the many faces of death
“If you choose this lifestyle, you will find heartbreak and destruction at every turn” - so said my mother as she tried to steer me away from the darkness that I was always drawn to, even when I was a dumb and rebellious14 year old. Nothing has frustrated me more in my life than the times when I have had to give her the satisfaction of being right.
Unfortunately, that has happened more often than not, especially in the last few years. As I grew up (read: got older) I have lost more than my fair share of peers, relatives and friends for various reasons. Most come with the shock of suddenness - lives that have ended in a blink of an eye, through accident or violence. Some have been part of the normal cycle of the earth - the older succumbing to natural causes or heart failure, leaving behind the families and children. Then there are the ones in my life that chose death and committed suicide.
These have always been the roughest for me. The idea that your life is so horrible that you simply cannot go on has never truly occurred to me, mostly because there is nothing in life that remains stagnant for long. Life changes, by its very nature. People come and go, thought processes change, relationships begin and end every second of every day. To believe that none of these things will affect you and that these interactions and lessons do not matter is a viewpoint I used to find so narcissistic that it was beyond my comprehension.
That said, I have also never been unable to deal with my own thought processes or depression. I do not know what it is like to find life so overwhelming that everything truly ceases to matter. I have been lucky enough that when my thoughts and actions have gone spiraling into serious self destruction, my self-preservation and survival instincts have almost always kicked in. When I sat at the bottom and they didn’t, the idea of what total destruction would do to my friends, family and lovers were enough to make me reach for the sun again. I know that I am blessed by that.
Because I do not know and cannot comprehend feeling differently, my view has had to change when it comes to suicide. It has taken me many years to find empathy, rather than the anger and the helplessness that suicide has always left me feeling before. It is much harder for me to reach for understanding and peace than it is to rail against things I don’t believe in, to judge or blame and it is something I struggle with every day. It terrifies me to accept suicide as a solution for other people, especially since my closest friends are or have been struggling their whole lives to fit into a world that doesn’t make sense to them. I used to think that I raged against it even more because I didn’t want to lose them - but now I can admit something that is immensely more selfish and painful. It is more that I don’t want to survive them. I don’t want to feel that I should have or could have saved them, regardless of the truth of that question. I do not want to regret any part of my relationships with them or carry on with the survivor’s guilt that is inevitable whether deserved or not. The bottom line is that I would not want to bear it.
When I admitted to that selfish part of me, I had to reconsider my feelings on suicide. I had to realize that it is not my place as a friend, lover or human to force someone to live when they don’t want to. I had to come to a place that could accept someone’s choice to pick up a gun, jump off a bridge, take a bunch of pills or otherwise destroy their body. I could hope that they would change their decision before it was too late, intervene in any way that I could that was helpful, remind them of how important they were to me - but in the end I have to respect and live with their choices, whether they do or not. You cannot honor a person’s life without accepting their death.
So here I am today, remembering my mother’s words again and hating that she was right. My lifestyle is one that flirts with death in many ways, sometimes too successfully. I am attracted to people, places and things that are tragic or dangerous. We live through the shadows or we don’t but we never apologize for our demons or choices. They are what make us.
Stephan knew that to his core. After many years of unhappily battling his demons, he decided the struggle was over. He made his choice and there was nothing that anyone else could do about it. We can cry about it and we can grieve however we need to - but he was very conscious in his actions and truly all right with them.It is devastating for those left to live without him, but today I know to my core that he is finally ok, untroubled and at peace.
The trick now is to make sure that we are too....and that is much, much harder to do.
Godspeed, Stephan
Unfortunately, that has happened more often than not, especially in the last few years. As I grew up (read: got older) I have lost more than my fair share of peers, relatives and friends for various reasons. Most come with the shock of suddenness - lives that have ended in a blink of an eye, through accident or violence. Some have been part of the normal cycle of the earth - the older succumbing to natural causes or heart failure, leaving behind the families and children. Then there are the ones in my life that chose death and committed suicide.
These have always been the roughest for me. The idea that your life is so horrible that you simply cannot go on has never truly occurred to me, mostly because there is nothing in life that remains stagnant for long. Life changes, by its very nature. People come and go, thought processes change, relationships begin and end every second of every day. To believe that none of these things will affect you and that these interactions and lessons do not matter is a viewpoint I used to find so narcissistic that it was beyond my comprehension.
That said, I have also never been unable to deal with my own thought processes or depression. I do not know what it is like to find life so overwhelming that everything truly ceases to matter. I have been lucky enough that when my thoughts and actions have gone spiraling into serious self destruction, my self-preservation and survival instincts have almost always kicked in. When I sat at the bottom and they didn’t, the idea of what total destruction would do to my friends, family and lovers were enough to make me reach for the sun again. I know that I am blessed by that.
Because I do not know and cannot comprehend feeling differently, my view has had to change when it comes to suicide. It has taken me many years to find empathy, rather than the anger and the helplessness that suicide has always left me feeling before. It is much harder for me to reach for understanding and peace than it is to rail against things I don’t believe in, to judge or blame and it is something I struggle with every day. It terrifies me to accept suicide as a solution for other people, especially since my closest friends are or have been struggling their whole lives to fit into a world that doesn’t make sense to them. I used to think that I raged against it even more because I didn’t want to lose them - but now I can admit something that is immensely more selfish and painful. It is more that I don’t want to survive them. I don’t want to feel that I should have or could have saved them, regardless of the truth of that question. I do not want to regret any part of my relationships with them or carry on with the survivor’s guilt that is inevitable whether deserved or not. The bottom line is that I would not want to bear it.
When I admitted to that selfish part of me, I had to reconsider my feelings on suicide. I had to realize that it is not my place as a friend, lover or human to force someone to live when they don’t want to. I had to come to a place that could accept someone’s choice to pick up a gun, jump off a bridge, take a bunch of pills or otherwise destroy their body. I could hope that they would change their decision before it was too late, intervene in any way that I could that was helpful, remind them of how important they were to me - but in the end I have to respect and live with their choices, whether they do or not. You cannot honor a person’s life without accepting their death.
So here I am today, remembering my mother’s words again and hating that she was right. My lifestyle is one that flirts with death in many ways, sometimes too successfully. I am attracted to people, places and things that are tragic or dangerous. We live through the shadows or we don’t but we never apologize for our demons or choices. They are what make us.
Stephan knew that to his core. After many years of unhappily battling his demons, he decided the struggle was over. He made his choice and there was nothing that anyone else could do about it. We can cry about it and we can grieve however we need to - but he was very conscious in his actions and truly all right with them.It is devastating for those left to live without him, but today I know to my core that he is finally ok, untroubled and at peace.
The trick now is to make sure that we are too....and that is much, much harder to do.
Godspeed, Stephan