and (jesus christ i should stop typing) i definitely think all this is one of the reasons why i was so reactant in high school. i remember in the first year, we were doing this test, and the word "come" [klaarkomen] was in there, in a really mundane sentence, of course, nothing sexual at all, but the boys started giggling and sneering about it, and i was sitting there going fuck, i don't get it but at the same time i did get it and it made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed, that they were all.. doing that kind of stuff. and i felt vulnerable, not being in that [what i now know to be childish but then mistook for being more grown-up] frame of mind whatsoever, and i kind of knew that i was either going to be the one being picked on unless i dammed myself in against that sort of stuff. so i grew to be the hot-headed, hostile, reactant child i was in those first few years. there was more to it, but this was part of it. definitely. it was kill or be killed. it was a defence mechanism that kicked in before i really needed it. and then that part of me died when lucas died, because then suddenly the world became an actual world in which seriously serious things happened. i sometimes think of his death as my 'loss of innocence' moment, but the loss of actual innocence the way people usually mean it came long before that. probably in that fucking dorm room with those horrible kids staring at me. (i screamed at one and punched her in the face later that week.) this was more.. the loss of childishness. the loss of consequencelessness.
and now i'm done with all that, and now i'm slightly nostalgic about my childhood - not in the people who long for their childhood way, but in the hey, it was good, it felt good way - and still slightly embittered about my high school years. i wonder i what way i'll be looking back on my undergrad years, five years from now. a vague eternal dissatisfaction, but interspersed with some hellishly good times, i think. yes.
/dissertation
oh my god i am so sorry lj wouldn't post it at once. i totally understand if you don't read all this stortvloed-stream of consciousness, i don't know what got into me.
and (jesus christ i should stop typing) i definitely think all this is one of the reasons why i was so reactant in high school. i remember in the first year, we were doing this test, and the word "come" [klaarkomen] was in there, in a really mundane sentence, of course, nothing sexual at all, but the boys started giggling and sneering about it, and i was sitting there going fuck, i don't get it but at the same time i did get it and it made me feel really uncomfortable and exposed, that they were all.. doing that kind of stuff. and i felt vulnerable, not being in that [what i now know to be childish but then mistook for being more grown-up] frame of mind whatsoever, and i kind of knew that i was either going to be the one being picked on unless i dammed myself in against that sort of stuff. so i grew to be the hot-headed, hostile, reactant child i was in those first few years. there was more to it, but this was part of it. definitely. it was kill or be killed. it was a defence mechanism that kicked in before i really needed it. and then that part of me died when lucas died, because then suddenly the world became an actual world in which seriously serious things happened. i sometimes think of his death as my 'loss of innocence' moment, but the loss of actual innocence the way people usually mean it came long before that. probably in that fucking dorm room with those horrible kids staring at me. (i screamed at one and punched her in the face later that week.) this was more.. the loss of childishness. the loss of consequencelessness.
and now i'm done with all that, and now i'm slightly nostalgic about my childhood - not in the people who long for their childhood way, but in the hey, it was good, it felt good way - and still slightly embittered about my high school years. i wonder i what way i'll be looking back on my undergrad years, five years from now. a vague eternal dissatisfaction, but interspersed with some hellishly good times, i think. yes.
/dissertation
oh my god i am so sorry lj wouldn't post it at once. i totally understand if you don't read all this stortvloed-stream of consciousness, i don't know what got into me.
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