we've come a long way baby
i just got out of a test... urban geography... eck... i had an hour to kill so i decided to come up to the computer lab. don't have any aim, cause i am not smart enough for that, so i checked my e-mail. either way, i started looking through old folders i have in my account of things that i saved or sent etc. one thing in particular entitled "lalalala" was particularily interesting. a saved aim conversation... the very first time i talked to jeffrey online. to read it was quite different than i thought. the whole conversation... the way we talked to eachother... was nothing like now. the tone of voice we used, the way we phrased things. and for just that moment i brought myself back to that day we talked. i felt and thought all the things that were going through my mind that day and was mistified by how we possibly could have ended up the way we are today. frankly his mind was convinced that saturday night was it for us, and i was just plain mad at martin and completely intrigued, captivated by this boy i barely knew. my conversation style was very bold... and i never talk that way, especially with someone who i don't even know. he was withdrawn and holding back, yet curious.
i guess i was just taken aback by how we started from nothing. i mean thinking about it, there was never any chance of something happening. but somehow it did and i don't know why. i guess it was meant to be, because there is no other explanation. i guess i felt the need to be insiteful today... bring some deep meaning out of my life. lately all has been well, with the exception of chemistry (my current hell). i'm not searching for drama... i have enough of that with my current roommate... which brings up another fascinating thought:
i read an e-mail i wrote to jeff before we started dating. it was back in april, right before he came up and visited me for the first time. i was having a rough week and he suggested i write everything down and send it to him. so i did. the e-mail was all about the problems i was having with martin. reading through it today i realized how empty my friendship with him was... how it never was much of a friendship... we were too busy being wrapped up in ourselves to care about eachother... i guess the major question would be why we tried so hard to pretend we were such the best of friends? ultimately, it was our true lack of friendship that lead to its own demise. i suppose i was just so happy to have a companion within mt. pleasant... and he...? well i've come to know his independence... so perhaps he was just hoping i would change my mind.
i guess everything worked itself out eventually... all was made right and everything fell into place. i feel sad that i was completely blinded last year by so many things. i was still far too impressionable and unable to think for myself... so i ended up believing what others told me to think. now another year is almost at an end and i would like to think i know now what i am doing with my life... i know my own beliefs and values. this is very reassuring to me. it took me far to long to arrive at this point.
i guess i did it. found something deep and meaningful to talk about. woot woot!!! maybe i'll come back in another few months with some more thought provoking commentary. who knows? oh well i guess thats all i got. bye bye!
i guess i was just taken aback by how we started from nothing. i mean thinking about it, there was never any chance of something happening. but somehow it did and i don't know why. i guess it was meant to be, because there is no other explanation. i guess i felt the need to be insiteful today... bring some deep meaning out of my life. lately all has been well, with the exception of chemistry (my current hell). i'm not searching for drama... i have enough of that with my current roommate... which brings up another fascinating thought:
i read an e-mail i wrote to jeff before we started dating. it was back in april, right before he came up and visited me for the first time. i was having a rough week and he suggested i write everything down and send it to him. so i did. the e-mail was all about the problems i was having with martin. reading through it today i realized how empty my friendship with him was... how it never was much of a friendship... we were too busy being wrapped up in ourselves to care about eachother... i guess the major question would be why we tried so hard to pretend we were such the best of friends? ultimately, it was our true lack of friendship that lead to its own demise. i suppose i was just so happy to have a companion within mt. pleasant... and he...? well i've come to know his independence... so perhaps he was just hoping i would change my mind.
i guess everything worked itself out eventually... all was made right and everything fell into place. i feel sad that i was completely blinded last year by so many things. i was still far too impressionable and unable to think for myself... so i ended up believing what others told me to think. now another year is almost at an end and i would like to think i know now what i am doing with my life... i know my own beliefs and values. this is very reassuring to me. it took me far to long to arrive at this point.
i guess i did it. found something deep and meaningful to talk about. woot woot!!! maybe i'll come back in another few months with some more thought provoking commentary. who knows? oh well i guess thats all i got. bye bye!