Fic: Code of Honor 1/1 Fraser/RayV FRT
Hi. My name is Gileswench, and I'm a very new DS fan. From the first time I watched, I was struck with the relationship between Fraser and RayV, and the next thing I knew I was writing my first fic in the fandom. I hope you'll enjoy it.
Title: Code of Honor
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Date: 10/29/07
Spoilers: Set immediately after Heaven and Earth
Summary: Honor and romance seldom compliment one another.
Rating: FRT a couple rude words, mostly, and a tiny touch of angst.
Pairing: Fraser/RayV
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Paul Haggis, Paul Gross, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun the creators won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
Notes: Thanks to Fabrisse for the quick and remarkably painless beta to a first-timer in the fandom. Apologies to Malnpudl for not choosing the Ray she hoped I would.
Benton Fraser would be the first to admit that he found some concepts more difficult to grasp than others. He would also readily admit that sex and romance were things he seemed to think about less than those around him.
On the other hand, once a concept was brought to the fore of his mind, whether by circumstance or deliberate consideration, it tended to stay very firmly in that place, resisting all efforts to change or ignore it.
Despite all that, one warm spring evening Benton Fraser found himself thinking about Ray Vecchio in a way he never had before and completely unable to stop. He frowned to himself and ruffled Diefenbaker’s soft coat. The wolf nuzzled his hand and looked at him. Fraser looked back.
“I’m not telling him,” he said firmly. “I don’t have any reason to think he’d be interested.”
Diefenbaker whined, turned, and walked away to a corner of the room. He glared once at Fraser, then lay down and rested his chin on his own forepaws.
“It’s no good being like that,” Fraser said. “It doesn’t change circumstances. Just because I feel this way doesn’t mean he does.”
The wolf yawned.
“No, I’m not going to ask him, either. It wouldn’t be appropriate.”
A snort from Diefenbaker’s corner made Fraser sigh.
“I don’t think there’s anyone else, no, but that doesn’t change anything, either. This is complicated. There would be repercussions for both our careers. There would be compromises to be made - ones I’m not certain I’m ready to make. Worst of all, it could destroy our friendship. Do I really have the right to risk that for what could turn out to be infatuation on my part? Dief? Do I have that right?”
He turned to the wolf again. Diefenbaker was out like a light. Fraser sighed, lay down on his bedroll, and tried to go to sleep.
*****
As the days passed, Fraser continued to wrestle with the problem. Diefenbaker continued to encourage him to speak out, but prudence indicated that speaking might be a bad choice.
It was about a week after the first night he’d considered the question that Fraser found himself sitting down to another family dinner at the Vecchio house. As usual, a rancorous cacophony swept around the table, punctuated by Francesca’s sighs and Ray’s plaintive cries of ‘Ma!’ In the middle of it all, Mrs. Vecchio shushed Ray yet again, turned to Fraser, and asked the fatal question.
“So have you been seeing anyone recently?”
“Ma! What are you asking? Ignore her, Benny. You don’t have to answer that. You’ve got Miranda rights.”
“It’s a perfectly fair question, Ray,” Fraser said. He turned to Mrs. Vecchio. “While I have seen a great many people recently, in terms of viewing them in the street, I believe your query is about my love life, is it not?” At Mrs. Vecchio’s nod, he smiled and continued. “Then in that sense, no, I haven’t been seeing anyone.”
“You satisfied?” Ray asked. “Who should he see? He spends all his time standing like a statue in front of the Canadian consulate or helping me catch the bad guys. He’s got a full life and no time for romance, Ma.”
“Everyone should make time for romance,” Francesca simpered from across the table. “A man should have a good woman to look after him and keep him from getting lonely at night.”
“Well, that’s a nice theory,” Fraser said, “but you see, I have a wolf. Diefenbaker is excellent company.”
