Fic: Through a mirror - her reflection
Title: Through a mirror - her reflection
Author: Aingeal
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Some references to sexual assault (non-graphic)
Summary: When they first asked him to do it, Ray didn't believe them. He couldn't go undercover as a woman. A different take on season 3 and Ray Vecchio in Vegas.
Notes: HUGE thanks to china_shop for her awesome beta work on this fic. Her help has been invaluable and much appreciated.
Through a mirror - her reflection
When they first asked him to do it, Ray didn't believe them. He sat in a room with three guys from the FBI and the only thing keeping him from believing it was a dream was the fact he wasn't naked.
“You want me to what?”
The first guy shoved a photograph across the table. “You're a dead ringer for Amanda Languistini, the bookkeeper for the Iguana family.”
Ray looked at the picture. “Ugly looking woman.”
“We need you to go undercover. You'll replace Amanda for a year, maybe more. You'll get access to the accounts, the information we need to bring the Iguanas down,” the second guy said.
Ray pushed the photograph back. “Wear a dress for nine months? No way.”
The third guy brought out a file. “We can be very persuasive, detective.”
*****************************************************************************************
Sure. Persuasive was what they called blackmail down at the Bureau, Ray was sure of it. Didn't matter the whole file was a fabrication - the thought that anyone he cared about might see those lies was enough. So he'd agreed. Amanda would be taken out of the game, kept somewhere safe and secure, and he'd take her place for up to a year. The one thing he demanded was no surgery, strictly in drag. Amanda looked masculine enough for him to pass.
He spent two weeks on a crash course with a shrink, learning how to walk like a woman, think like a woman, retraining his brain.
“So after all this, I've got an excuse to drive badly?” he joked.
His shrink, Lucy, looked at him with pity. “After all this, I just hope it works out, Detective.”
She never let on how hard it was going to be. The only hint was the way her hand touched the crucifix around her neck as he left her office. Outside Ray found he was fingering his own, wondering if Amanda ever wore one. She did now.
*****************************************************************************************
The bra was the hardest thing to get used to. The corset Ray could handle, but the bra? The bra was pure evil. Before he left he'd asked Francesca for lessons, but she'd just laughed at him.
“Got a date tonight, Ray?”
“No, look, I'm trying to understand women here.”
“You can't understand women by their underwear, Ray.”
He'd sighed. Now he wondered what Frannie thought of the lace underwear he'd left for her, with a note that she should save them for a special guy (not Fraser). He wondered if she'd shown anyone at all.
*****************************************************************************************
The first week was the worst. Ray tripped up in the high heels several times. Once he splashed some whisky on his dress to make it look like he had an excuse. Luckily, the boys never said anything - they knew Amanda kept a gun strapped to her thigh.
The only friendly face was Nero, the butler.
“Let me help you to bed, madam,” he said.
The next morning, there he was, offering her buttermilk. He never said a word.
Not even when the wig slipped.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray knew guys would make passes at him - he'd been told to expect that. Within the family Amanda's virtue was safe for the most part but only because it turned out Amanda's father had made the men of the family swear to protect her.
So the first guy to try it on was a visitor to the casino where Amanda was doing some work; a goombah called Pete who drank too much beer and played too much blackjack. He grabbed Ray in the hallway and kissed him, his firm lips and rough hands feeling all wrong.
“Hey, get off me,” Ray said, and pushed him away.
That only seemed to make him more determined.
When he tried again Ray punched him. Pete still came back for more. Finally Ray hit him over the head with the butt of his gun, kicked him in the kidneys and ran off.
He told Nero what had happened, and the head of the Iguana family overheard. Ray never knew what happened to Pete after that.
*****************************************************************************************
Shaving had always been a chore but now he had to shave a lot more. The FBI removed a lot of the hair they referred to as 'unwanted' using lasers and electrolysis, but Ray still had to shave his legs and armpits.
