help you get to sleep, but they won’t keep you under. I know that’s a concern.”
He swallowed the pills, handing her back the cup. She sat it on the table along side the pitcher, within his reach. “I’ll be back in a few hours to check on you. Buzz me if you need me before then.
He said goodnight, already feeling the effects of the pills. His eyes drooped and he dropped off, sleeping deeply for the first time in almost two weeks.
When he did open his eyes, he was surprise to see the sun streaming in the blinds on the window. He had slept through the whole night.
*~*~*
Three days later Jim watched as a nurse snipped the threads that held the tubes in place on Blair’s belly, watched Blair’s face closely for any signs of pain. She pressed into Blair’s stomach around the drain and pulled it out quickly. Blair made a weird face, but didn’t say a word.
The process was repeated and then she was disposing of the tubing and washing her hands. “That should feel better.” She told them, using a paper towel before tossing it into the trash. “You’ll be more comfortable laying down now.”
Blair closed his eyes after she left. He looked a lot better today. His fever was gone and his face had the color back. He seemed on the mend.
Dr. Ramanatha was due to look Blair over and decide what the next step would be. Jim was hopeful.
“How about some broth?” Jim asked. He could hear Blair’s stomach rumbling and took it as a good sigh. It had been days since Blair had eaten, but he could have cold and hot liquids if he wanted.
“Nay, man…if she takes the tube out I want real food.”
Jim nodded, knowing that they both hoped that was the outcome.
They watched a little tv and Blair drifted to sleep. Talking outside the door roused him and they both smiled as Missy came in.
“Hey there.” She was pushing a portable sonogram machine, smiling at Jim and then giving her attention to Blair. “You ready to see what’s up?”
Blair nodded, rubbing at his eyes. “If it gets me outta here, I’m up for anything.”
The procedure only took minutes and Missy seemed happy at what she saw. “It looks like it is resolving on its own…that’s great news.”
Blair took a deep breath, squinting at the fuzzy screen.
Jim took a big breath of his own, not realizing he had been holding it until his lungs demanded some oxygen.
“Dr. Ramanatha will take a look at your scan, but I bet you’ll be outta here by the end of the week.
True to her words, the doctor came by after lunch. Jim stepped out while she examined Blair, going to call the station to let them know the newest developments.
He got Ronda. Simon was in a meeting and the guys were all out on calls, but he relayed the info anyway, trusting Ronda to pass the word.
When he returned Blair looked relaxed. “What the doc say?”
“They’re gonna take the NG tube out in a little while. Put me on a soft food diet for a few days and make sure the blockage has cleared.
Things were finally looking up.
*~*~*
Blair tensed up as Fiona pulled the tape off his face and around the tube in his nose. As happy as he was to get the damn thing out, he was worried that it was gonna make him puke.
She handed him a basin, just in case.
Jim stood by the bed once she was ready to pull it out, resting his hand close to Blair’s on the raise rail.
“Ready?”
He nodded, feeling the thing snake up and out of his stomach. He did gag a bit when it passed through his throat, but he managed to keep his stomach contents where they belonged.
A small shudder racked his frame at the memory of throwing up waste and bile. He could still taste it even though he had rinsed his mouth many times since that night almost a week ago.
“You did great, Blair.” She disposed of her gloves and the tubing. “I’ll be back after dinner. You know the drill.”
He nodded, knowing that they wouldn’t let him go home until he had a bowel movement.
Jim retook his seat and they sat watching some game show until his dinner tray came a little later. He had some soup with a few mushy vegetables and crackers along with coffee and some jello.
This was familiar at least.
Over the next few days he got a little stronger, able to get out of bed without taking a nose dive and go to the bathroom on his own. He even managed a few jaunts down the hall and back.
His food got a little more solid as the days passed and he was able to go to the bathroom twice the evening before they released him.
Dr. Ramanatha showed up bright and early the next morning.
“How are we today?” She asked, looking over his chart and making a few notations.
“Better,” he decided was the best way to answer. “I’m feeling much better.”
“That’s wonderful.” She pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and put them in her ears, listened to his chest, asking him to sit forward and then she laid him back and listened to his stomach. “I think we can take these out before you go.” She indicated his sutures and Blair nodded, happy that he could rid himself of one more nuisance.
He didn’t watch as she peeled back the surgical tape and used a pair of odd shaped scissors she pulled from a pocket in her lab coat. He could feel the fine threads as they were pulled from his body, but it didn’t hurt.
“I’d say that once Jim gets here, you can go home. I’ll have the nurse print up your release forms.”
Once she was done, he looked down at himself. A straight line of pink, raised flesh ran from just above his belly button to his public bone. On each side of the line his skin looked like he had pin holes, but that was where the sutures had been, holding his incision together.
“This looks great. The scar will fade over time, shrink.”
But he knew that it would never completely go away, a permanent reminder of all that he had gone through.
