humph
so another journal entry... i think i might be getting ahead of myself here... super over productive or something... like anyone has even read the one i wrote yesterday yet... either way, i guess tonights entry will be more of a free-write... just letting all my feelings out. you see, this week has been weird for me... i mean i have felt kinda sad all week long. i really don't know why either. my solution to this dilhema is to busy myself with activities. which works out fine and dandy until they conclude and then i am sitting with myself at home. this shouldn't be a problem for me, and it really isn't, except its at that time i have nothing to distract me.
i feel very blah when i am talking to jeffrey... i am not sure why. is it because of monday still? or maybe its because i see him as the one to lean on so my innermost feelings come to the surface with him, kinda as a way to help me go to him. its really hard to admit when i feel upset... its humiliating to me. saying that makes me feel like a huge hypocrit though cause well i try to talk to jeff about how i feel so i can be honest with him, but then it makes me feel as though i am sad all the time. this is the fear that has been embedded into my very core: that my sadness will drive jeff away.
nothing will ever make that fear go away unfortunately... i guess i can't ever imagine being without it. my solution is to teach myself to ignore it... this has been working quite well, but hey, it always resurfaces somehow i guess. by just typing all this out i feel better about it. when i can ignore this stuff i feel empowered. i have no idea if it is the necessarily best way to handle the situation... no clue at all. but it makes me feel better so thats how i will deal for now. i would really like to know the best way to cope with stuff like this but i don't know how to find out how. how do i know what to regulate. whats important and whats not what do i talk about, and what not to... suff like that. constant self-doubt is my problem there.
ok, well i think i hae said enough and as depressing as that entry was i feel a little better. plus i am sooooo sleepy.
i feel very blah when i am talking to jeffrey... i am not sure why. is it because of monday still? or maybe its because i see him as the one to lean on so my innermost feelings come to the surface with him, kinda as a way to help me go to him. its really hard to admit when i feel upset... its humiliating to me. saying that makes me feel like a huge hypocrit though cause well i try to talk to jeff about how i feel so i can be honest with him, but then it makes me feel as though i am sad all the time. this is the fear that has been embedded into my very core: that my sadness will drive jeff away.
nothing will ever make that fear go away unfortunately... i guess i can't ever imagine being without it. my solution is to teach myself to ignore it... this has been working quite well, but hey, it always resurfaces somehow i guess. by just typing all this out i feel better about it. when i can ignore this stuff i feel empowered. i have no idea if it is the necessarily best way to handle the situation... no clue at all. but it makes me feel better so thats how i will deal for now. i would really like to know the best way to cope with stuff like this but i don't know how to find out how. how do i know what to regulate. whats important and whats not what do i talk about, and what not to... suff like that. constant self-doubt is my problem there.
ok, well i think i hae said enough and as depressing as that entry was i feel a little better. plus i am sooooo sleepy.