The first time he did it, he couldn't get the position right to shave the back of his legs. There he was, his foot awkwardly placed on the edge of the very fancy, very polished marble bath, trying to reach around with the razor. It was a miracle he didn't slip. It didn't help that the floor was marble too. That's when he realised why Frannie tied up the bathroom for hours. Shaving your legs was a lot harder than it looked.
It was weird and Ray said out loud, “I bet Benny never has to shave anything. I bet he he didn't even have to shave when he was Miss Fraser.”
It was a thought that came out of nowhere, slightly unnerving, but when he went to sleep that night, he dreamed of pale skin and kisses. Ray was in trouble that had nothing to do with the mob.
*****************************************************************************************
It was five weeks before the way Ray thought started to change. It only took three days to respond automatically when someone called him Amanda, but now he actually thought differently. He took a perverse pleasure in putting the implants in his bra, pushing up his cleavage.
The skirts got shorter, the make-up neater, and the heels higher. Ray had a new found confidence in being a woman.
What worried him was he was turning into Frannie.
*****************************************************************************************
He never took the wig off. It itched and it got hot under there but he never took it off. He treated it better than his own hair, back when he'd had hair. The wig was something else though - long flowing dark brown, almost black, not too straight, not too curly. It had a nice wave to it.
At night he lay with his head on the satin-covered pillow, imagining Fraser's fingers running through it. He never thought about this too deeply, figuring it was just a result of needing sleep - even when he wasn't tired.
He tried not to take the underwear off much either, at first because he was scared of being found out if anyone accidentally caught him. When he did take it off to wash it, it wasn't his own fingers he pictured doing the undressing.
*****************************************************************************************
After a while Ray stopped waking up thinking he had do something. Instead, she had to do something.
The head of the family sometimes asked, “Did she do a good job?”
His son would answer, “Yeah, she did.”
Ray knew they were talking about her. About him. About her. Saying her had become more natural. That was when the dreams started.
*****************************************************************************************
A couple of months in, Ray realised the dreams were memories. They were too real and he started to see the images of his dreams even when he wasn't asleep. He'd known the undercover work would screw him up, but remembering trying on his sisters' clothes was the last thing he needed now.
Maybe he'd been picked for a reason. Maybe he and Amanda had more in common than he cared to admit.
It barely registered that he hadn't really looked at his dick in weeks. Nor that he'd started wearing bras edged with lace.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray had never enjoyed math and numbers at school. The book-keeping was hard, even though all Ray had to do was pretend to check the numbers and pass copies of the books onto his contact, who fed him the calculations back so he could keep the originals up to date. Ray thought about his Pop working out his bets in the barbershop, telling little Ray the odds. Except the stakes here weren't just a crueller.
At least the calculator was new.
Amanda was a brilliant accountant, Ray gave her that. She probably even looked better than he did. But when he saw himself in the mirror, it was hard not to compare himself to her and think maybe there was a reason why guys were still hitting on the person they believed was Amanda.
When the clients asked for the figures, they had to be “Ready, Boss.” Even Amanda had to call the family's eldest son 'Boss', despite the fact they were distant cousins and technically he was only the second in command. Ray found this out the first time he'd said 'Joey' instead of 'Boss'. Thank God Amanda was a woman and could get away with a little more than a guy would've been able to.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray stood in the mirror making the final adjustments to her outfit. She twirled around, letting the new black dress, with its plunging necklace and diamond-studded hem, brush against her legs.
“What do you think?” she asked Nero.
His eyes warmed. “You look lovely, madam.”
Ray pushed her hair behind her ears, self-consciously. “Really?”
Nero nodded.
Ray smiled back, then looked into the mirror again. Light glinted off the crucifix she wore.
The attention she got at the party pleased her. Men offered to buy her drinks and asked her to dance, although she politely declined and placated them with drinks and conversation of her own. Still, she couldn't help wondering if Fraser would like her in the dress. After all, Ms Fraser appreciated the time and effort a lady took over her appearance.
