VH1 in your LJ - A to Z
A to Z: Karl
A is for Aryan. Karl stands proudly by his German, Third Reich-era roots mainly through his incredibly distinctive Aryan features. He has blond hair, blue eyes, and plans of genocide and world domination. Oh yeah. AWKWARD! And you thought I wouldn’t be able to fit that in.
B is for black. Karl’s not black, but if he were, I think he’d wear glasses.
C is for cars. Like Kory, Karl knows too much about cars. At least it pays off in conversations with Jay Leno.
D is for dumb. Karl got a 2 on the AP Calculus test. R is for Retard was already taken. Hahahaha.
E is for Eeyore. You know, from Winnie the Pooh. According to numerous sources, but namely Ben, Karl acts like the shy, lethargic donkey.
F is for fire. Karl didn’t start the fire. It was already burning. No, I’m not talking about the 70s song. Karl was a suspect in the arson case dealing with Alyssa’s house.
G is for golf. A lot of his fans don't know this, but he was on the golf team in high school. Also, he recounts chipping action figures as a child. Fun fact: he played through the Conch course at Mt. Atlanticus: Minotaur Goff and finished second to Kory, a non-golfer. Ouch.
H is for heaven. According to God, Karl’s a little above par (Haha, golf joke) on his mortal sins and will not be getting into heaven any time soon (Haha, Catholic joke).
I is for Islam. Karl was raised Catholic, but will soon convert to Islam. His secret idol is Malcolm X.
J is for Jordan. Karl was the first in our group to jump on the Jordan bandwagon. What a trendsetter.
K is for Ku Klux… Just kidding, it’s for khakis. Karl wears a lot of khakis… because he’s a golfer. Oh shut up. That’s better than K is for Karl because that’s his name. I don’t have to fucking impress you.
L is for lazy. Karl once wrote a parody to “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith about his laziness. He titled his piece “I Don’t Want To Do Anything.”
M is for Mennonite. Sara willing, Karl will someday convert to the Mennonite form of Christianity, after the dabbling in Islam.
N is for Napoleon Dynamite. Karl didn’t see it with us tonight. What an effing loser. Boy, did he miss out. It was hysterical.
O is for Office Space dad. Karl’s dad is a spitting image of Milton, the “you have my stapler” guy, from Office Space.
P is for putter. Karl handles his putter about once a day. I’ve only seen glimpses of it, but from what I’ve heard, it’s bigger than Mike’s.
Q is for queer. What other ‘q’ words can you think of? Take it as weird or take it as homosexual. This one’s up in the air.
R is for Rage. Karl’s a big Rage fan. One time, a guy cut him off and he chased him down and knifed him. Now that’s some serious Rage. Also, in a far more radical example, Karl has been known to listen to Rage Against The Machine.
S is for the same. Karl and I went to the same high school. We’re going to the same college. We even have the same social security number. We’re so much alike.
T is for taint. Karl laughs when he hears the word “taint.” Yes, Karl, laugh. Taint.
U is for uvula. Karl’s uvula is shaped like the Mother Mary. Every night Karl drops his jaw and his family hails the posterior region of his mouth.
V is for Vagina. Karl’s parents were on the fence between naming him Vagina and Karl, but they went with Karl because it’s more German.
W is for Willem Defoe. Karl has a big crush on him. He also loves his work, especially as the gay detective in Boondock Saints.
X is for X-Men. If Karl were an X-Man, his super power would be to have the power to creep people out by giving them sideways glances. This power is known as creeping. Professor Sara Mattingly was the first to help Karl control and develop this power.
Y is for Yolanda. Man, it would be easy to make fun of Karl if his name was Yolanda. Might as well be, though. Whatever that means. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Karl.
Z is for Zippidy-Doo-Dah. Karl loved that song as a child. His mom burned his cassette tape of it, took him out of dance classes, and made him eat raw eggs every day until he started thinking like the other boys.
Gay jokes: 3
Catholic jokes: 3
General Karl knocks: 17
Sara references: 2
Just like any celebrity roast or what not. No offense. All of this was done in good fun and turned out surprisingly less offensive than I intended.
