is this darkness of the dawn
as i was thinking about me being in a relationship i realised something. even though i generally think i am a pretty cool person, i felt sorry for the imaginary someone who'd be in a relationship with me. because they'd be stuck with me. and if they didn't have me, they could have someone much more supportive. way prettier. cooler. harder working. more fearless. kinder hearted. but it's me blocking that spot. imperfect me is all they've got.
and i know i'm overlooking the fact that they've got a choice in the matter here, and that this lovely person is choosing to be with me. but maybe that's not the point?
i think the point i'm inarticulately trying to make is that i feel like i have some work to do, because i don't think that's a cool way of looking at myself.
also, a while ago i've started doing this thing. now, you know when something comes to mind that you've done or said maybe years ago but that, even now, can almost make you blush with shame? because it was a little dumb or unintentionally mean. or.. well, for whatever reason, makes you feel embarrassed and possibly think less of yourself.
these days, when something like that comes up, instead of blushing or breathing through the embarrassment or quickly thinking of something else, i try to forgive myself. tell myself it's okay, i didn't know any better. i was just trying. whatever. it's okay. i forgive myself. i forgive you.
particularly for the tiny little things that don't matter to anyone but me. because there's nothing i can do to change them and worrying about them will only make me feel worse, for no good reason.
i mean sure, if you've really hurt someone i feel like it's a good idea to apologise to them. if there's really something you've done and you can do something about it, do it. but i'm mostly talking about things like when you've given a supremely dumb answer to a question in a room full of people and everyone heard. and there wasn't even laughter because then you could laugh with them, it was just. it was. you know?
and my little inner perfectionist hates that stuff. so i'm forgiving myself.
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