*****************************************************************************************
The second pass came the next day. Paulie, one of the bodyguards, pushed her against the wall, his hand up her thigh. He yelped when he felt the bulge in Ray's underwear.
His surprise gave Ray a chance to pull out her gun.
“You say one word about this and I'll tell the Boss you couldn't keep your hands off me when I told you to get lost,” she said, trying to hide the fact she was shaking.
The next time she saw Paulie outside the Boss's office, his face was bruised and his upper lip was bleeding.
“That's what you get for calling Amanda a guy!” one of the other bodyguards yelled.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray discovered the simple pleasures in life when the Don's daughters-in-law invited Ray to a pamper party. Apparently Amanda occasionally indulged in facial cleansing and manicures. Ray was nervous about discovery though - her hands weren't exactly woman soft. She spent the previous evening examining them, making sure there were no visible hairs and lathering on moisturiser.
It was a good thing she'd been taking better care of her nails, in part due to the tips she'd overheard from the other women during dinner parties. Those had been conversations she'd been too shy to join in. The pamper party was a chance to change that.
Throughout the evening they gossiped and talked about their men. Ray found she had things to say, from her privileged position of seeing what the men got up to at work. She told Carla that yes, her husband sometimes did watch the baseball on the TV in his office and that was why he was late home.
“You need to take better care of your nails, girl,” said Carla's sister, Gina.
“What can I say? Accountancy is hard on a girl's hands,” Ray joked.
*****************************************************************************************
It felt unreal when Fraser knocked on his door at the Hotel California. Ray was too shocked to speak first. She could tell that Fraser recognised her instantly beneath the skirts, the make-up and the wig. After they'd disposed of the bodyguards, Fraser hugged her. The hug made Ray's knees go weak and she flushed under the wig.
“It's good to see you, Benny,” she said. She wondered then if Fraser liked her, or preferred Ray as a man. Or if Fraser liked both.
Ray's confusion only grew when she - he - instinctively kept the clothes, make-up and wig on for the debrief.
*****************************************************************************************
During the debrief Kowalski seemed puzzled that she was still wearing the stuff, and he gave Ray the odd stare and questioning look. Afterwards he tackled the question head on.
“Why are you still wearing a dress, Vecchio? Is it, you know, some kind of a kink thing?”
“So I'm wearing a dress, big deal. I've got the legs for it. At least I don't look like I just crawled out of a dumpster,” Ray replied, flipping her hair and marching off.
He heard Fraser defend him as he passed his former colleagues. “Ray has been under a lot of stress during his time undercover. It's logical to assume he would keep some aspects of his appearance the same to ease his transition back to his previous life.”
*****************************************************************************************
She was even wearing the dress when she got shot. In the hospital, the standard outfit wasn't Ray's style - Ray's or Amanda's. The wig was gone, the make-up was gone and he was a he.
“I can't talk about it, Benny,” he said. “I want to tell you...”
“Ray?”
Ray sighed, and rolled away from Fraser for a minute. He couldn't say it. He turned back and tried a weak smile. “Never mind. You go get your man.”
Things were too complicated. He needed to work them through on his own, find his way again. He needed to do that without Fraser by his side.
*****************************************************************************************
Stella liked guys. She liked Ray as a guy so much he went to Florida with her, opened a bowling alley, and tried to forget the previous nine months. He had done plenty of therapy, in Chicago and then in Florida, and the shrinks had helped him sort out the guilt, the darker aspects, like the fight with Paulie. But one thing wouldn't go away.
One night he found himself going through Stella's half of the closet, pulling out outfits and trying on what he could. And then the next night he did the same, and the next. It went on for weeks before she caught him. She was surprised, shocked even, and perhaps a little sad as she saw their future disappear into her wardrobe.
“Ray, this isn't working, is it?”
