Doubts of all things early. Fraser/Vecchio (dS)
Title: Doubts of all things earthly
Pairing/Genre: Fraser/Vecchio, slash
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1631
Quote: Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love. (Hamlet, II, ii)
Summary: Ray has doubts but we will he make them clear to Fraser?
Notes: Thanks to lozenger8 for beta. This could be longer but sadly, the muse was not with me. Thanks to nakeisha for support and encouragement. The title comes from a Herman Melville quote.
Doubts of all things earthly
“Ray, what’s wrong?” Fraser asked, as they arrived in his apartment.
“Nothing, Benny. Nothing,” Ray replied, sitting down and leaning on the table. ‘Nothing I can tell you’ he thought.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure!” Ray couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice. Maybe he didn’t want to. Anger might put Fraser off asking any more questions.
“Sorry, Ray.”
Ray sighed. “Don’t apologise. You don’t even know why you’re apologising.”
“I assume something I said made you angry, Ray.”
“See, this is what’s wrong with you; you assume you know how I feel,” Ray said, pointing an accusatory finger. Of course Fraser was right, something he said had made Ray angry, but he wasn’t going to give Fraser anything, oh no.
“You could tell me, Ray.”
Ray slumped back in the chair. “What’s the point?”
“Enlightenment? A way of keeping our relationship open? You told me we had to be honest with each other.”
Ray snorted. “You can’t be anything but honest.” Ray was still wondering how honest Fraser was, he might not lie, but there were things he never said that Ray had not asked about.
“But, apparently, I’ve upset you, Ray.”
“Yeah it’s…it’s…” Ray gave up trying to explain it. It was something Ray didn’t want to articulate, for fear of what Fraser would make of it.
“Was I not paying you enough attention during lunch?”
Ray had wondered about how much attention was on him, but Fraser had spent the time talking to him, looking at him. “No. You were the one telling me about camping utensils made of wood.”
“You didn’t want to hear about that? I’m sorry if I bored you, Ray.”
Ray stood up in anger. Part of him didn’t want Fraser to find out the truth and part of him did. His own inner conflict made him centre his anger on the supposed cause. “It wasn’t that! Geez. I got you to read to me in bed last night about the ways to tell the difference between sled tracks. You think I wanted to listen to the different angles of sled runners on glaciers?”
“No, Ray. So you didn’t mind?”
“I don’t mind listening to you,” Ray said, a little more quietly.
“Ah,” Fraser paused. “But you’re still mad at me.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Can we just drop this?” Ray asked, pacing. It was easier, safer, to keep his feelings inside where Fraser couldn’t see them.
“No, Ray.” Fraser’s voice sounded firm.
“Now you stop being polite, not that you ever were.”
“Ray? Is this about being polite?”
“No, it’s about being Canadian.” Ray could keep the sarcasm out of his voice; it was a rebuff as Fraser began to get closer to the reason why Ray felt so angry.
“My nationality offends you?”
“No, it’s what you do. You are the most annoying stereotypical Canadian in the world.”
“This upsets you?”
“No, but what do Canadians do? They say please and thank you, and hold doors for women.” Ray couldn’t say it outright, but some words tumbled out anyway.
“And this is what’s upset you?”
Ray leaned against the wall. “You said thank you to that waitress.”
“It’s polite, Ray.”
“You thanked the waitress and I was the one who paid for the meal.”
“You wanted me to thank you?” Fraser asked.
That was a question Ray wasn’t sure he could answer. “I wanted you to prove to me that what I do is more important to you, more special to you, than a waitress asking if you want another cup of coffee.”
“But you are, Ray.”
“Sure, I’m just the guy who drives you around everyday, who pays for our dates, who comes to your lousy neighbourhood to be with you, who puts himself out so you can rescue kittens from trees. And what do I get? You couldn’t even buy me a lousy soap sculpture.”
“Are you comparing yourself to Victoria, Ray?”
It was inevitable. Victoria was a word layered with so much meaning; she was more than a name to Ray. He clenched his fist slightly in imitation of what he would like to do to her. “If I had been on the damn train you would have stood on that platform and watched me leave.”
“I wouldn’t, Ray. I would have gone with you, I love…”
Ray didn’t want to even hear the words. “No you don’t. You don’t love me enough to want to…”
“What, Ray?”