Ray filled the rare moment of silence at the table with a heartfelt roll of his eyes. Then the moment was gone and everyone started talking over each other, except for Ray who smiled and winked at Fraser before re-entering the fray.
In that moment, Benton Fraser decided that come what may, he had to bring the issue up.
*****
Of course, making the decision and acting on it were two different things. As much as Fraser felt it was important - even necessary - to say something, the opportunity never seemed to present itself.
Every time that seemed good turned bad. A break came in a case or someone interrupted the conversation or Ray would suddenly discover something he needed to do immediately - and alone.
It had been more than a week when Ray swept into the squad room, a dirtbag in cuffs before him, to find a note waiting on his desk. As soon as he’d dealt with his perp, he read the note. Fraser, of course. Ray looked around until he found Diefenbaker.
“Tell Benny I’ll be there at quitting time,” he told the wolf.
He watched Dief trot off with the message, then sat and sighed. This was not something he was looking forward to.
*****
Ray checked his watch before he left his car. If he was off by as little as ten seconds, he knew Fraser wouldn’t so much as twitch a muscle. Five seconds to go. Close enough. By the time he got to Fraser’s post, talk would no longer be futile.
“Okay, so I’m here, Fraser,” he said as he approached the Mountie. “What’s the huge thing that couldn’t wait until the next time we happened into each other?” He waited patiently, but got no reply. “Fraser? Hey, Benny, come on, your shift is over. Time to talk.”
Fraser continued to stand at attention for another fifteen seconds. Finally the clock chimed the hour, He removed his hat, placed it under his arm, immediately turned, and began walking down the block to the right.
“Let’s get some coffee, Ray,” he said. “We have something we need to discuss.”
“No! No, I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me what this is all about.”
“Trust me, Ray, you’re going to want to be sitting down. I also think the pavement in front of the Canadian consulate is a bit more public than I’m comfortable with for this conversation.”
“So the sidewalk’s too public, but a coffeehouse is private enough?”
“Not really. I thought we could take the coffee back to my apartment and talk there.”
Ray almost had to run to catch up by this point.
“Could you just stop and tell me what this is all about, Benny?” he called.
Fraser came to a halt. He looked hard at Ray for a long moment, then pulled him into an alleyway.
“All right,” he said. “Ray, I have an obligation to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you. Now I know this complicates both our friendship and our working relationship, but I’ve considered the matter carefully and it’s best that you’re aware of my feelings.”
Ray looked around himself. The empty crates, overflowing garbage cans, and odor of the rotting contents of said crates and garbage cans assailed his nose.
“I’ll give you this, Fraser, you really know how to pick a romantic spot,” he said. “What the hell do you mean you’re in love with me?”
“I would have thought the expression was self-explanatory, Ray.”
“What about my sister?”
“What about your sister? Which one?”
“Francesca who has only been pursuing you since the first day she laid eyes on you! Francesca who showed up in your apartment not two weeks ago showing more of herself than I’m comfortable thinking about, and who you still haven’t told me whether you slept with her or not because of your damn chivalry clause! That’s the sister I’m talking about!”
“Well, Ray, the confusion was understandable. If you’d just said Francesca instead of sister, I wouldn’t have had to ask.”
“And now you tell me you’re in love with me! Is my mother next? Are you going to work your way through the family?”
“Of course not, Ray. Your mother - though a very fine woman, of course - has never been the cause of one stray impure thought in my mind.”
“But Francesca’s not off limits, is she?”
“Ray, I explained about that. She came to me. I never made any effort to get her to do that.”
“And you know what the worst thing is, you son of a bitch? I know that’s true!”
“If you know it’s true, why are you getting so excited?”
“Because I still can’t believe neither one of you will tell me what happened that night and it’s driving me nuts!”
“Is that all?”
“I gotta tell you, I’m not sleeping with someone my sister has slept with. Also, I’m not too crazy about being propositioned by someone who slept with my kid sister.”