Ray looked at herself, wearing Stella's skirt and squeezed into a blouse three sizes too small. She fingered the hem of the blouse. “Yeah, you know, maybe you're right.”
She still wasn't sure what this meant, but now her secret was out and it was time to deal with it in the open.
Stella sent her home to Chicago, but first she took her shopping, starting a tentative friendship among the racks of the local boutiques. Ray enjoyed herself more than she thought she would.
*****************************************************************************************
In her new clothes and wig, she looked around her Chicago apartment, pleased with the decor. The walls were freshly painted, white for the living areas, a nice deep yellow in the bedroom. The new dark red couch was soft and inviting, and the bed was fitted with deep blue linen. She carefully adjusted the flowers in the vase. There was just one thing missing; she'd made the call and there was nothing to do but wait. As if thinking was enough to make it real, the doorbell rung.
She opened the door, smiling.
In front of her was a tired-looking wolf and a surprised Benton Fraser. “Ray?”
“Ramona, actually,” she said.
Fraser raised his eyebrows. “Not Amanda?”
“Not any more. Come in.”
Dief trotted in and gave Ramona a sloppy lick as she bent down to greet him.
“Dief, you'll ruin my make-up,” she protested ruffling his fur.
Dief gave a happy bark went and went to find a place by the couch, lying down to take the weight off his paws. Fraser followed him inside.
“It's not all the time,” she said. “Sometimes I'm Ray, sometimes Ramona. It's complicated. Come on, I'll show you the closet.”
Ramona blushed as she took Fraser through her bedroom and opened up the heavy wooden doors of the closet. “See? These,” she said, running a hand along the softly draped dresses and skirts, “are my clothes. And these,” she indicated the tailored suits in the other half of the closet, “are Ray's.”
“I see.”
As soon as Fraser turned to her, Ramona kissed him. She had no idea what Fraser's reaction was going to be - she'd never kissed him before; Ray had never kissed him before -- but she couldn't stop herself, this was a chance she had to take. She might not get another.
Fraser's response was tentative but Ramona felt his lips part. And then his arms went around her and she knew she didn't have to worry.
*****************************************************************************************
Later they lay together, face to face in Ramona's bed, in Ray's bed. Fraser was stroking Ramona's hair the way she'd always hoped he would. Even if the rest of her currently looked more like Ray.
“This isn't because of the undercover thing,” she said.
“It isn't?” Fraser sounded doubtful.
“Okay, maybe it is. It made me realise a few things. Like how I feel about you.” She touched Fraser's cheek. “And how I feel about me.”
“You feel male and female?”
“I feel like me. I don't think I can explain it, Benny.”
“You're doing fine, Ramona.”
She smiled at the use of her name. “Thanks.”
“Perhaps I should clarify my intentions,” said Fraser.
“Now? I think your intentions are pretty clear,” Ramona brushed up against him and his hand moved to her hip.
“I mean about you and Ray. I haven't actually spoken with Ray yet.”
Ray carefully took off the wig. He took a wipe from the bedside drawer and removed the last of her make-up.
“How about we do that now?”
Fraser took a moment just to gaze at Ray, as if to make sure it was really him, and that he was really there. Then he pulled him closer and held him, kissed him, nuzzled his neck.
“You came back to Chicago for me,” Ray said.
“Of course I did,” Fraser replied, gently kissing him.
“And Ramona?” Ray asked, pulling back slightly.
“Was a surprise. A welcome one.”
Ray relaxed - this could really work out. Fraser was smiling back at him.
“You know, Benny,” Ray said, smoothing his hands over Fraser's warm skin, “I think we're going to need a bigger closet if there's going to be three of us living here.”
“You, Ramona and me?” he asked.
“If you want to.” Ray kissed him. “And Dief too. Can't send him back to Canada to starve from lack of doughnuts.”
“We need a bigger closet, Ray.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Ray glimpsed the diamond sequins on the little black dress in the closet. It was enough to give a girl ideas he thought, as he turned back to kiss Fraser again.
