Strange Dreams
I've been having really weird dreams lately. For the most part I don't get more than a couple of hours of good sleep a night (induced by muscle relaxers). Pretty much every night I wake up between 2 and 2:30am and from them on I'm in and out of sleep (if you can call it that), it's the kind of sleep where you sleep for a few minutes having a dream that feels like it lasted a year then wake up to find you've only been asleep for like 5 minutes.
Last night the dreams were really messed up, like total destruction, everything out of control. I remember one where I was working in some sort of store when a tornado came through and I was just trying to keep from being ripped away, holding onto anything I could to stay. Then in another dream I was driving a car and I kept running over people and things, but I couldn't seem to stop. I wanted to stop and I was so horrified at what was happening that I actually had the thought in the dream of "I hope this is just a dream, please let this just be a dream".
I can't help but think it's how I feel about my life. Everything is being ripped away from me and I'm trying to hold on to any last vestige of normality... yet I'm out of control and I'm killing everything. I want things the way they used to be. I want to enjoy what I do and be happy. I want to paint (I've painted like 3 times in the last year and only one of those was a painting I did on my own, the other two were classes). I can't seem to enjoy anything anymore.
Tunica this last weekend was a nice escape. We left on Friday just before noon. After getting lost trying to find our hotel we found it at about 5:30. Since the trip was unplanned I hadn't really looked up poker tournaments or anything and the only one going on Friday night that we could make it to was at a casino that neither of us cared to play at again. We ended up going to the comedy club at Harrahs and then playing Blackjack + 3card poker, which thanks to a great dealer was a lot of fun, we left up $80. We got back to the hotel at like 1am and I think that was the best nights sleep I've gotten in weeks (or longer), and we were still up by 9am. Saturday, we played in a small tourny at Harrah's - we both sucked. I played some video Blackjack while I waited on Paul to get put out and left that up $30. Dinner. Then we went to try to play another cheap tourny but got there too late, so we played some more BJ+3. The dealer sucked, so we ended up at a regular BJ table with the dealer from the previous night. I still did crappy but at least we had fun. We were back at the hotel by 9:30, worn out. Again I slept. Sunday we got up, had breakfast and came home. When I got home my brain was working (for a change) so I installed our new modem that had been waiting on me for almost a week. Sad that something so simple was something that I couldn't even fathom doing earlier in the week. I got about 2 hours out of my brain before both it and my body told me I was totally exhausted, so I crawled into bed at like 7pm and couldn't manage to fall asleep till almost 11, where I returned to my usual sleep pattern of waking up at 2am followed by crappy/ crazy dream.
Last night the dreams were really messed up, like total destruction, everything out of control. I remember one where I was working in some sort of store when a tornado came through and I was just trying to keep from being ripped away, holding onto anything I could to stay. Then in another dream I was driving a car and I kept running over people and things, but I couldn't seem to stop. I wanted to stop and I was so horrified at what was happening that I actually had the thought in the dream of "I hope this is just a dream, please let this just be a dream".
I can't help but think it's how I feel about my life. Everything is being ripped away from me and I'm trying to hold on to any last vestige of normality... yet I'm out of control and I'm killing everything. I want things the way they used to be. I want to enjoy what I do and be happy. I want to paint (I've painted like 3 times in the last year and only one of those was a painting I did on my own, the other two were classes). I can't seem to enjoy anything anymore.
Tunica this last weekend was a nice escape. We left on Friday just before noon. After getting lost trying to find our hotel we found it at about 5:30. Since the trip was unplanned I hadn't really looked up poker tournaments or anything and the only one going on Friday night that we could make it to was at a casino that neither of us cared to play at again. We ended up going to the comedy club at Harrahs and then playing Blackjack + 3card poker, which thanks to a great dealer was a lot of fun, we left up $80. We got back to the hotel at like 1am and I think that was the best nights sleep I've gotten in weeks (or longer), and we were still up by 9am. Saturday, we played in a small tourny at Harrah's - we both sucked. I played some video Blackjack while I waited on Paul to get put out and left that up $30. Dinner. Then we went to try to play another cheap tourny but got there too late, so we played some more BJ+3. The dealer sucked, so we ended up at a regular BJ table with the dealer from the previous night. I still did crappy but at least we had fun. We were back at the hotel by 9:30, worn out. Again I slept. Sunday we got up, had breakfast and came home. When I got home my brain was working (for a change) so I installed our new modem that had been waiting on me for almost a week. Sad that something so simple was something that I couldn't even fathom doing earlier in the week. I got about 2 hours out of my brain before both it and my body told me I was totally exhausted, so I crawled into bed at like 7pm and couldn't manage to fall asleep till almost 11, where I returned to my usual sleep pattern of waking up at 2am followed by crappy/ crazy dream.