You know I love you, Karl.
A is for Aryan. Karl stands proudly by his German, Third Reich-era roots mainly through his incredibly distinctive Aryan features. He has blond hair, blue eyes, and plans of genocide and world domination. Oh yeah. AWKWARD! And you thought I wouldn’t be able to fit that in.
B is for black. Karl’s not black, but if he were, I think he’d wear glasses.
C is for cars. Like Kory, Karl knows too much about cars. At least it pays off in conversations with Jay Leno.
D is for dumb. Karl got a 2 on the AP Calculus test. R is for Retard was already taken. Hahahaha.
E is for Eeyore. You know, from Winnie the Pooh. According to numerous sources, but namely Ben, Karl acts like the shy, lethargic donkey.
F is for fire. Karl didn’t start the fire. It was already burning. No, I’m not talking about the 70s song. Karl was a suspect in the arson case dealing with Alyssa’s house.
G is for golf. A lot of his fans don't know this, but he was on the golf team in high school. Also, he recounts chipping action figures as a child. Fun fact: he played through the Conch course at Mt. Atlanticus: Minotaur Goff and finished second to Kory, a non-golfer. Ouch.
H is for heaven. According to God, Karl’s a little above par (Haha, golf joke) on his mortal sins and will not be getting into heaven any time soon (Haha, Catholic joke).
I is for Islam. Karl was raised Catholic, but will soon convert to Islam. His secret idol is Malcolm X.
J is for Jordan. Karl was the first in our group to jump on the Jordan bandwagon. What a trendsetter.
K is for Ku Klux… Just kidding, it’s for khakis. Karl wears a lot of khakis… because he’s a golfer. Oh shut up. That’s better than K is for Karl because that’s his name. I don’t have to fucking impress you.
L is for lazy. Karl once wrote a parody to “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith about his laziness. He titled his piece “I Don’t Want To Do Anything.”
M is for Mennonite. Sara willing, Karl will someday convert to the Mennonite form of Christianity, after the dabbling in Islam.
N is for Napoleon Dynamite. Karl didn’t see it with us tonight. What an effing loser. Boy, did he miss out. It was hysterical.
O is for Office Space dad. Karl’s dad is a spitting image of Milton, the “you have my stapler” guy, from Office Space.
P is for putter. Karl handles his putter about once a day. I’ve only seen glimpses of it, but from what I’ve heard, it’s bigger than Mike’s.
Q is for queer. What other ‘q’ words can you think of? Take it as weird or take it as homosexual. This one’s up in the air.
R is for Rage. Karl’s a big Rage fan. One time, a guy cut him off and he chased him down and knifed him. Now that’s some serious Rage. Also, in a far more radical example, Karl has been known to listen to Rage Against The Machine.
S is for the same. Karl and I went to the same high school. We’re going to the same college. We even have the same social security number. We’re so much alike.
T is for taint. Karl laughs when he hears the word “taint.” Yes, Karl, laugh. Taint.
U is for uvula. Karl’s uvula is shaped like the Mother Mary. Every night Karl drops his jaw and his family hails the posterior region of his mouth.
V is for Vagina. Karl’s parents were on the fence between naming him Vagina and Karl, but they went with Karl because it’s more German.
W is for Willem Defoe. Karl has a big crush on him. He also loves his work, especially as the gay detective in Boondock Saints.
X is for X-Men. If Karl were an X-Man, his super power would be to have the power to creep people out by giving them sideways glances. This power is known as creeping. Professor Sara Mattingly was the first to help Karl control and develop this power.
Y is for Yolanda. Man, it would be easy to make fun of Karl if his name was Yolanda. Might as well be, though. Whatever that means. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Karl.
Z is for Zippidy-Doo-Dah. Karl loved that song as a child. His mom burned his cassette tape of it, took him out of dance classes, and made him eat raw eggs every day until he started thinking like the other boys.
Gay jokes: 3
Catholic jokes: 3
General Karl knocks: 17
Sara references: 2
Just like any celebrity roast or what not. No offense. All of this was done in good fun and turned out surprisingly less offensive than I intended.
You know I love you, Karl.