Badfic Challenge by Giulietta
Erp. So much thanks to estrella30 and cesperanza for letting me post this late, and apologies to riadsala for the skeletal nature of it -- I kind overloaded myself a bit with RL.
So. Here we go.
Title: Fairies of the Frozen North
Prompt: OMG you guys, Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing had a iceskating accidnet and faints lol!!1! When she wakes up she finds shed ben transportered to teh Frozen North lol!1 She is their Ice Princess and only she had teh Powr to rescew Frazier from the evil lair of Kowea Kavols Ray lol. Will she be in tiems to save him form teh buttsecks!?!!? pls r/r omg you guys, lol. I won't post the next chapter untill I get 5 good reveiws, lol11! ^_____^
Prompt Written By: riadsala
Rating: Um, R? For cruel and unusual treatment of fairies? (I assure you, I am making no religious comment of any sort here. It's just crackfic.)
Word Count: 1631
Fairies of the Frozen North
"AARGH!" Gen roars, curling into a very small ball while Mary Jane's brand new stallion -- creatively named Stallion -- tramples all over the ice. "You'll crack the ice, you fucking bitch!" Gen hollers frantically. "Get it off! Get it off! Get it -- "
There is a sickening thud, and a crunch -- and then Gen is plunging into the pond, quite unable to breathe. Frantically, she tries to pull a breath -- but she only inhales water, water and water and more water and vision greying out completely --
-- and then she opens her eyes. "MARY -- " Gen starts, and then realizes that she's lying in a snowdrift. Her hair is all wet, and her panties are starting to get damp.
Gen hates damp panties. They smell weird.
Also, she hates being lost, and right now she is very definitely lost. She doesn't even know what country she's in, or if she's even alive. In fact, it might be said that since Hell's got to be on fire, Heaven's got to freeze your ass off. It makes perfect sense, really.
Gen groans and sits up. "I hate everyone," she declares very loudly, even though there's no one around to hear her.
Only she's maybe not quite alone. "Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing!" squeaks a very small blue person, who has apparently decided to perch on Gen's left knee.
Gen stares at it. For lack of anything else better to do, she stares at it some more. "Uh," she says. "Who the hell are you?"
The little blue person doesn't answer. Instead, another little blue person settles himself -- herself? itself -- down on her right knee. "Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing!" it chirps cheerfully.
"Okay. You're starting to creep me out," Gen informs them, and tries to brush them off her knee. This only ends up alarming her further; the little blue people sprout wings and flit about her head, eventually dropping onto her ears and sitting there like little non existent snowflakes, or something.
"Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing!" the squeak in unison. Okay. This is now officially annoying. She hates her name, always has done, and is not about to take this kind of shit from some blue people -- expecially not since she's bigger than them. "Look," she demands angrily, "who are you?"
"Fairies," says the one on her right ear.
"You know," Gen growls, "not too many people own up like that. It's real refreshing of you, though. Nice and straightforward -- now could you please get away from my head?" she howls, batting at her ears frantically.
The fairies swoop around in front of her face, which is even worse; now she's dizzy. And there seem to be -- "There's more of you?" she chokes, because there's now this cloud of them, buzzing around her like blue gnats with disgusting little cherub faces.
"Fairies," some of them assert again.
"Yeah, yeah, okay I got that the first time -- "
"Of," a bunch more add, harmonizing. Harmonizing.
"Oh, God," Gen groans, wondering if it's going to get any worse. Unfortunately, it does.
"The," on the major fifth.
"Frozen," on the seventh, and:
"North!" on the octave.
Gen stares at them.
"ICE PRINCESS!" they all declare, and the noise is nearly deafening.
Gen blinks. "Ice Princess? Look, they're not real. I'm not meeting some imaginary Ice Princess -- " One of the fairies flies in close and swats her on the nose. "Ow! What the -- "
"Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing," the fairy insists.
"Ice Princess," another one chimes in.
It takes a while for Gen to figure it out, since the little buggers apparently only know how to say their stupid Fairies of the Frozen North song, "Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing", and "Ice Princess". A couple of swats on the nose later, though, Gen manages to grasp the whole diabolical plan.
"I'm the Ice Princess?" she shrieks, in abject and piteous horror. "Good GOD, no!"
[Directed by the Fairies of the Frozen North, Gen makes her unsuspecting way across the tundra towards Kowalski's cave. The casualties are as follows:
16 Fairies of the Frozen North stunned by blows to the head, were never recovered, and presumed dead.
8 Fairies of the Frozen North sustained broken wings and were unable to continue their journey, also presumed dead.
4 Fairies of the Frozen North lost legs to an enraged swipe, were able to continue traveling until they were debilitated by hemolymph loss, and were presumed dead thereafter.
