(no subject)
I am almost 21 and 1 week old now, and I think I'm having an
Who the fuck am I after skating is over?
Thinking about retiring makes me want to cry. But I dont think I can tolerate another season of training. I'm not sure its in me, at least not with Alex. and Honestly, I don't think it would be better anywhere else. I'm never going to be good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, expressive enough. I don't think I could make team USA.
Saying all of this, I'm not really sure what parts of skating i want to hold onto. Do i want to do shows and travel? Do i want to do ice theatre of new york if they'll take me? Do i want to coach? Judge? Be a technical specialist? am i going to miss competing, or be happier without it?
and i say i dont want to train anymore, but i think i will miss training. being physically active, dancing, being in a rink, working out, working with people...
i'm scared.
I've done a lot of things with skating that i'm proud of. I finally got to go to big nationals, and I get to do it again this year, and i want it to be perfect......
what am i going to accomplish after skating? who am i going to be? i dont even know if i want to be a doctor anymore. i hate bio this semester. i like chem a lot but i dont think i'd be happy working in a lab. i'm really confused. i'm trying to transfer schools but i dont know what major to check off. i'm 21, most people i know are almost done with school, and i'm currently a "sophomore"
i think a lot about my family recently. how much i love them, even though i barely talk to my brother, and i'm not that close with my parents.
for some reason, i worry a lot about having enough time with them. i worry a lot about my friends too. i dont want to lose them.
i feel so out of sorts. ive always had some sort of plan, and now i'm trying to make one but i cant seem to put pieces together at all.
Who the fuck am I after skating is over?
Thinking about retiring makes me want to cry. But I dont think I can tolerate another season of training. I'm not sure its in me, at least not with Alex. and Honestly, I don't think it would be better anywhere else. I'm never going to be good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, expressive enough. I don't think I could make team USA.
Saying all of this, I'm not really sure what parts of skating i want to hold onto. Do i want to do shows and travel? Do i want to do ice theatre of new york if they'll take me? Do i want to coach? Judge? Be a technical specialist? am i going to miss competing, or be happier without it?
and i say i dont want to train anymore, but i think i will miss training. being physically active, dancing, being in a rink, working out, working with people...
i'm scared.
I've done a lot of things with skating that i'm proud of. I finally got to go to big nationals, and I get to do it again this year, and i want it to be perfect......
what am i going to accomplish after skating? who am i going to be? i dont even know if i want to be a doctor anymore. i hate bio this semester. i like chem a lot but i dont think i'd be happy working in a lab. i'm really confused. i'm trying to transfer schools but i dont know what major to check off. i'm 21, most people i know are almost done with school, and i'm currently a "sophomore"
i think a lot about my family recently. how much i love them, even though i barely talk to my brother, and i'm not that close with my parents.
for some reason, i worry a lot about having enough time with them. i worry a lot about my friends too. i dont want to lose them.
i feel so out of sorts. ive always had some sort of plan, and now i'm trying to make one but i cant seem to put pieces together at all.