Author: Aingeal
Genre: Slash
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Some references to sexual assault (non-graphic)
Summary: When they first asked him to do it, Ray didn't believe them. He couldn't go undercover as a woman. A different take on season 3 and Ray Vecchio in Vegas.
Notes: HUGE thanks to china_shop for her awesome beta work on this fic. Her help has been invaluable and much appreciated.
Through a mirror - her reflection
When they first asked him to do it, Ray didn't believe them. He sat in a room with three guys from the FBI and the only thing keeping him from believing it was a dream was the fact he wasn't naked.
“You want me to what?”
The first guy shoved a photograph across the table. “You're a dead ringer for Amanda Languistini, the bookkeeper for the Iguana family.”
Ray looked at the picture. “Ugly looking woman.”
“We need you to go undercover. You'll replace Amanda for a year, maybe more. You'll get access to the accounts, the information we need to bring the Iguanas down,” the second guy said.
Ray pushed the photograph back. “Wear a dress for nine months? No way.”
The third guy brought out a file. “We can be very persuasive, detective.”
*****************************************************************************************
Sure. Persuasive was what they called blackmail down at the Bureau, Ray was sure of it. Didn't matter the whole file was a fabrication - the thought that anyone he cared about might see those lies was enough. So he'd agreed. Amanda would be taken out of the game, kept somewhere safe and secure, and he'd take her place for up to a year. The one thing he demanded was no surgery, strictly in drag. Amanda looked masculine enough for him to pass.
He spent two weeks on a crash course with a shrink, learning how to walk like a woman, think like a woman, retraining his brain.
“So after all this, I've got an excuse to drive badly?” he joked.
His shrink, Lucy, looked at him with pity. “After all this, I just hope it works out, Detective.”
She never let on how hard it was going to be. The only hint was the way her hand touched the crucifix around her neck as he left her office. Outside Ray found he was fingering his own, wondering if Amanda ever wore one. She did now.
*****************************************************************************************
The bra was the hardest thing to get used to. The corset Ray could handle, but the bra? The bra was pure evil. Before he left he'd asked Francesca for lessons, but she'd just laughed at him.
“Got a date tonight, Ray?”
“No, look, I'm trying to understand women here.”
“You can't understand women by their underwear, Ray.”
He'd sighed. Now he wondered what Frannie thought of the lace underwear he'd left for her, with a note that she should save them for a special guy (not Fraser). He wondered if she'd shown anyone at all.
*****************************************************************************************
The first week was the worst. Ray tripped up in the high heels several times. Once he splashed some whisky on his dress to make it look like he had an excuse. Luckily, the boys never said anything - they knew Amanda kept a gun strapped to her thigh.
The only friendly face was Nero, the butler.
“Let me help you to bed, madam,” he said.
The next morning, there he was, offering her buttermilk. He never said a word.
Not even when the wig slipped.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray knew guys would make passes at him - he'd been told to expect that. Within the family Amanda's virtue was safe for the most part but only because it turned out Amanda's father had made the men of the family swear to protect her.
So the first guy to try it on was a visitor to the casino where Amanda was doing some work; a goombah called Pete who drank too much beer and played too much blackjack. He grabbed Ray in the hallway and kissed him, his firm lips and rough hands feeling all wrong.
“Hey, get off me,” Ray said, and pushed him away.
That only seemed to make him more determined.
When he tried again Ray punched him. Pete still came back for more. Finally Ray hit him over the head with the butt of his gun, kicked him in the kidneys and ran off.
He told Nero what had happened, and the head of the Iguana family overheard. Ray never knew what happened to Pete after that.
*****************************************************************************************
Shaving had always been a chore but now he had to shave a lot more. The FBI removed a lot of the hair they referred to as 'unwanted' using lasers and electrolysis, but Ray still had to shave his legs and armpits.
