i hate how...
i hate how over the past month and a half or so....every day gets worse and worse...i hate how i cry all the time now and i cant stop...and i dont even know why im crying...i hate how i have to put up a front and pretend that everythings just peachy fuckin keen..when really....almost all i can think about is how to get myself out of this world..it seems like every smile or every laugh that comes out of me...isnt even real..i hate how i cant tell anyone because no one would understand what im going through right now..and how i feel....especially my mom...and shes the one whos SUPPOSED to understand, shes the one whos SUPPOSED to be there for me...but what i hate most of all is that i dont even know WHY im like this...i mean..i know a few reasons...but i also know theres alot more to it..i just dont know what....i hate how i dont even understand what goes on in my own fucking head. Im really beggining to wonder if i need help. I've NEVER felt this way before...not for this long...and it seems like its never going to stop. I noticed a few days ago..when i was looking in the mirror...its like..all the color is drained out of my eyes...there just this dull grey and almost lifeless looking.