Before he could go too far down that road again, he pulled his thoughts forward and listened to what the doctor was saying.
“…so only lighter foods at first and then you can add some richer things as you start to feel better. Let your stomach tell you.”
Jim came into the room just as she was pulling down his gown, carrying an overnight bag that Blair knew held his street clothes.
“Feel free to get dressed.”
She smiled at Jim as she left and Blair filled his friend in on the details. It didn’t take him long to get dressed and when the nurse came in with his release forms he listened to the instructions, most of them the same as before and signed.
She brought a wheelchair and Blair got in, riding down the hall as Jim walked by him.
The truck was waiting at the curb and the sun was bright, even though the air was chilly.
On the trip home Jim stopped and got his prescriptions and some soft serve yogurt. His roommate had hardly said a word since arriving that morning.
“Is ah…Is everything okay, man?” Blair glance at Jim then turned back to watch the scenery flying by his window.
“Yeah, Chief. Everything is great.” Blair could tell Jim was studying him for a beat or two, but when he turned his head, the man had his eyes back on the road. “I’m just glad to have you back home.”
They pulled up to the parking lot and Blair noticed a few extra cars. “Umm…Jim?”
Jim got out and headed around the truck and opened Blair’s door, taking his arm as he slide down from the cab.
“I didn’t think you would be ready to go right away…” Jim explained. “You know how hospitals are?”
When the loft door was opened, Jim went in first, saying loudly, “He’s here.”
When Blair finally got a look at what was going on he stopped his forward motion and openly stared. His friends, all his friends were at the loft. The furniture was pushed back and large tarps covered the floor. His bookshelf and two others, two identical ones sat atop the tarps and people wearing gloves and using brushes were staining them to match.
Rafe and Henry worked on one, while Simon and Joel had the other. When he looked to Jim, he noticed for the first time some dark stains on Jim’s sleeve.
“Hey, hairboy…how ya doing, man?” Brown dropped the brush back in the bucket, pulling off his gloves, slapping Blair on the back a little too hard. “Sorry, sorry…”
Rafe joined them, laughing at his partner. “Good to see you up and around, Blair.”
Simon greeted him too, and then Joel hugged him. “Nice to have you home, kid.”
At first, he couldn’t fathom how they had all gotten off from work, but them he remembered it was Sunday.
When Joel let him go, he led him to the sofa that was now pushed against the outer wall of his bedroom. “Sit and take a load off. You rest while we finish this and get this mess cleaned up.”
He nodded, sinking back in to the cushions, taking the pillow Jim offered him and pressed it to his belly.
He watched as his friends, his family finished up, talking and laughing, getting more stain on the tarp then on the furniture.
Jim checked on him a few times, making sure he was comfortable, bringing him some tea and then a little later the soft serve yogurt in a small dish, dripping in hot fudge sauce and whipped cream. There was even a cherry on top.
He enjoyed his treat as they finished up, cleaning and putting away the brushes.
Rafe and Brown came by and sat with him for a bit, talking about the upcoming football game and their plans for the evening.
“Get well, Blair. We need you back at the station.” Rafe said as he stood to leave. Blair went to get up too, but Henry laid a hand on his arm. “Don’t get up for us, hairboy. We know the way out.” Henry patted his arm and then they called goodbye to the other men.
A little later Joel came over and sat by him. “Cillie made some beef barley soup and home made bread this morning. It’s in the fridge when you’re ready for it and she wants you and Jim to come by a little later when you feel up to it. She’s making her secret recipe fried chicken.”
“Yum, you can count on it, man.” Joel stood and said his goodbyes. “Take care if yourself, Blair. Call me if you need anything.”
Simon was the last to leave. “I got Jim covered at the station, so don’t worry, Sandburg.” He whispered but then looked right at Jim as he said it, knowing dang well that Jim could hear every word. “You just concentrate on getting better and getting your butt back to work.”
Blair laughed and waved as the man grabbed his coat from the rack. “Yes, Sir…I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Once they were all gone, Jim sunk to the sofa, holding his own frozen treat.
“That was a nice surprise.” Blair told him, grateful for the thoughtfulness of his friend. “But how am I gonna fit all three of them into my room?”
“Don’t have too,” Jim said. “I thought we would put them along the wall over there.”
Blair didn’t know what to say, the offer unexpected.
“How about some lunch?”
He wasn’t too hungry, but felt like he needed to do something. “I’m good, man, but can you…would you mind driving me somewhere?”
“Drive you. I don’t think you should over doing it on your first day home.”
“I won’t, man. I just need to do something.”
Jim looked skeptical, but he agreed. He took Blair’s arm and helped him up from the couch.
They drive wasn’t long, but the sky was a little overcast now and the wind had picked up. Jim stayed in the truck as Blair slipped from the cab and walked through the rows, searching for the one he wanted.