The first time he did it, he couldn't get the position right to shave the back of his legs. There he was, his foot awkwardly placed on the edge of the very fancy, very polished marble bath, trying to reach around with the razor. It was a miracle he didn't slip. It didn't help that the floor was marble too. That's when he realised why Frannie tied up the bathroom for hours. Shaving your legs was a lot harder than it looked.
It was weird and Ray said out loud, “I bet Benny never has to shave anything. I bet he he didn't even have to shave when he was Miss Fraser.”
It was a thought that came out of nowhere, slightly unnerving, but when he went to sleep that night, he dreamed of pale skin and kisses. Ray was in trouble that had nothing to do with the mob.
*****************************************************************************************
It was five weeks before the way Ray thought started to change. It only took three days to respond automatically when someone called him Amanda, but now he actually thought differently. He took a perverse pleasure in putting the implants in his bra, pushing up his cleavage.
The skirts got shorter, the make-up neater, and the heels higher. Ray had a new found confidence in being a woman.
What worried him was he was turning into Frannie.
*****************************************************************************************
He never took the wig off. It itched and it got hot under there but he never took it off. He treated it better than his own hair, back when he'd had hair. The wig was something else though - long flowing dark brown, almost black, not too straight, not too curly. It had a nice wave to it.
At night he lay with his head on the satin-covered pillow, imagining Fraser's fingers running through it. He never thought about this too deeply, figuring it was just a result of needing sleep - even when he wasn't tired.
He tried not to take the underwear off much either, at first because he was scared of being found out if anyone accidentally caught him. When he did take it off to wash it, it wasn't his own fingers he pictured doing the undressing.
*****************************************************************************************
After a while Ray stopped waking up thinking he had do something. Instead, she had to do something.
The head of the family sometimes asked, “Did she do a good job?”
His son would answer, “Yeah, she did.”
Ray knew they were talking about her. About him. About her. Saying her had become more natural. That was when the dreams started.
*****************************************************************************************
A couple of months in, Ray realised the dreams were memories. They were too real and he started to see the images of his dreams even when he wasn't asleep. He'd known the undercover work would screw him up, but remembering trying on his sisters' clothes was the last thing he needed now.
Maybe he'd been picked for a reason. Maybe he and Amanda had more in common than he cared to admit.
It barely registered that he hadn't really looked at his dick in weeks. Nor that he'd started wearing bras edged with lace.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray had never enjoyed math and numbers at school. The book-keeping was hard, even though all Ray had to do was pretend to check the numbers and pass copies of the books onto his contact, who fed him the calculations back so he could keep the originals up to date. Ray thought about his Pop working out his bets in the barbershop, telling little Ray the odds. Except the stakes here weren't just a crueller.
At least the calculator was new.
Amanda was a brilliant accountant, Ray gave her that. She probably even looked better than he did. But when he saw himself in the mirror, it was hard not to compare himself to her and think maybe there was a reason why guys were still hitting on the person they believed was Amanda.
When the clients asked for the figures, they had to be “Ready, Boss.” Even Amanda had to call the family's eldest son 'Boss', despite the fact they were distant cousins and technically he was only the second in command. Ray found this out the first time he'd said 'Joey' instead of 'Boss'. Thank God Amanda was a woman and could get away with a little more than a guy would've been able to.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray stood in the mirror making the final adjustments to her outfit. She twirled around, letting the new black dress, with its plunging necklace and diamond-studded hem, brush against her legs.
“What do you think?” she asked Nero.
His eyes warmed. “You look lovely, madam.”
Ray pushed her hair behind her ears, self-consciously. “Really?”
Nero nodded.
Ray smiled back, then looked into the mirror again. Light glinted off the crucifix she wore.
The attention she got at the party pleased her. Men offered to buy her drinks and asked her to dance, although she politely declined and placated them with drinks and conversation of her own. Still, she couldn't help wondering if Fraser would like her in the dress. After all, Ms Fraser appreciated the time and effort a lady took over her appearance.