2 Fairies of the Frozen North lost arms to an enraged swipe, and came to a similar fate as those who lost legs.
1 Fairy of the Frozen North lost a head to an enraged swipe, and was fortunately able to continue travel due to the fact that in doing so, it had lost nothing of particular value.
1 Nail of The Ice Princess Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing was broken in the process of executing an enraged swipe.]
After about a month of walking in snow and snow and more snow, Gen finally spots something looming in front of her. It is large. It is black. It looks like it might have a roof to it. "Please tell me we're going to sleep there today," Gen groans, not exactly hopefully.
"Ice Princess," replies one of the Fairies placidly. Gen elects to ignore that.
A few more paces, and the large black shape reveals itself to be a large cave of some sort. Good. Definitely a roof and three walls, though probably not much else. "I'm going in," Gen tells the Fairies.
For some reason, this seems to make them very pleased; that cannot be good. Gen briefly considers abandoning the cave entirely, but in the end her sore feet win out.
As she gets even closer, she thinks she can hear two voices -- well, not voices, exactly. More like grunts. Male grunts. Great -- they're probably lugging firewood around. Gen's forgotten what it's like to feel warm; being an Ice Princess doesn't seem to get you much in the way of luxury.
It doesn't seem to take terribly long to get to the mouth of the cave. Gen's pace quickens hopefully, despite herself. She grabs at lip of the entryway with one hand and drags herself in.
Inside -- yes! Two men! Actual men, not Fairies! "Hey!" Gen greets them enthusiastically, and their heads whip around. They don't look terribly pleased to see her. "Uh, hey, guys, I was just wondering if you -- " and that's about when she notices that they haven't got any trousers on.
"AUGH!" Gen shrieks, and covers her eyes. "I'm scarred! Scarred for life, I tell you! Oh, God, may I never see another butt in my entire life -- "
"Do be reasonable," one of them replies, sounding freakishly calm for somebody who's not wearing any pants. "I don't think Ray's buttocks are all that unattractive."
"Look," Gen says, as firmly as she can while being mildly hysterical, "you're supposed to do that in private, okay? Not in a cave out in the middle of -- uh -- "
"Yeah, well, it was private when we got here," the other guy snaps. There's the sound of fabric rustling, and a zipper being pulled up. "Who the hell are you, anyway?"
One of the Fairies answers for her. "Genevieve Olivia Dia -- "
That is it.
Without thinking, Gen flings a hand out into midair and manages to close her fingers around the Fairy's tiny, struggling body. She contemplates it for about a split second -- and then, without a word, she bites its head off.
"Oh, God, that's disgusting," one of the guys says, sounding like he's trying not to puke. Gen grins at him broadly; luckily, he's got his pants back on again.
"I've been wanting to do that for ages," Gen explains around her mouthful, and chews pensively. The two men stare at her like she's just done something really weird and kind of impressive. "Huh," she says, swallowing. "Tastes like chicken." She releases the Fairy, and the headless body flutters away and lurks in a corner.
"Er," the freakishly calm guy says, "perhaps you should see someone about these violent urges of yours. I'm somewhat skeptical of the psychological profession, myself, but -- "
"Yeah, well, I would," Gen says, "but the thing is, I'm kind of lost. You think you know how to get me back to Kansas?"
"Hm." The guy rubs his eyebrow. "It's a bit of a challenge, but -- Kansas, you say?"
"Fraser, it's an -- illusion, or whatsis. From the Wizard of Oz."
"Ah. Thank you kindly, Ray."
"Okay," Gen hisses at Mary Jane, eyes narrowed, "you are going to get your stallion off the ice."
"His name is Stallion," Mary Jane corrects.
"What's the difference?"
"I can tell," Mary Jane sniffs.
"Right. Fine. Get him off the ice," Gen repeats, enunciating deliberately. "Or else..."
Mary Jane smirks and folds her arms pertly. "Or else what?" she inquires, smirking.
"You wanna know?"
"Uh-huh."
"All right, then." Gen grins, slightly manically. "I'll bite his head off." Mary Jane's smirk fades a little, and a worried line appears between her eyebrows. "I've got this bet, see, that it'll taste just exactly like...chicken." She leans in, licks her lips very deliberately, and smacks them loudly.
Mary Jane swallows hard. "You're -- okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going," she says hurriedly, as Gen starts to flex her jaw. "Chill." She tugs at her horse's harness and leads him off the ice.
She leaves a very still, slightly horrified silence in her wake. "Okay!" Gen claps her hands cheerfully. "C'mon, you guys! Let's play some hockey!"
--fin
Apparently I can't post the next chapter until I get five good reviews, so OMG DON'T TELL ME IT'S BAD! THOU SHALT BREAK MY HEART IF THOU DOES! *holds hands to breast theatrically*
So. Here we go.
