The rain beat down around her, blood streamed down her arms and face as she sank to her knees. Wynn glared at her opponent through the haze of blood; grimacing as he smiled and began to advance
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So it took me awhile...you'll live.peter_gibbonsDecember 18 2007, 02:18:55 UTC
I get what you were doing, and yes, I could follow it fine. The one part that threw me for a moment was the paragraph from the viewpoint of the woman Wynn was guarding (the paragraph starting with "She had watched Wynn go down...") I think the best thing to do, to signify a significant shift in the action, would be to press the Enter key an extra time to leave more space. The other changes in perspective seemed natural, but there was a quite a jump into that paragraph. The extra space could make that more clear. Or, as I've sometimes seen, some symbol in the middle of the page before the next section. You know, like a fleur de lis or something. The one criticism I would like to offer is that you actually make yourself too clear near the end. I was really, truly enjoying the passage, especially where Wynn digs to her inner being to find the creature. But you spell it all out to much after the fact. The paragraph about "Long ago the mistress had fought the darkness that within herself" is too obvious. Imagine watching a Scooby Doo episode that you had completely figured out because it was really obvious, and then you have to sit and listen to the explanation of the plot at the end. That explanation would just be kind of dull. There are some parts to that section I like, such as, "I am the remnant." But I think you should make its explanation a little more cryptic. The reader will already get that there was a beast within Wynn. You can add new stuff to it, but anything more than an oblique explanation will just be pounding your reader over the head. Right now, that section almost sounds like the Cliff's Notes to your writing. It's not natural.
The one criticism I would like to offer is that you actually make yourself too clear near the end. I was really, truly enjoying the passage, especially where Wynn digs to her inner being to find the creature. But you spell it all out to much after the fact. The paragraph about "Long ago the mistress had fought the darkness that within herself" is too obvious. Imagine watching a Scooby Doo episode that you had completely figured out because it was really obvious, and then you have to sit and listen to the explanation of the plot at the end. That explanation would just be kind of dull.
There are some parts to that section I like, such as, "I am the remnant." But I think you should make its explanation a little more cryptic. The reader will already get that there was a beast within Wynn. You can add new stuff to it, but anything more than an oblique explanation will just be pounding your reader over the head. Right now, that section almost sounds like the Cliff's Notes to your writing. It's not natural.
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