*****************************************************************************************
The second pass came the next day. Paulie, one of the bodyguards, pushed her against the wall, his hand up her thigh. He yelped when he felt the bulge in Ray's underwear.
His surprise gave Ray a chance to pull out her gun.
“You say one word about this and I'll tell the Boss you couldn't keep your hands off me when I told you to get lost,” she said, trying to hide the fact she was shaking.
The next time she saw Paulie outside the Boss's office, his face was bruised and his upper lip was bleeding.
“That's what you get for calling Amanda a guy!” one of the other bodyguards yelled.
*****************************************************************************************
Ray discovered the simple pleasures in life when the Don's daughters-in-law invited Ray to a pamper party. Apparently Amanda occasionally indulged in facial cleansing and manicures. Ray was nervous about discovery though - her hands weren't exactly woman soft. She spent the previous evening examining them, making sure there were no visible hairs and lathering on moisturiser.
It was a good thing she'd been taking better care of her nails, in part due to the tips she'd overheard from the other women during dinner parties. Those had been conversations she'd been too shy to join in. The pamper party was a chance to change that.
Throughout the evening they gossiped and talked about their men. Ray found she had things to say, from her privileged position of seeing what the men got up to at work. She told Carla that yes, her husband sometimes did watch the baseball on the TV in his office and that was why he was late home.
“You need to take better care of your nails, girl,” said Carla's sister, Gina.
“What can I say? Accountancy is hard on a girl's hands,” Ray joked.
*****************************************************************************************
It felt unreal when Fraser knocked on his door at the Hotel California. Ray was too shocked to speak first. She could tell that Fraser recognised her instantly beneath the skirts, the make-up and the wig. After they'd disposed of the bodyguards, Fraser hugged her. The hug made Ray's knees go weak and she flushed under the wig.
“It's good to see you, Benny,” she said. She wondered then if Fraser liked her, or preferred Ray as a man. Or if Fraser liked both.
Ray's confusion only grew when she - he - instinctively kept the clothes, make-up and wig on for the debrief.
*****************************************************************************************
During the debrief Kowalski seemed puzzled that she was still wearing the stuff, and he gave Ray the odd stare and questioning look. Afterwards he tackled the question head on.
“Why are you still wearing a dress, Vecchio? Is it, you know, some kind of a kink thing?”
“So I'm wearing a dress, big deal. I've got the legs for it. At least I don't look like I just crawled out of a dumpster,” Ray replied, flipping her hair and marching off.
He heard Fraser defend him as he passed his former colleagues. “Ray has been under a lot of stress during his time undercover. It's logical to assume he would keep some aspects of his appearance the same to ease his transition back to his previous life.”
*****************************************************************************************
She was even wearing the dress when she got shot. In the hospital, the standard outfit wasn't Ray's style - Ray's or Amanda's. The wig was gone, the make-up was gone and he was a he.
“I can't talk about it, Benny,” he said. “I want to tell you...”
“Ray?”
Ray sighed, and rolled away from Fraser for a minute. He couldn't say it. He turned back and tried a weak smile. “Never mind. You go get your man.”
Things were too complicated. He needed to work them through on his own, find his way again. He needed to do that without Fraser by his side.
*****************************************************************************************
Stella liked guys. She liked Ray as a guy so much he went to Florida with her, opened a bowling alley, and tried to forget the previous nine months. He had done plenty of therapy, in Chicago and then in Florida, and the shrinks had helped him sort out the guilt, the darker aspects, like the fight with Paulie. But one thing wouldn't go away.
One night he found himself going through Stella's half of the closet, pulling out outfits and trying on what he could. And then the next night he did the same, and the next. It went on for weeks before she caught him. She was surprised, shocked even, and perhaps a little sad as she saw their future disappear into her wardrobe.
“Ray, this isn't working, is it?”
Ray looked at herself, wearing Stella's skirt and squeezed into a blouse three sizes too small. She fingered the hem of the blouse. “Yeah, you know, maybe you're right.”