Title: Fairies of the Frozen North
Prompt: OMG you guys, Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing had a iceskating accidnet and faints lol!!1! When she wakes up she finds shed ben transportered to teh Frozen North lol!1 She is their Ice Princess and only she had teh Powr to rescew Frazier from the evil lair of Kowea Kavols Ray lol. Will she be in tiems to save him form teh buttsecks!?!!? pls r/r omg you guys, lol. I won't post the next chapter untill I get 5 good reveiws, lol11! ^_____^
Prompt Written By: riadsala
Rating: Um, R? For cruel and unusual treatment of fairies? (I assure you, I am making no religious comment of any sort here. It's just crackfic.)
Word Count: 1631
Fairies of the Frozen North
"AARGH!" Gen roars, curling into a very small ball while Mary Jane's brand new stallion -- creatively named Stallion -- tramples all over the ice. "You'll crack the ice, you fucking bitch!" Gen hollers frantically. "Get it off! Get it off! Get it -- "
There is a sickening thud, and a crunch -- and then Gen is plunging into the pond, quite unable to breathe. Frantically, she tries to pull a breath -- but she only inhales water, water and water and more water and vision greying out completely --
-- and then she opens her eyes. "MARY -- " Gen starts, and then realizes that she's lying in a snowdrift. Her hair is all wet, and her panties are starting to get damp.
Gen hates damp panties. They smell weird.
Also, she hates being lost, and right now she is very definitely lost. She doesn't even know what country she's in, or if she's even alive. In fact, it might be said that since Hell's got to be on fire, Heaven's got to freeze your ass off. It makes perfect sense, really.
Gen groans and sits up. "I hate everyone," she declares very loudly, even though there's no one around to hear her.
Only she's maybe not quite alone. "Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing!" squeaks a very small blue person, who has apparently decided to perch on Gen's left knee.
Gen stares at it. For lack of anything else better to do, she stares at it some more. "Uh," she says. "Who the hell are you?"
The little blue person doesn't answer. Instead, another little blue person settles himself -- herself? itself -- down on her right knee. "Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing!" it chirps cheerfully.
"Okay. You're starting to creep me out," Gen informs them, and tries to brush them off her knee. This only ends up alarming her further; the little blue people sprout wings and flit about her head, eventually dropping onto her ears and sitting there like little non existent snowflakes, or something.
"Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing!" the squeak in unison. Okay. This is now officially annoying. She hates her name, always has done, and is not about to take this kind of shit from some blue people -- expecially not since she's bigger than them. "Look," she demands angrily, "who are you?"
"Fairies," says the one on her right ear.
"You know," Gen growls, "not too many people own up like that. It's real refreshing of you, though. Nice and straightforward -- now could you please get away from my head?" she howls, batting at her ears frantically.
The fairies swoop around in front of her face, which is even worse; now she's dizzy. And there seem to be -- "There's more of you?" she chokes, because there's now this cloud of them, buzzing around her like blue gnats with disgusting little cherub faces.
"Fairies," some of them assert again.
"Yeah, yeah, okay I got that the first time -- "
"Of," a bunch more add, harmonizing. Harmonizing.
"Oh, God," Gen groans, wondering if it's going to get any worse. Unfortunately, it does.
"The," on the major fifth.
"Frozen," on the seventh, and:
"North!" on the octave.
Gen stares at them.
"ICE PRINCESS!" they all declare, and the noise is nearly deafening.
Gen blinks. "Ice Princess? Look, they're not real. I'm not meeting some imaginary Ice Princess -- " One of the fairies flies in close and swats her on the nose. "Ow! What the -- "
"Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing," the fairy insists.
"Ice Princess," another one chimes in.
It takes a while for Gen to figure it out, since the little buggers apparently only know how to say their stupid Fairies of the Frozen North song, "Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing", and "Ice Princess". A couple of swats on the nose later, though, Gen manages to grasp the whole diabolical plan.
"I'm the Ice Princess?" she shrieks, in abject and piteous horror. "Good GOD, no!"
[Directed by the Fairies of the Frozen North, Gen makes her unsuspecting way across the tundra towards Kowalski's cave. The casualties are as follows:
16 Fairies of the Frozen North stunned by blows to the head, were never recovered, and presumed dead.
8 Fairies of the Frozen North sustained broken wings and were unable to continue their journey, also presumed dead.
4 Fairies of the Frozen North lost legs to an enraged swipe, were able to continue traveling until they were debilitated by hemolymph loss, and were presumed dead thereafter.