There was a pause as Ray tried to answer that. He found he couldn’t. “I don’t know, Benny. You never…” Ray paused, and put his hands on the table, hanging his head in shame as he thought. Finally he felt able to face Fraser. “You would have thrown your life away for her, can’t I get something?”
“What do you want me to do?”
Ray felt a little pang of rage; after all they had been through, Fraser still didn’t know. “I can’t tell you and you don’t know, so it’s never going to happen.”
“I’d like to know.”
“When she came it was all about her. Nothing else mattered.”
“And that was a mistake,” Fraser pointed out, seemingly confident in his words.
“But how much do I matter? I’m always second best.”
“You’re not second best to her, Ray.”
Ray wondered about that. Would he ever achieve such a cherished place in Fraser’s heart? “Not just her. Chicago. I am second best to the whole of Chicago.”
“You’re not, Ray.”
“Yeah? You help strangers in the street, and you thank waitresses, and you never…”
“I never thank you,” Fraser finished.
“God, I must be the most stupid, petty guy in the world. I have you and I’m moaning about you never thanking me. I’m jealous of strangers in the street.”
“I don’t thank you, Ray, because you mean too much to me to keep you that distant.”
Ray met Fraser’s eyes for the first time since they had begun their conversation. They communicated so much better with a look, a glance. Ray had been afraid of what Fraser would see in his but now he needed to search for an answer in those eyes that clearly still understood him. “How is thanking someone distant?”
“Manners, Ray. My grandmother always said that manners were polite but they were also a way of stopping people delving too closely into your personal business. I thanked the waitress, Ray, and she didn’t ask me any other questions.”
“You don’t thank me because you love me?”
Fraser laughed a little. “I know the logic of it isn’t very obvious.”
“Your logic never is, Benny, not to mortals.”
The air in the apartment seemed a little lighter then.
“I do love you,” Fraser said.
“I know,” Ray replied. “I just don’t like having to share you with everybody else.”
“Do you really think I take advantage of you, Ray?”
“No. I take advantage of you taking advantage.”
Fraser’s brow creased. “That makes no sense, Ray.”
“And your logic does?” Ray countered.
“Ah, point taken. But; how are you taking advantage of me?”
“Okay, I get to drive you everywhere, I get to have you sitting next to me in the Riv with your hand on my thigh as we drive around. I get to talk to you and make jokes you actually laugh at. Who else in Chicago gets to do that?” Ray said smugly. It was true - women could drool over Fraser, ask him for dates, but they didn’t get to spend every morning sitting next to him, simply being with him.
“No-one, Ray.”
“Exactly. When you help a kitten out of a tree…”
“I only did that once, Ray.”
Things were better now; the light teasing was back. It was a hallmark of their familiarity, a familiarity that did not need polite greetings just for the sake of it. “Fine, but the view I got while you up that tree… Well, let’s just say you can rescue a kitten anytime.”
“Ray.” Fraser blushed.
“See, I do take advantage of you. In fact, I’m talking advantage of this argument and saying you need to make it up to me.”
“For not thanking you?”
“Yeah, because you can thank me in other ways.”
“I always have.”
“I know.” And Ray did know. Perhaps he just needed to hear the words themselves. “I guess I can’t believe you love me. I mean… Look at you and look at me.”
“Ray, I do, never doubt that.”
“Unless you start thanking me?” Ray joked; this was safe, easy, comfortable, them.
“As you said, Ray, there are other ways to thank you which I think I’ll take advantage of.”
“You’re taking advantage of me?”
“It’s only fair, Ray, after all, you’ve taken advantage of me on more than one occasion.” Fraser stepped just a little bit more into Ray’s personal space.
“I just never thought you’d take advantage of someone like this.”
“I only take advantage of the ones I love, Ray,” Fraser whispered gently.
“Then you must really love me.”
Fraser simply nodded. Suddenly his arms were around Ray and his lips were coaxing a wonderful kiss. Ray had to admit it was nice to have Fraser take the lead, and he willingly surrendered to the feel off Fraser’s lips, his tongue, to the physical manifestation of his love.
“Is this enough proof, Ray?” Fraser asked, as he tempted another kiss from Ray.
“Yeah, more than enough. And Benny?”
“Yes, Ray?”
“The feeling’s mutual.”
Ray proved it by kissing Fraser this time, softly and gently. In the midst of the kiss, Ray realised one thing - he no longer doubted what he had. What he did have was a gentle lover and a satisfying embrace.