“Ray, I’ve explained about the code of chivalry to you. I can’t say anything, one way or the other. But if it helps, you haven’t been propositioned by someone who has any specific intention of sleeping with your sister in the future. Does that help?”
“Not very much, no,” Ray said wearily. “But it’s about what I expected.”
“I’m afraid it’s all I can properly say. Unless Francesca chooses to reveal what happened, there’s nothing I can say about it.”
Ray leaned against the wall and kicked a bit of stray newspaper off his shoe.
“Doesn’t matter, anyway,” he muttered.
“What was that, Ray?”
“I said it doesn’t matter, Fraser. Okay, it does matter to me, but not to my answer about this. The answer’s still no.”
Fraser sighed.
“Ah,” he said. “I see. Well, I’m sorry to have troubled you, Ray.” He replaced his hat firmly on his head. “I won’t mention it again.”
“No, you don’t see, Benny,” Ray said. “You never see this stuff. It’s the only spot where you’re completely blind.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’m not turning you down because of what you did or didn’t do to Franny,” Ray said. “You’re both adults. What you do is up to the two of you. You’re right. It isn’t my business, no matter how much I want to know or how much I don’t want it to have happened. I’m not even turning you down because I don’t want to say yes.”
“Well, if you want to say yes, then why don’t you? I assure you, my intentions are completely honorable. I know we can’t get married right now, but perhaps in time the laws will change, and one of our countries will offer us that option. But I am willing to make any legal agreement, sign any document, perform any ritual that will make you comfortable with being my life partner.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Benny! Hold your horses a minute, there!” Ray raised his arms in protest. “You ask me for a first date today and you expect me to be ready to settle down and get married? Isn’t that a little fast even for you?”
“I simply wanted to make sure you knew that while my love for you certainly includes a physical element, this isn’t just about sex.” Fraser furrowed his brow. “In fact, I had more or less thought we might take our time with that aspect. I’m familiar, of course, with the theoretical activities involved, but I have no practical experience, and I have no idea whether you have any practical experience with them, either. Taking things slowly seemed the best way.”
“You had it all planned out, didn’t you?”
“A considered plan seemed appropriate in this case.”
“Propositioning your partner seemed appropriate?”
“Put like that, it does sound a great deal less proper than I meant it to be. I wasn’t thinking about you as a working partner, though I did take that into consideration. Mostly, I was thinking that for the first time in my life, I’m completely, utterly, passionately in love. I wanted you to know that, and hoped you might share my feelings. Do you? Do you share my feelings?”
Ray chuckled mirthlessly.
“God help me, Benny, I do,” he said. “I see you in that perfect, spotless uniform and all I want to do is muss it up until you beg for mercy with those beautiful lips of yours. But I can’t do it.”
“May I ask why?”
“Because that’s not what good Italian Catholic boys do, Fraser,” Ray bellowed. “I can’t do this. I’m tempted; God knows I’m as tempted as Francesca. You bring that out in us. But I have to resist, and I’m going to resist. So get behind me, you good looking devil, ‘cause I ain’t giving in to you.”
“Ray, my father told me just one thing about love…well, two things actually,” Fraser said. “The first one, well, that one doesn’t matter. But the second thing he said was ‘it’s better to be honest with yourself and an outcast than follow the crowd and never know who you really are.’ I know this wouldn’t be easy. But it would be honest.”
“That’s what your old man said about love, huh? It’s a good thing you didn’t ask him anything about scuba diving, because he might have given you a recipe for manicotti!”
Ray snorted in disgust and started out of the alley.
“Ray, please,” Fraser said quietly. “Please don’t walk away without telling me why you’d turn your back on true love.”
The silence in the alley was deafening. Ray stood stock still with his hands in his pockets. At last he turned and looked at Fraser.
“My father told me something about love, too, Benny. He said ‘if you turn out to be a goddamn faggot, I’ll bust your chops.’ I never forgot it.”