2 Fairies of the Frozen North lost arms to an enraged swipe, and came to a similar fate as those who lost legs.
1 Fairy of the Frozen North lost a head to an enraged swipe, and was fortunately able to continue travel due to the fact that in doing so, it had lost nothing of particular value.
1 Nail of The Ice Princess Genevieve Olivia Diana Dessing was broken in the process of executing an enraged swipe.]
After about a month of walking in snow and snow and more snow, Gen finally spots something looming in front of her. It is large. It is black. It looks like it might have a roof to it. "Please tell me we're going to sleep there today," Gen groans, not exactly hopefully.
"Ice Princess," replies one of the Fairies placidly. Gen elects to ignore that.
A few more paces, and the large black shape reveals itself to be a large cave of some sort. Good. Definitely a roof and three walls, though probably not much else. "I'm going in," Gen tells the Fairies.
For some reason, this seems to make them very pleased; that cannot be good. Gen briefly considers abandoning the cave entirely, but in the end her sore feet win out.
As she gets even closer, she thinks she can hear two voices -- well, not voices, exactly. More like grunts. Male grunts. Great -- they're probably lugging firewood around. Gen's forgotten what it's like to feel warm; being an Ice Princess doesn't seem to get you much in the way of luxury.
It doesn't seem to take terribly long to get to the mouth of the cave. Gen's pace quickens hopefully, despite herself. She grabs at lip of the entryway with one hand and drags herself in.
Inside -- yes! Two men! Actual men, not Fairies! "Hey!" Gen greets them enthusiastically, and their heads whip around. They don't look terribly pleased to see her. "Uh, hey, guys, I was just wondering if you -- " and that's about when she notices that they haven't got any trousers on.
"AUGH!" Gen shrieks, and covers her eyes. "I'm scarred! Scarred for life, I tell you! Oh, God, may I never see another butt in my entire life -- "
"Do be reasonable," one of them replies, sounding freakishly calm for somebody who's not wearing any pants. "I don't think Ray's buttocks are all that unattractive."
"Look," Gen says, as firmly as she can while being mildly hysterical, "you're supposed to do that in private, okay? Not in a cave out in the middle of -- uh -- "
"Yeah, well, it was private when we got here," the other guy snaps. There's the sound of fabric rustling, and a zipper being pulled up. "Who the hell are you, anyway?"
One of the Fairies answers for her. "Genevieve Olivia Dia -- "
That is it.
Without thinking, Gen flings a hand out into midair and manages to close her fingers around the Fairy's tiny, struggling body. She contemplates it for about a split second -- and then, without a word, she bites its head off.
"Oh, God, that's disgusting," one of the guys says, sounding like he's trying not to puke. Gen grins at him broadly; luckily, he's got his pants back on again.
"I've been wanting to do that for ages," Gen explains around her mouthful, and chews pensively. The two men stare at her like she's just done something really weird and kind of impressive. "Huh," she says, swallowing. "Tastes like chicken." She releases the Fairy, and the headless body flutters away and lurks in a corner.
"Er," the freakishly calm guy says, "perhaps you should see someone about these violent urges of yours. I'm somewhat skeptical of the psychological profession, myself, but -- "
"Yeah, well, I would," Gen says, "but the thing is, I'm kind of lost. You think you know how to get me back to Kansas?"
"Hm." The guy rubs his eyebrow. "It's a bit of a challenge, but -- Kansas, you say?"
"Fraser, it's an -- illusion, or whatsis. From the Wizard of Oz."
"Ah. Thank you kindly, Ray."
"Okay," Gen hisses at Mary Jane, eyes narrowed, "you are going to get your stallion off the ice."
"His name is Stallion," Mary Jane corrects.
"What's the difference?"
"I can tell," Mary Jane sniffs.
"Right. Fine. Get him off the ice," Gen repeats, enunciating deliberately. "Or else..."
Mary Jane smirks and folds her arms pertly. "Or else what?" she inquires, smirking.
"You wanna know?"
"Uh-huh."
"All right, then." Gen grins, slightly manically. "I'll bite his head off." Mary Jane's smirk fades a little, and a worried line appears between her eyebrows. "I've got this bet, see, that it'll taste just exactly like...chicken." She leans in, licks her lips very deliberately, and smacks them loudly.
Mary Jane swallows hard. "You're -- okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going," she says hurriedly, as Gen starts to flex her jaw. "Chill." She tugs at her horse's harness and leads him off the ice.
She leaves a very still, slightly horrified silence in her wake. "Okay!" Gen claps her hands cheerfully. "C'mon, you guys! Let's play some hockey!"
--fin
Apparently I can't post the next chapter until I get five good reviews, so OMG DON'T TELL ME IT'S BAD! THOU SHALT BREAK MY HEART IF THOU DOES! *holds hands to breast theatrically*