Pairing/Genre: Fraser/Vecchio, slash
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1631
Quote: Doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love. (Hamlet, II, ii)
Summary: Ray has doubts but we will he make them clear to Fraser?
Notes: Thanks to lozenger8 for beta. This could be longer but sadly, the muse was not with me. Thanks to nakeisha for support and encouragement. The title comes from a Herman Melville quote.
Doubts of all things earthly
“Ray, what’s wrong?” Fraser asked, as they arrived in his apartment.
“Nothing, Benny. Nothing,” Ray replied, sitting down and leaning on the table. ‘Nothing I can tell you’ he thought.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes I’m sure!” Ray couldn’t keep the anger out of his voice. Maybe he didn’t want to. Anger might put Fraser off asking any more questions.
“Sorry, Ray.”
Ray sighed. “Don’t apologise. You don’t even know why you’re apologising.”
“I assume something I said made you angry, Ray.”
“See, this is what’s wrong with you; you assume you know how I feel,” Ray said, pointing an accusatory finger. Of course Fraser was right, something he said had made Ray angry, but he wasn’t going to give Fraser anything, oh no.
“You could tell me, Ray.”
Ray slumped back in the chair. “What’s the point?”
“Enlightenment? A way of keeping our relationship open? You told me we had to be honest with each other.”
Ray snorted. “You can’t be anything but honest.” Ray was still wondering how honest Fraser was, he might not lie, but there were things he never said that Ray had not asked about.
“But, apparently, I’ve upset you, Ray.”
“Yeah it’s…it’s…” Ray gave up trying to explain it. It was something Ray didn’t want to articulate, for fear of what Fraser would make of it.
“Was I not paying you enough attention during lunch?”
Ray had wondered about how much attention was on him, but Fraser had spent the time talking to him, looking at him. “No. You were the one telling me about camping utensils made of wood.”
“You didn’t want to hear about that? I’m sorry if I bored you, Ray.”
Ray stood up in anger. Part of him didn’t want Fraser to find out the truth and part of him did. His own inner conflict made him centre his anger on the supposed cause. “It wasn’t that! Geez. I got you to read to me in bed last night about the ways to tell the difference between sled tracks. You think I wanted to listen to the different angles of sled runners on glaciers?”
“No, Ray. So you didn’t mind?”
“I don’t mind listening to you,” Ray said, a little more quietly.
“Ah,” Fraser paused. “But you’re still mad at me.” It was a statement, not a question.
“Can we just drop this?” Ray asked, pacing. It was easier, safer, to keep his feelings inside where Fraser couldn’t see them.
“No, Ray.” Fraser’s voice sounded firm.
“Now you stop being polite, not that you ever were.”
“Ray? Is this about being polite?”
“No, it’s about being Canadian.” Ray could keep the sarcasm out of his voice; it was a rebuff as Fraser began to get closer to the reason why Ray felt so angry.
“My nationality offends you?”
“No, it’s what you do. You are the most annoying stereotypical Canadian in the world.”
“This upsets you?”
“No, but what do Canadians do? They say please and thank you, and hold doors for women.” Ray couldn’t say it outright, but some words tumbled out anyway.
“And this is what’s upset you?”
Ray leaned against the wall. “You said thank you to that waitress.”
“It’s polite, Ray.”
“You thanked the waitress and I was the one who paid for the meal.”
“You wanted me to thank you?” Fraser asked.
That was a question Ray wasn’t sure he could answer. “I wanted you to prove to me that what I do is more important to you, more special to you, than a waitress asking if you want another cup of coffee.”
“But you are, Ray.”
“Sure, I’m just the guy who drives you around everyday, who pays for our dates, who comes to your lousy neighbourhood to be with you, who puts himself out so you can rescue kittens from trees. And what do I get? You couldn’t even buy me a lousy soap sculpture.”
“Are you comparing yourself to Victoria, Ray?”
It was inevitable. Victoria was a word layered with so much meaning; she was more than a name to Ray. He clenched his fist slightly in imitation of what he would like to do to her. “If I had been on the damn train you would have stood on that platform and watched me leave.”
“I wouldn’t, Ray. I would have gone with you, I love…”
Ray didn’t want to even hear the words. “No you don’t. You don’t love me enough to want to…”
“What, Ray?”