The cemetery was pretty empty and quiet. Blair stopped in front of the oval shaped headstone, his eyes scanning the dying flowers and little bobbles that rested against the base.
He didn’t know why his mind chose to conjure up Janet, but he knew that he was still feeling guilty for her death.
And she was sooo alive. She was a feisty and exciting lover, and a beautiful person, inside and out.
“Hey, Janny. I’m sorry I haven’t been here in awhile, but I wanted…I just wanted you to know that I still think about you. I haven’t forgotten you.”
The wind picked up, howling through the trees, blowing Blair’s hair around his head and face. Janet had always loved his hair, short or long, she would run her fingers through it, massage his scalp, and kiss the nape of his neck, like the wind was kissing it now.
“I miss you, Jan…I wish…I wish things were different… I wish I had gotten there a litter earlier. I may be able to stop…” The guilt he still felt brought tears to his eyes. “I just wanted to tell you that you helped me Jan…when I was dying, I know it was you.”
He was about to turn away, thinking that he should pay a visit to Roy’s grave too. It was on the other side of the city, but he could bring flowers, could make an effort…when Jim wrapped an arm around his back and he realized he was shivering.
“Ready to go, Chief?” Jim asked, guiding him away. He held an open cell phone in his hand and as Blair looked at it, he handed it to him. “You got a call.”
He was confused. Who would be calling him on Jim’s cell? He lifted the phone up and tentatively said, “Hello?”
Jim gave him a little squeeze as they parted ways to get in the truck.
“Mom? Hey…yeah, I’m doing fine.”
Jim rolled his eyes at that one, but kept quiet as they buckled in and Jim started the truck, put the into drive.
“I was just thinking about calling you…oh yeah? Hmm, that’s great. Yeah, I remember when…sure ma…okay, I love you too.” He hung up and handed the phone back to Jim.
After a few minutes, as they were pulling onto the beltway to get back home. Jim asked, “Are you okay, Chief?”
He nodded, not sure if he could talk. “Yeah…I’m good, man.” He looked toward his friend, the man that had saved him and smiled. “My mom found an old trunk cleaning out the attic and found a roll of undeveloped film. It was from the summer I spent with my grandparents…the year I broke my arm.” He saw Jim grip the steering wheel a little tighter and a warm feeling spread through his belly that had nothing to do with his surgery. “She said she over-nighted them. They should have gotten here yesterday.”
Jim took the next exit, stopping at the end of the ramp and turning toward home. “Can’t say I’ve checked the mail in a few days.”
When they pulled up Jim helped him out again and they stopped to get the mail. A thick brown envelope addressed to Blair in his mothers neat handwriting rested on top of the pile.
Once in the loft, Jim went to check the shelves, deeming them dry and moving them on his own over to the wall. He left Blair to his mail as he dragged boxes of books from Blair’s room and arranged some of his own.
Blair found a few get well cards scattered throughout the parcels, as well as an envelope from Mercy, but with shaking hands he opened the brown envelope.
He found within the man he loved so deeply and a woman that looked so much like Naomi. Over time it was hard to picture what his memaw and dedad had looked like…but he could see a little of himself in his grandfather.
Soon Jim wandered back over and sat on the other end of the couch. Blair knew he would want to put the living room back in order, but he didn’t want to stop looking at the photos and the people in them.
In one, he had his arm slung over the skinny shoulder of his new friend, standing in the yard in front of Ms. Danbush’s tree. In another he was seated at the cozy kitchen table, he and his grandmom holding up huge homemade cookies, milk mustaches on each of their faces. In another he was sitting on his grandfather’s lap, being tickled by the looks of it, the older man reclining in his easy chair.
He handed the pictures to Jim, each one in turn, not explaining who he was seeing, knowing that Jim could figure it out without Blair having to say a word.
And in that moment he realized, what had happened…It could have turned his whole life inside out. But he didn’t have to let it.
He had done some research, read about other people who had gone through the same thing he had and he didn’t want to end up like some of them, detached from the world and afraid to live.
“You know,” Jim said. “If we framed some of these, they would look great on the bookshelf.”
Blair nodded, fighting the lump that was forming in his throat. Jim had always, always known what Blair needed to hear.
He thought about his grandparents and then Roy and Janet. They were apart of him, even though they had gone on. They lived in him in his memories and had helped him through the worse days of his life.
But it was Jim who lived in the here and now, Jim that had talked him from the darkest recesses of his own mind.
“I’d like that. Thank you, man.”
As Jim started asking about lunch, Blair’s belly rumbled loud and long and they both laughed.
“Guess that answered that question.” Jim said, carefully putting the photos on the coffee table and going to the kitchen.
And Jim had spoken volumes in what he hadn’t said.
You’re not as alone. I’ll be here for you. I’m right here.
The End
Thank so much for reading and for nominating this story for the LMFA!