“And that’s why you can’t be with me?”
“Nah. It’s just something my father said. But I learned something from it. I learned what I do, who I do it with; it’s not just about me. It’s about the family. It would break my mother’s heart if she figured out that I wouldn’t ever give her grandkids. And there’s my kid sister, who you may or may not have slept with. What the hell do you think it would do to her if she found out the reason she gets nowhere with you is you think I’m sexier? She’s my sister. I don’t hurt my sister that way. I can’t. Don’t ask me to do that to my kid sister. Not to Franny.”
“But Ray, you’ll be living a lie.”
“Sort of like the one you’re living where you never said you turned my sister down flat.”
Fraser looked down.
“Technically, that wasn’t living a lie. It was chivalrously not telling what happened or did not happen.”
“You’d never sleep with her if you were in love with me, though, would you?”
With a wry smile, Fraser looked up again.
“I think you already know the answer to that one, Ray.”
“It wouldn’t be chivalrous, right?”
“No, in fact it would be the act of a cad.”
“Sort of like it would be the act of a cod for a guy to sleep with the guy his sister’s crazy over, even after he wouldn’t sleep with her.”
“That’s a cad, Ray, not a cod. A cod is a fish.”
“See? That’s another reason. You’d always be telling me stuff like that and it’d drive me crazy.” He walked back to where Fraser still stood looking forlorn. “Look, I’d love to be able to say yes, but I gotta say no. I just can’t be that part of who I am.”
“But can you really hide that forever?”
“There speaks a man who is not Catholic. Did you see how long it took Gallileo to get an apology? We can repress forever, if we have to. What’s more, we often do. See, we’ve got a code of chivalry, too. It’s not like yours, but it works for me. But hey, I didn’t get your code, either.”
“And you’d really give up your own happiness rather than hurt your sister?”
“Like I said, I don’t expect you to get it.”
“But I do.”
Ray looked startled. Fraser smiled softly at him.
“I may not have a sister,” Fraser said, “but if I did, I wouldn’t want her hurt, either. Especially if she was anything like Francesca.”
Ray nodded.
“She’s a good kid. Doesn’t know how not to get her heart broken, but she’s good.”
“That’s very true, on both counts. Well, I won’t keep you, Ray.”
“Look, this doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.”
“No, of course not.”
“And we can still work cases together. Chicago’s got a lot of scum that needs cleaning up.”
“Absolutely. But Ray?”
“Yeah?”
“I may need a couple days. Before.”
“Sure. Take whatever time you need. I’ll see you down at the station when you’re ready.”
He was almost out of the alley when he heard it.
“Thank you kindly, Ray.”
Ray stopped, stiffened, then swept around and headed back to where Fraser stood.
“Okay, that did it,” he said.
He grabbed Fraser’s cheeks in his hand and kissed him hungrily. After a moment of stunned surprise, Fraser wrapped his arms around Ray and kissed him back. Both did their best to pour every ounce of love they shared into that one moment. When it ended, Ray rested his forehead against Fraser’s nose and ran a hand over the nape of Fraser’s neck.
“You make life so damn hard for me, Benny. Why do you have to make it so hard?”
“I really don’t mean to, Ray.”
“I know that, you son of a bitch. And that’s how you do it, too.”
He pressed a final soft kiss to Fraser’s lips, then turned and walked away without a backward glance.
“Don’t forget,” he called back. “Ma wants you to come over for dinner again next Thursday. She says you don’t eat enough.”
“Thank her for me, and tell her I’ll be there.”
*****
“So you see, Diefenbaker, Ray has a code of honor that won’t allow him to accept my proposal,” Fraser said sadly.
Diefenbaker whined.
“You know that’s not true, Dief. It’s important for a man to stand by his principles.”
The wolf sat down next to Fraser, nudged his hand and rested his chin on one jodhpur-clad thigh. Fraser distractedly petted Diefenbaker. He really was excellent company, but he wasn’t Ray.
