i won't stay put, give me the chance to be free
there are a few things i want to talk about, so i'll just start with the first one.
i feel like the internets eat me alive. i feel like it drains me of energy and creativity. it brings me joy, but a certain kind of joy. a superficial joy - when it's not from being in touch with people directly, that is. (and even when it is, maybe?) it's not the soul-buzzing joy that for example painting can give me. or dancing. or writing. it feels.. hollow, i guess. and i hate that. it makes me feel like a shell of a person. i don't feel like i'm properly inside my body, i feel like i'm just inside my head. i don't feel like i can form proper thoughts, probably because i don't do a whole lot of thinking at all. when i'm staring at my phone i'm not present in the moment. i'm somewhere else, lost in a world that's not even really there.
and essentially, i don't think all this is making me very happy. so i'm writing this to remind myself to make a conscious effort to not be glued to my phone all the time. to not spend hours listlessly staring at my laptop screen. to instead move out into the world, even if the world is just my room. i can just be in my room, as long as i'm present. even staring off into the distance is better than staring at some screen. that's not being present, but that's giving my head some space. and i'm thinking that might be better.
and as long as i'm writing to remind myself, i want to go back to vegetarianism. veganism would be a nice goal, but that's pushing the bar up a bit too high, so let's see how far i can get with this. it's not like i eat a lot of meat now, generally i eat vegetarian dinners except for when i'm at my parent's house, but i put meat on most of my sandwiches. i haven't really been comfortable with this in... probably years, so let's see if i can change it.
(can i add a little note of mourning? i love bacon. love bacon. so i'm going to miss the bacon. bye bye, wonderful bacon.)
i feel like the internets eat me alive. i feel like it drains me of energy and creativity. it brings me joy, but a certain kind of joy. a superficial joy - when it's not from being in touch with people directly, that is. (and even when it is, maybe?) it's not the soul-buzzing joy that for example painting can give me. or dancing. or writing. it feels.. hollow, i guess. and i hate that. it makes me feel like a shell of a person. i don't feel like i'm properly inside my body, i feel like i'm just inside my head. i don't feel like i can form proper thoughts, probably because i don't do a whole lot of thinking at all. when i'm staring at my phone i'm not present in the moment. i'm somewhere else, lost in a world that's not even really there.
and essentially, i don't think all this is making me very happy. so i'm writing this to remind myself to make a conscious effort to not be glued to my phone all the time. to not spend hours listlessly staring at my laptop screen. to instead move out into the world, even if the world is just my room. i can just be in my room, as long as i'm present. even staring off into the distance is better than staring at some screen. that's not being present, but that's giving my head some space. and i'm thinking that might be better.
and as long as i'm writing to remind myself, i want to go back to vegetarianism. veganism would be a nice goal, but that's pushing the bar up a bit too high, so let's see how far i can get with this. it's not like i eat a lot of meat now, generally i eat vegetarian dinners except for when i'm at my parent's house, but i put meat on most of my sandwiches. i haven't really been comfortable with this in... probably years, so let's see if i can change it.
(can i add a little note of mourning? i love bacon. love bacon. so i'm going to miss the bacon. bye bye, wonderful bacon.)