Confessing
I'm in between services for Yom Kippur today. There is nothing in the liturgy that says that one should feel guilty, however, we do repeatedly, both to ourselves and aloud, admit fault, accept that we are not only infallible but that we have done wrong and will continue to do so. In fact, the famous prayer that opens the evening service at the start of Yom Kippur _anticipates_ that, despite our best intentions, we will have short-comings and fail to live up to our promises in the coming year. With respect to admitting our wrong-doings, I've been thinking about this today.
Apologies. What's the hardest part about it? Admitting it to ourselves? Going before others and telling them we are sorry? I think it's usually the latter. But I've been reflecting today on several instances where I am sorry for things I've done. I've already apologized, told the people I hurt that I did wrong, that I know I was wrong, and that I am truly sorry for what I did. But when I think back about it, even though I've apologized, I still am uncomfortable facing it, admitting it to myself. And then I tried to picture writing out for myself some of these wrongs. When I thought about it, an idea crossed my mind... I can see myself sitting down with a friend, a confidant, and telling them what I did, and I feel like that would be a relief. When I picture myself writing down for _me_ what I did, I bristle; I am averse to facing it myself. Why is this? Why is it that I would rather confide in somebody else then simply admit to myself what I did? The apology is done, and for that matter, forgiveness has already been granted. And yet, I can't help but fear the experience of seeing my own confession.
Apologies. What's the hardest part about it? Admitting it to ourselves? Going before others and telling them we are sorry? I think it's usually the latter. But I've been reflecting today on several instances where I am sorry for things I've done. I've already apologized, told the people I hurt that I did wrong, that I know I was wrong, and that I am truly sorry for what I did. But when I think back about it, even though I've apologized, I still am uncomfortable facing it, admitting it to myself. And then I tried to picture writing out for myself some of these wrongs. When I thought about it, an idea crossed my mind... I can see myself sitting down with a friend, a confidant, and telling them what I did, and I feel like that would be a relief. When I picture myself writing down for _me_ what I did, I bristle; I am averse to facing it myself. Why is this? Why is it that I would rather confide in somebody else then simply admit to myself what I did? The apology is done, and for that matter, forgiveness has already been granted. And yet, I can't help but fear the experience of seeing my own confession.