THE END
Title: Code of Honor
Author: Gileswench
Contact: gileswench@yahoo.com
Date: 10/29/07
Spoilers: Set immediately after Heaven and Earth
Summary: Honor and romance seldom compliment one another.
Rating: FRT a couple rude words, mostly, and a tiny touch of angst.
Pairing: Fraser/RayV
Distribution: If you've had my permission in the past, you have it now. All others, ask and ye shall receive.
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Paul Haggis, Paul Gross, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun the creators won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
Notes: Thanks to Fabrisse for the quick and remarkably painless beta to a first-timer in the fandom. Apologies to Malnpudl for not choosing the Ray she hoped I would.
Benton Fraser would be the first to admit that he found some concepts more difficult to grasp than others. He would also readily admit that sex and romance were things he seemed to think about less than those around him.
On the other hand, once a concept was brought to the fore of his mind, whether by circumstance or deliberate consideration, it tended to stay very firmly in that place, resisting all efforts to change or ignore it.
Despite all that, one warm spring evening Benton Fraser found himself thinking about Ray Vecchio in a way he never had before and completely unable to stop. He frowned to himself and ruffled Diefenbaker’s soft coat. The wolf nuzzled his hand and looked at him. Fraser looked back.
“I’m not telling him,” he said firmly. “I don’t have any reason to think he’d be interested.”
Diefenbaker whined, turned, and walked away to a corner of the room. He glared once at Fraser, then lay down and rested his chin on his own forepaws.
“It’s no good being like that,” Fraser said. “It doesn’t change circumstances. Just because I feel this way doesn’t mean he does.”
The wolf yawned.
“No, I’m not going to ask him, either. It wouldn’t be appropriate.”
A snort from Diefenbaker’s corner made Fraser sigh.
“I don’t think there’s anyone else, no, but that doesn’t change anything, either. This is complicated. There would be repercussions for both our careers. There would be compromises to be made - ones I’m not certain I’m ready to make. Worst of all, it could destroy our friendship. Do I really have the right to risk that for what could turn out to be infatuation on my part? Dief? Do I have that right?”
He turned to the wolf again. Diefenbaker was out like a light. Fraser sighed, lay down on his bedroll, and tried to go to sleep.
*****
As the days passed, Fraser continued to wrestle with the problem. Diefenbaker continued to encourage him to speak out, but prudence indicated that speaking might be a bad choice.
It was about a week after the first night he’d considered the question that Fraser found himself sitting down to another family dinner at the Vecchio house. As usual, a rancorous cacophony swept around the table, punctuated by Francesca’s sighs and Ray’s plaintive cries of ‘Ma!’ In the middle of it all, Mrs. Vecchio shushed Ray yet again, turned to Fraser, and asked the fatal question.
“So have you been seeing anyone recently?”
“Ma! What are you asking? Ignore her, Benny. You don’t have to answer that. You’ve got Miranda rights.”
“It’s a perfectly fair question, Ray,” Fraser said. He turned to Mrs. Vecchio. “While I have seen a great many people recently, in terms of viewing them in the street, I believe your query is about my love life, is it not?” At Mrs. Vecchio’s nod, he smiled and continued. “Then in that sense, no, I haven’t been seeing anyone.”
“You satisfied?” Ray asked. “Who should he see? He spends all his time standing like a statue in front of the Canadian consulate or helping me catch the bad guys. He’s got a full life and no time for romance, Ma.”
“Everyone should make time for romance,” Francesca simpered from across the table. “A man should have a good woman to look after him and keep him from getting lonely at night.”
“Well, that’s a nice theory,” Fraser said, “but you see, I have a wolf. Diefenbaker is excellent company.”
Ray filled the rare moment of silence at the table with a heartfelt roll of his eyes. Then the moment was gone and everyone started talking over each other, except for Ray who smiled and winked at Fraser before re-entering the fray.
