(no subject)
I know a lot of this is probably not going to make a lot of sense so bare with me.I have been in a weird mood the past month at times I felt like I was on top of the worldand other times I have felt so low I thought to myself why do I even bother getting out of bed. I know a great deal of what I have been feeling has do with my Grandmother's death. It reached the 2 year anniversary mark on Septemeber 29 which happened to be on Thursday.I think that was a HUGE reason why I was acting the way I was on Thursday. I just hope my friends realize and understand what I was going through on top the other shit that I am dealing with my father and just realtionship with men in general. My grandmother was the one who raised me and it is still very hard to deal with her not being here even though she has been gone for 2 years.Amanda if you are reading this the pain eventually goes away but don't be suprised if the pain of losing your brother hits you like a ton of bricks and you won't be able to breathe because that is what happened to me on Thursday and on other days or occasions.I miss my grandmother so bad she was a huge part of my life she raised me and try to instill a lot of her values in me and I know some of them stuck. My grandmother was a great lady and I can only hope that I am making her proud. It really hurts knowing that she is gone and I am never going to be able see or speak to my grandmother again.Sometimes when I am at work somebody will be wearing her perfume and it takes everything in me not to burst in tears.I feel like I am getting cheated and she is missing out on a lot important events of my life like my high school graduation she died my senior year of high schoolI am suprised that I was able to make it through the rest of the school year without a neverous brake down but I know how important my education was to here that is why when she got sick she didn't want me going to visit her in the hospital in Tennessee, which I still feel guilty for until this day because I was never able to say goodbye to her the way I wanted to. Although my mother ,sister and other family memebers say it was a good thing that I did not see her that way because Grandma and I were so close and I have problems dealing with hospitals in the first place.I never knew this , but my mother told me that even my sister Angela broke down and cried when she saw Grandma in the hopsital and my sister holds everything in and my Uncle Steve didn't fare much better he broke down as well. I could only imagine what my reaction would of been. I remember when I did get the call that my grandmother died I will never forget.It was a day thought I got out of school elary and my boyfriend/finace at the time went to the mall that afternoon to try to get my mind off my grandmother's illness, well we got back to his house his mom told me my father called the house and he sounded very disturbed I knew before I called something was wrong.Finely when I called and found out that my grandmother was dead I collasped on floor it was like my legs were cut out from underneath me and all the air was sucked out of the room and I just let out this gut wrenching cry.My grandmother was gone and I had spent her last minutes of life at a mall when I should of been at her bedside down in Tennessee or at least that is where I thought I should be she wanted me in New York and in school so I could graduate, but I will never forgive myself for not being there in her last moments.I just hope she knew how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.I hate the fact you never realize that you need to let the people you love know that you do because before you know it they are gone and you will never get an other chance to tell them.What makes matters worse is not only did I lose my grandmother but I have also lost my gradfather he doesn't even talk to the fmaily anymore he is somewhere in Tennessee doing god only knows what I am completely and utterly alone and it is a terrifying feeling and I do not like it one bit.Everybody I love is taken away from me it never fails.
Now my Aunt Shelly is trying to make me talk to her about my grandmother and other things that are bugging me and I am just not ready for it and she doesn't seem to get that.S he just keeps pushing until the point where I would like to slap her across the face and tell her to leave me the hell alone. I will talk about it when I am ready to talk about it.
I will have to say the rest of what I need to say until an other time because my time grows short it is 11:28 pm and I have to be off the computer at 11:30 pm.
Until Next Time
Amber
Now my Aunt Shelly is trying to make me talk to her about my grandmother and other things that are bugging me and I am just not ready for it and she doesn't seem to get that.S he just keeps pushing until the point where I would like to slap her across the face and tell her to leave me the hell alone. I will talk about it when I am ready to talk about it.
I will have to say the rest of what I need to say until an other time because my time grows short it is 11:28 pm and I have to be off the computer at 11:30 pm.
Until Next Time
Amber