She still wasn't sure what this meant, but now her secret was out and it was time to deal with it in the open.
Stella sent her home to Chicago, but first she took her shopping, starting a tentative friendship among the racks of the local boutiques. Ray enjoyed herself more than she thought she would.
*****************************************************************************************
In her new clothes and wig, she looked around her Chicago apartment, pleased with the decor. The walls were freshly painted, white for the living areas, a nice deep yellow in the bedroom. The new dark red couch was soft and inviting, and the bed was fitted with deep blue linen. She carefully adjusted the flowers in the vase. There was just one thing missing; she'd made the call and there was nothing to do but wait. As if thinking was enough to make it real, the doorbell rung.
She opened the door, smiling.
In front of her was a tired-looking wolf and a surprised Benton Fraser. “Ray?”
“Ramona, actually,” she said.
Fraser raised his eyebrows. “Not Amanda?”
“Not any more. Come in.”
Dief trotted in and gave Ramona a sloppy lick as she bent down to greet him.
“Dief, you'll ruin my make-up,” she protested ruffling his fur.
Dief gave a happy bark went and went to find a place by the couch, lying down to take the weight off his paws. Fraser followed him inside.
“It's not all the time,” she said. “Sometimes I'm Ray, sometimes Ramona. It's complicated. Come on, I'll show you the closet.”
Ramona blushed as she took Fraser through her bedroom and opened up the heavy wooden doors of the closet. “See? These,” she said, running a hand along the softly draped dresses and skirts, “are my clothes. And these,” she indicated the tailored suits in the other half of the closet, “are Ray's.”
“I see.”
As soon as Fraser turned to her, Ramona kissed him. She had no idea what Fraser's reaction was going to be - she'd never kissed him before; Ray had never kissed him before -- but she couldn't stop herself, this was a chance she had to take. She might not get another.
Fraser's response was tentative but Ramona felt his lips part. And then his arms went around her and she knew she didn't have to worry.
*****************************************************************************************
Later they lay together, face to face in Ramona's bed, in Ray's bed. Fraser was stroking Ramona's hair the way she'd always hoped he would. Even if the rest of her currently looked more like Ray.
“This isn't because of the undercover thing,” she said.
“It isn't?” Fraser sounded doubtful.
“Okay, maybe it is. It made me realise a few things. Like how I feel about you.” She touched Fraser's cheek. “And how I feel about me.”
“You feel male and female?”
“I feel like me. I don't think I can explain it, Benny.”
“You're doing fine, Ramona.”
She smiled at the use of her name. “Thanks.”
“Perhaps I should clarify my intentions,” said Fraser.
“Now? I think your intentions are pretty clear,” Ramona brushed up against him and his hand moved to her hip.
“I mean about you and Ray. I haven't actually spoken with Ray yet.”
Ray carefully took off the wig. He took a wipe from the bedside drawer and removed the last of her make-up.
“How about we do that now?”
Fraser took a moment just to gaze at Ray, as if to make sure it was really him, and that he was really there. Then he pulled him closer and held him, kissed him, nuzzled his neck.
“You came back to Chicago for me,” Ray said.
“Of course I did,” Fraser replied, gently kissing him.
“And Ramona?” Ray asked, pulling back slightly.
“Was a surprise. A welcome one.”
Ray relaxed - this could really work out. Fraser was smiling back at him.
“You know, Benny,” Ray said, smoothing his hands over Fraser's warm skin, “I think we're going to need a bigger closet if there's going to be three of us living here.”
“You, Ramona and me?” he asked.
“If you want to.” Ray kissed him. “And Dief too. Can't send him back to Canada to starve from lack of doughnuts.”
“We need a bigger closet, Ray.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Ray glimpsed the diamond sequins on the little black dress in the closet. It was enough to give a girl ideas he thought, as he turned back to kiss Fraser again.