In that moment, Benton Fraser decided that come what may, he had to bring the issue up.
*****
Of course, making the decision and acting on it were two different things. As much as Fraser felt it was important - even necessary - to say something, the opportunity never seemed to present itself.
Every time that seemed good turned bad. A break came in a case or someone interrupted the conversation or Ray would suddenly discover something he needed to do immediately - and alone.
It had been more than a week when Ray swept into the squad room, a dirtbag in cuffs before him, to find a note waiting on his desk. As soon as he’d dealt with his perp, he read the note. Fraser, of course. Ray looked around until he found Diefenbaker.
“Tell Benny I’ll be there at quitting time,” he told the wolf.
He watched Dief trot off with the message, then sat and sighed. This was not something he was looking forward to.
*****
Ray checked his watch before he left his car. If he was off by as little as ten seconds, he knew Fraser wouldn’t so much as twitch a muscle. Five seconds to go. Close enough. By the time he got to Fraser’s post, talk would no longer be futile.
“Okay, so I’m here, Fraser,” he said as he approached the Mountie. “What’s the huge thing that couldn’t wait until the next time we happened into each other?” He waited patiently, but got no reply. “Fraser? Hey, Benny, come on, your shift is over. Time to talk.”
Fraser continued to stand at attention for another fifteen seconds. Finally the clock chimed the hour, He removed his hat, placed it under his arm, immediately turned, and began walking down the block to the right.
“Let’s get some coffee, Ray,” he said. “We have something we need to discuss.”
“No! No, I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me what this is all about.”
“Trust me, Ray, you’re going to want to be sitting down. I also think the pavement in front of the Canadian consulate is a bit more public than I’m comfortable with for this conversation.”
“So the sidewalk’s too public, but a coffeehouse is private enough?”
“Not really. I thought we could take the coffee back to my apartment and talk there.”
Ray almost had to run to catch up by this point.
“Could you just stop and tell me what this is all about, Benny?” he called.
Fraser came to a halt. He looked hard at Ray for a long moment, then pulled him into an alleyway.
“All right,” he said. “Ray, I have an obligation to tell you that I’ve fallen in love with you. Now I know this complicates both our friendship and our working relationship, but I’ve considered the matter carefully and it’s best that you’re aware of my feelings.”
Ray looked around himself. The empty crates, overflowing garbage cans, and odor of the rotting contents of said crates and garbage cans assailed his nose.
“I’ll give you this, Fraser, you really know how to pick a romantic spot,” he said. “What the hell do you mean you’re in love with me?”
“I would have thought the expression was self-explanatory, Ray.”
“What about my sister?”
“What about your sister? Which one?”
“Francesca who has only been pursuing you since the first day she laid eyes on you! Francesca who showed up in your apartment not two weeks ago showing more of herself than I’m comfortable thinking about, and who you still haven’t told me whether you slept with her or not because of your damn chivalry clause! That’s the sister I’m talking about!”
“Well, Ray, the confusion was understandable. If you’d just said Francesca instead of sister, I wouldn’t have had to ask.”
“And now you tell me you’re in love with me! Is my mother next? Are you going to work your way through the family?”
“Of course not, Ray. Your mother - though a very fine woman, of course - has never been the cause of one stray impure thought in my mind.”
“But Francesca’s not off limits, is she?”
“Ray, I explained about that. She came to me. I never made any effort to get her to do that.”
“And you know what the worst thing is, you son of a bitch? I know that’s true!”
“If you know it’s true, why are you getting so excited?”
“Because I still can’t believe neither one of you will tell me what happened that night and it’s driving me nuts!”
“Is that all?”
“I gotta tell you, I’m not sleeping with someone my sister has slept with. Also, I’m not too crazy about being propositioned by someone who slept with my kid sister.”
