I'm Not gonna fuck up.
Double edged and super blue
vertically letting the life from you
casting a new darkness through the room
Angels lay their odds on you
know not quite what they should do
only that they can't quite tear themselves from the view
- Blake Schwarzenbach, Jets to brazil -
I have been doing a lot of looking back on the past in my life - and I have found nothing but regret and pain, and unsure feelings and what not. I don't know what my problem is- whenever I see something I need in my life and I should want more than anything- I screw it up and It never works out the way It probably should. I don't know what got me thinking so much on the past and my mistakes, but I have lately- and I hate myself for my past.
I have had a few relationships in the past that I know could have been really special if I would have just worked more at them and given more of a crap than I did at the time. Now look where I am. They have brought me know where further on, all they ended up were just dreams and figments of the past because of what I chose to do when the time came. So how should I feel about them- should I just chalk it up to it being life and just having made mistakes that I can grow by in the future- I probably should be doing that; instead I eat myself up over it and think about how much I screwed up and how much I hate myself for said screw ups. I don't even know though if I would have been happy in those relationships or in situations if they had happened differently. But now I'll never know.
Now I have something that I need to not fuck up, the girl that I will NOT let get away from me in life. I fucked up too many times in the past were it meant more than the world to me deep down, this is far deeper of a love- I feel it. If I fuck this one up- I don't think I'll end up having anything to live for in life. If this one slips through my fingers cause I screw up somehow- I think my life is finished. I know this sounds kinda sick to think about- but it honestly feels like the most sane thing to me right now. I fuck up bad- I refuse to fuck it up again- This is not my only reason- for I DO love her more than words and worlds, but this is also something that I have thought about a lot and struggled with myself over.
Lots of people think I am just getting too emotional over this all- but I can't help it. This is who I am- I fuck up and I can't get it out of my mind ever again. It haunts me til the day I'll die, and I can't put it behind me. Some people might think it's dumb of me to do it, but I can't prevent it. It's part of the person I am. I hate it, but I guess I must endure such thoughts.
Well- hopefully that makes up for my lack of entries- for it's probably the most personal things that have went on with me in the last few weeks. I have been eating myself up over shit like this all my life. I fuck up and then I fuck myself over in thought for it for the rest of my life. I hate living with my mistakes, not because I am less perfect- because every mistake makes me feel shittier toward myself than I was without having had the entire experience.
I will not fuck this one up. I can't fuck this one up.
because I love her more than I love myself.