Hoe's over Bro's? not always I guess
Went to Oceana last nite. Was meant to be going on a date with Phil but he had to cancel. Was worried bout seeing Samir there but wanted a good nite out with the girls and so was determined not to let the fact of my boy shit prevent me from having a good night.
Only prob was, annemarie and sarah obviously didnt feel the same. I love the two of them to pieces but listening to Sarah CONSTANTLY go on about Karl, and still not do anything about it, and likewise with annemarie and moe...I was losing it. Every time I wanted to dance either Sarah would say dont go anywhere cos she needed me or annemarie would dance only in the vacinity of Moe...which meant in the vacinity of Samir. It became blatently obvious that neither one of them even realised how hurt I am with the whole Samir thing when Sarah then tried to get us to move CLOSER to where Samir and his mates were, cos Karl was there.
There was just no getting out of it...as much as I tried to dance and forget he was there, and I deliberately didnt mention issues of him with the girls cos I didnt wanna bring them down and wanted it to be a good girly nite, they were all me me me. If we talked,it was about a guy. If we danced, it was for a guy's benefit. I'd had enough. I felt bad shouting at both of them... but I was so hurt!
I know it comes across that I am just begrudging them because they have guys and I dont... but that's not it. It's a difficult situation... annemarie + Moe, Sarah + Karl, Mel + rob, maria + henry.... and then me + Samir only past tense. All my friends seeing all his friends - I cant escape him.
But I jst expected them to know how hard this is for me...I've told them my fears often enough. i didnt want to be alone! To walk on my own, where samir can see me, to be stuck between two couples all over each other, to be reminded that these are HIS friends, to give him the opportunity to come up to me, when I am vunerable, to not be able to talk to the ppl I needed most cos they DIDNT CARE what was going on cos they had what they wanted.
He ended up coming up to me in lazees. He kissed me on the cheek and asked if i was ok. I smiled, tho I couldnt look at him and said yeah fine. He said "Are you sure?", I said yeah and he replied "I dont think so. No You're not." I looked at him and my face said it all. I looked away and he left. I was so upset and I needed my friends and they just...didnt care. I hailed a taxi... I couldnt stand there any longer playing fucking gooseberry. Both Sarah and annemarie have apologised... and I still love them to bits but they just dont get how much they let me down. It wasnt just any night... I was seeing samir in the climax of everything going on with us right now. It wasnt just them with guys... they were with HIS guys. And it wasnt any friends... it was two of my closest friends who are meant to know how important it was tht they were there for me last nite. Whatever, it's done with now and I still come across as begrudging, even tho I am happy for them.
Work today was shit, was so fuking tired. Went to su and got new affiliate card, went to asda, met vic in wanderer for a coffee, came home and slept for few hrs.
Phil txt... meant to be meeting him tomorrow but not sure what I gonna do yet.
Cant wait to get home for xmas.
Only prob was, annemarie and sarah obviously didnt feel the same. I love the two of them to pieces but listening to Sarah CONSTANTLY go on about Karl, and still not do anything about it, and likewise with annemarie and moe...I was losing it. Every time I wanted to dance either Sarah would say dont go anywhere cos she needed me or annemarie would dance only in the vacinity of Moe...which meant in the vacinity of Samir. It became blatently obvious that neither one of them even realised how hurt I am with the whole Samir thing when Sarah then tried to get us to move CLOSER to where Samir and his mates were, cos Karl was there.
There was just no getting out of it...as much as I tried to dance and forget he was there, and I deliberately didnt mention issues of him with the girls cos I didnt wanna bring them down and wanted it to be a good girly nite, they were all me me me. If we talked,it was about a guy. If we danced, it was for a guy's benefit. I'd had enough. I felt bad shouting at both of them... but I was so hurt!
I know it comes across that I am just begrudging them because they have guys and I dont... but that's not it. It's a difficult situation... annemarie + Moe, Sarah + Karl, Mel + rob, maria + henry.... and then me + Samir only past tense. All my friends seeing all his friends - I cant escape him.
But I jst expected them to know how hard this is for me...I've told them my fears often enough. i didnt want to be alone! To walk on my own, where samir can see me, to be stuck between two couples all over each other, to be reminded that these are HIS friends, to give him the opportunity to come up to me, when I am vunerable, to not be able to talk to the ppl I needed most cos they DIDNT CARE what was going on cos they had what they wanted.
He ended up coming up to me in lazees. He kissed me on the cheek and asked if i was ok. I smiled, tho I couldnt look at him and said yeah fine. He said "Are you sure?", I said yeah and he replied "I dont think so. No You're not." I looked at him and my face said it all. I looked away and he left. I was so upset and I needed my friends and they just...didnt care. I hailed a taxi... I couldnt stand there any longer playing fucking gooseberry. Both Sarah and annemarie have apologised... and I still love them to bits but they just dont get how much they let me down. It wasnt just any night... I was seeing samir in the climax of everything going on with us right now. It wasnt just them with guys... they were with HIS guys. And it wasnt any friends... it was two of my closest friends who are meant to know how important it was tht they were there for me last nite. Whatever, it's done with now and I still come across as begrudging, even tho I am happy for them.
Work today was shit, was so fuking tired. Went to su and got new affiliate card, went to asda, met vic in wanderer for a coffee, came home and slept for few hrs.
Phil txt... meant to be meeting him tomorrow but not sure what I gonna do yet.
Cant wait to get home for xmas.