“Ray, I’ve explained about the code of chivalry to you. I can’t say anything, one way or the other. But if it helps, you haven’t been propositioned by someone who has any specific intention of sleeping with your sister in the future. Does that help?”
“Not very much, no,” Ray said wearily. “But it’s about what I expected.”
“I’m afraid it’s all I can properly say. Unless Francesca chooses to reveal what happened, there’s nothing I can say about it.”
Ray leaned against the wall and kicked a bit of stray newspaper off his shoe.
“Doesn’t matter, anyway,” he muttered.
“What was that, Ray?”
“I said it doesn’t matter, Fraser. Okay, it does matter to me, but not to my answer about this. The answer’s still no.”
Fraser sighed.
“Ah,” he said. “I see. Well, I’m sorry to have troubled you, Ray.” He replaced his hat firmly on his head. “I won’t mention it again.”
“No, you don’t see, Benny,” Ray said. “You never see this stuff. It’s the only spot where you’re completely blind.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’m not turning you down because of what you did or didn’t do to Franny,” Ray said. “You’re both adults. What you do is up to the two of you. You’re right. It isn’t my business, no matter how much I want to know or how much I don’t want it to have happened. I’m not even turning you down because I don’t want to say yes.”
“Well, if you want to say yes, then why don’t you? I assure you, my intentions are completely honorable. I know we can’t get married right now, but perhaps in time the laws will change, and one of our countries will offer us that option. But I am willing to make any legal agreement, sign any document, perform any ritual that will make you comfortable with being my life partner.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Benny! Hold your horses a minute, there!” Ray raised his arms in protest. “You ask me for a first date today and you expect me to be ready to settle down and get married? Isn’t that a little fast even for you?”
“I simply wanted to make sure you knew that while my love for you certainly includes a physical element, this isn’t just about sex.” Fraser furrowed his brow. “In fact, I had more or less thought we might take our time with that aspect. I’m familiar, of course, with the theoretical activities involved, but I have no practical experience, and I have no idea whether you have any practical experience with them, either. Taking things slowly seemed the best way.”
“You had it all planned out, didn’t you?”
“A considered plan seemed appropriate in this case.”
“Propositioning your partner seemed appropriate?”
“Put like that, it does sound a great deal less proper than I meant it to be. I wasn’t thinking about you as a working partner, though I did take that into consideration. Mostly, I was thinking that for the first time in my life, I’m completely, utterly, passionately in love. I wanted you to know that, and hoped you might share my feelings. Do you? Do you share my feelings?”
Ray chuckled mirthlessly.
“God help me, Benny, I do,” he said. “I see you in that perfect, spotless uniform and all I want to do is muss it up until you beg for mercy with those beautiful lips of yours. But I can’t do it.”
“May I ask why?”
“Because that’s not what good Italian Catholic boys do, Fraser,” Ray bellowed. “I can’t do this. I’m tempted; God knows I’m as tempted as Francesca. You bring that out in us. But I have to resist, and I’m going to resist. So get behind me, you good looking devil, ‘cause I ain’t giving in to you.”
“Ray, my father told me just one thing about love…well, two things actually,” Fraser said. “The first one, well, that one doesn’t matter. But the second thing he said was ‘it’s better to be honest with yourself and an outcast than follow the crowd and never know who you really are.’ I know this wouldn’t be easy. But it would be honest.”
“That’s what your old man said about love, huh? It’s a good thing you didn’t ask him anything about scuba diving, because he might have given you a recipe for manicotti!”
Ray snorted in disgust and started out of the alley.
“Ray, please,” Fraser said quietly. “Please don’t walk away without telling me why you’d turn your back on true love.”
The silence in the alley was deafening. Ray stood stock still with his hands in his pockets. At last he turned and looked at Fraser.
“My father told me something about love, too, Benny. He said ‘if you turn out to be a goddamn faggot, I’ll bust your chops.’ I never forgot it.”
“And that’s why you can’t be with me?”