There was a pause as Ray tried to answer that. He found he couldn’t. “I don’t know, Benny. You never…” Ray paused, and put his hands on the table, hanging his head in shame as he thought. Finally he felt able to face Fraser. “You would have thrown your life away for her, can’t I get something?”
“What do you want me to do?”
Ray felt a little pang of rage; after all they had been through, Fraser still didn’t know. “I can’t tell you and you don’t know, so it’s never going to happen.”
“I’d like to know.”
“When she came it was all about her. Nothing else mattered.”
“And that was a mistake,” Fraser pointed out, seemingly confident in his words.
“But how much do I matter? I’m always second best.”
“You’re not second best to her, Ray.”
Ray wondered about that. Would he ever achieve such a cherished place in Fraser’s heart? “Not just her. Chicago. I am second best to the whole of Chicago.”
“You’re not, Ray.”
“Yeah? You help strangers in the street, and you thank waitresses, and you never…”
“I never thank you,” Fraser finished.
“God, I must be the most stupid, petty guy in the world. I have you and I’m moaning about you never thanking me. I’m jealous of strangers in the street.”
“I don’t thank you, Ray, because you mean too much to me to keep you that distant.”
Ray met Fraser’s eyes for the first time since they had begun their conversation. They communicated so much better with a look, a glance. Ray had been afraid of what Fraser would see in his but now he needed to search for an answer in those eyes that clearly still understood him. “How is thanking someone distant?”
“Manners, Ray. My grandmother always said that manners were polite but they were also a way of stopping people delving too closely into your personal business. I thanked the waitress, Ray, and she didn’t ask me any other questions.”
“You don’t thank me because you love me?”
Fraser laughed a little. “I know the logic of it isn’t very obvious.”
“Your logic never is, Benny, not to mortals.”
The air in the apartment seemed a little lighter then.
“I do love you,” Fraser said.
“I know,” Ray replied. “I just don’t like having to share you with everybody else.”
“Do you really think I take advantage of you, Ray?”
“No. I take advantage of you taking advantage.”
Fraser’s brow creased. “That makes no sense, Ray.”
“And your logic does?” Ray countered.
“Ah, point taken. But; how are you taking advantage of me?”
“Okay, I get to drive you everywhere, I get to have you sitting next to me in the Riv with your hand on my thigh as we drive around. I get to talk to you and make jokes you actually laugh at. Who else in Chicago gets to do that?” Ray said smugly. It was true - women could drool over Fraser, ask him for dates, but they didn’t get to spend every morning sitting next to him, simply being with him.
“No-one, Ray.”
“Exactly. When you help a kitten out of a tree…”
“I only did that once, Ray.”
Things were better now; the light teasing was back. It was a hallmark of their familiarity, a familiarity that did not need polite greetings just for the sake of it. “Fine, but the view I got while you up that tree… Well, let’s just say you can rescue a kitten anytime.”
“Ray.” Fraser blushed.
“See, I do take advantage of you. In fact, I’m talking advantage of this argument and saying you need to make it up to me.”
“For not thanking you?”
“Yeah, because you can thank me in other ways.”
“I always have.”
“I know.” And Ray did know. Perhaps he just needed to hear the words themselves. “I guess I can’t believe you love me. I mean… Look at you and look at me.”
“Ray, I do, never doubt that.”
“Unless you start thanking me?” Ray joked; this was safe, easy, comfortable, them.
“As you said, Ray, there are other ways to thank you which I think I’ll take advantage of.”
“You’re taking advantage of me?”
“It’s only fair, Ray, after all, you’ve taken advantage of me on more than one occasion.” Fraser stepped just a little bit more into Ray’s personal space.
“I just never thought you’d take advantage of someone like this.”
“I only take advantage of the ones I love, Ray,” Fraser whispered gently.
“Then you must really love me.”
Fraser simply nodded. Suddenly his arms were around Ray and his lips were coaxing a wonderful kiss. Ray had to admit it was nice to have Fraser take the lead, and he willingly surrendered to the feel off Fraser’s lips, his tongue, to the physical manifestation of his love.
“Is this enough proof, Ray?” Fraser asked, as he tempted another kiss from Ray.
“Yeah, more than enough. And Benny?”
“Yes, Ray?”
“The feeling’s mutual.”
Ray proved it by kissing Fraser this time, softly and gently. In the midst of the kiss, Ray realised one thing - he no longer doubted what he had. What he did have was a gentle lover and a satisfying embrace.