“Nah. It’s just something my father said. But I learned something from it. I learned what I do, who I do it with; it’s not just about me. It’s about the family. It would break my mother’s heart if she figured out that I wouldn’t ever give her grandkids. And there’s my kid sister, who you may or may not have slept with. What the hell do you think it would do to her if she found out the reason she gets nowhere with you is you think I’m sexier? She’s my sister. I don’t hurt my sister that way. I can’t. Don’t ask me to do that to my kid sister. Not to Franny.”
“But Ray, you’ll be living a lie.”
“Sort of like the one you’re living where you never said you turned my sister down flat.”
Fraser looked down.
“Technically, that wasn’t living a lie. It was chivalrously not telling what happened or did not happen.”
“You’d never sleep with her if you were in love with me, though, would you?”
With a wry smile, Fraser looked up again.
“I think you already know the answer to that one, Ray.”
“It wouldn’t be chivalrous, right?”
“No, in fact it would be the act of a cad.”
“Sort of like it would be the act of a cod for a guy to sleep with the guy his sister’s crazy over, even after he wouldn’t sleep with her.”
“That’s a cad, Ray, not a cod. A cod is a fish.”
“See? That’s another reason. You’d always be telling me stuff like that and it’d drive me crazy.” He walked back to where Fraser still stood looking forlorn. “Look, I’d love to be able to say yes, but I gotta say no. I just can’t be that part of who I am.”
“But can you really hide that forever?”
“There speaks a man who is not Catholic. Did you see how long it took Gallileo to get an apology? We can repress forever, if we have to. What’s more, we often do. See, we’ve got a code of chivalry, too. It’s not like yours, but it works for me. But hey, I didn’t get your code, either.”
“And you’d really give up your own happiness rather than hurt your sister?”
“Like I said, I don’t expect you to get it.”
“But I do.”
Ray looked startled. Fraser smiled softly at him.
“I may not have a sister,” Fraser said, “but if I did, I wouldn’t want her hurt, either. Especially if she was anything like Francesca.”
Ray nodded.
“She’s a good kid. Doesn’t know how not to get her heart broken, but she’s good.”
“That’s very true, on both counts. Well, I won’t keep you, Ray.”
“Look, this doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends.”
“No, of course not.”
“And we can still work cases together. Chicago’s got a lot of scum that needs cleaning up.”
“Absolutely. But Ray?”
“Yeah?”
“I may need a couple days. Before.”
“Sure. Take whatever time you need. I’ll see you down at the station when you’re ready.”
He was almost out of the alley when he heard it.
“Thank you kindly, Ray.”
Ray stopped, stiffened, then swept around and headed back to where Fraser stood.
“Okay, that did it,” he said.
He grabbed Fraser’s cheeks in his hand and kissed him hungrily. After a moment of stunned surprise, Fraser wrapped his arms around Ray and kissed him back. Both did their best to pour every ounce of love they shared into that one moment. When it ended, Ray rested his forehead against Fraser’s nose and ran a hand over the nape of Fraser’s neck.
“You make life so damn hard for me, Benny. Why do you have to make it so hard?”
“I really don’t mean to, Ray.”
“I know that, you son of a bitch. And that’s how you do it, too.”
He pressed a final soft kiss to Fraser’s lips, then turned and walked away without a backward glance.
“Don’t forget,” he called back. “Ma wants you to come over for dinner again next Thursday. She says you don’t eat enough.”
“Thank her for me, and tell her I’ll be there.”
*****
“So you see, Diefenbaker, Ray has a code of honor that won’t allow him to accept my proposal,” Fraser said sadly.
Diefenbaker whined.
“You know that’s not true, Dief. It’s important for a man to stand by his principles.”
The wolf sat down next to Fraser, nudged his hand and rested his chin on one jodhpur-clad thigh. Fraser distractedly petted Diefenbaker. He really was excellent company, but he wasn’t Ray.
THE END