my mind
So I realized today that I am a worthless excuse for a human being. Why do I say this, well for many reasons. I don't mean to sound like I am pitying myself in any part of this explaination but it always seems to sound that way in all of these entries. But I have to say one thing before I start typing anymore. Ask yourself the sdame question I asked myself while lying on the bathroom floor as I cried the last ounce of whatever the emotion was... anyway, is it actually possible to feel, write, or type in a way that one would ask or pronounce a sense of pity if that being doesnt care about themself in the first place? I don't even know hpow to try to begin to answer that question. It just seems to me that I can't ask or fel something that I don't even know that feel anymore. I am not even sure that I can feel it anymore.
I care for a lot of other things in my life and I can give those things my undivived attention, love and respect but when it all comes down to it, my mind will not have the same feelings for itself. its like a road you know you have taken a million times before but one day you go down it and it judt stops. I want so bad to be able ro be like everyone else but I can't experience my true emotions. All I have felt most of my life is, according to others, not healthy. When everybody else smiles and has joy in there life I just have the unrelenting need to have pain and anguish. not to mention the ever present need to worry about every little thing. It would be normal and healthy I suppose to worry about things that you have control over like a test or something but it is rediculous what I worry over. I fret about other people's mistakes and I think to myself maybe I could have done something at some point in my life to change that person's life to prevent that from happening. Or I worry about how other people think about themselves. Reality would tell one that other people's feelings about themselves are self learned and self restrainable, but still I go on living everyday trying to take care of everybody else.
And then I realize that all that time that I was trying to take care of everybody else I have actually failed them all. I have tried to rescue everybody else and solve everybody elses problems, whether these problems are real or i just think they have problems that i can fix to make myself feel like I am doing something constructive in society, and I never look in the mirror to find my own mistakes or flaws until I cant do anything to attempt to fix them. Instead I put them somewhere deep inside me and I don't let them come out until they feel like they are killing me. There are always two sides to the coin; I want poeple to see what I am going through so that they might try to help me becuase I certainly can't do this anymore by myself. But I then think, why would I want anyone else to have to suffer like I do. why would I want them to have to take on my problems along woith their own simply because I can't handle my life. So I stay quite and hope to god they wont waste their time on me.
All the years when I was growing up I always thought my family was to busy for me. which in a sense I suppose they were but its not like it was their fault. I mean, my mother had to take care of four children by herself becuase my father was not allowed back in the household. which in no way did I expect my mom to give complete attention to me nor did I feel that she gave extra attention to any of my siblings. SHe is a strong person for taking on the responsibilty of raising four kids singlehandedly, one of which was mentally and phsically handicapped. But when a child grows up in that environment they have this natural insecurity. Mine was soley based on the fact that I wanted to be "normal" like all of the kids at school and have a father. Not because all of the other kids didnt have non-retarded siblings. I never held that against my sister. In fact I think she taught, not only me, but my entire family, what life is really about and how to charish it. But somewhere along the road that natural insecurity developed into this feeling inside of me that I was supposed to take on the responsibitly of taking care of others to pay respect to my mother and sister. Which in itself is somewhat of a healthy thing for a young person to feel. To learn at a young age to feel the need to care for others can be good unless it is an obsession like mine. When this notion or any notion for that reason becomes distorted to the point where it is unhealthy it needs to be interveened. And most parents can tell when there is something physically or mentally wrong with their child. But my whole life was a hiding game from my family and friends. Like I metioned before with the coin thing, I didnt want them to worry about anything else. They didn't need my stupid problems sto deal with.
So eighteen years later I guess I am the same as when I was a child. I still can't show how I really feel about my life. I have gotten a little bit better but thats only because I feel I don't have much time left in my life. After a near death experience one tends to be mentally altered for the rest of their life. I realized that afternoon in the ER that by me holding back all of those emotions when I was a child, I had developed this horrible distortion of how I was supposed to be. I didn't have to be told that by any of the dovtors there and yet I still haven't told them that about my whole suicide experience. more later
I care for a lot of other things in my life and I can give those things my undivived attention, love and respect but when it all comes down to it, my mind will not have the same feelings for itself. its like a road you know you have taken a million times before but one day you go down it and it judt stops. I want so bad to be able ro be like everyone else but I can't experience my true emotions. All I have felt most of my life is, according to others, not healthy. When everybody else smiles and has joy in there life I just have the unrelenting need to have pain and anguish. not to mention the ever present need to worry about every little thing. It would be normal and healthy I suppose to worry about things that you have control over like a test or something but it is rediculous what I worry over. I fret about other people's mistakes and I think to myself maybe I could have done something at some point in my life to change that person's life to prevent that from happening. Or I worry about how other people think about themselves. Reality would tell one that other people's feelings about themselves are self learned and self restrainable, but still I go on living everyday trying to take care of everybody else.
And then I realize that all that time that I was trying to take care of everybody else I have actually failed them all. I have tried to rescue everybody else and solve everybody elses problems, whether these problems are real or i just think they have problems that i can fix to make myself feel like I am doing something constructive in society, and I never look in the mirror to find my own mistakes or flaws until I cant do anything to attempt to fix them. Instead I put them somewhere deep inside me and I don't let them come out until they feel like they are killing me. There are always two sides to the coin; I want poeple to see what I am going through so that they might try to help me becuase I certainly can't do this anymore by myself. But I then think, why would I want anyone else to have to suffer like I do. why would I want them to have to take on my problems along woith their own simply because I can't handle my life. So I stay quite and hope to god they wont waste their time on me.
All the years when I was growing up I always thought my family was to busy for me. which in a sense I suppose they were but its not like it was their fault. I mean, my mother had to take care of four children by herself becuase my father was not allowed back in the household. which in no way did I expect my mom to give complete attention to me nor did I feel that she gave extra attention to any of my siblings. SHe is a strong person for taking on the responsibilty of raising four kids singlehandedly, one of which was mentally and phsically handicapped. But when a child grows up in that environment they have this natural insecurity. Mine was soley based on the fact that I wanted to be "normal" like all of the kids at school and have a father. Not because all of the other kids didnt have non-retarded siblings. I never held that against my sister. In fact I think she taught, not only me, but my entire family, what life is really about and how to charish it. But somewhere along the road that natural insecurity developed into this feeling inside of me that I was supposed to take on the responsibitly of taking care of others to pay respect to my mother and sister. Which in itself is somewhat of a healthy thing for a young person to feel. To learn at a young age to feel the need to care for others can be good unless it is an obsession like mine. When this notion or any notion for that reason becomes distorted to the point where it is unhealthy it needs to be interveened. And most parents can tell when there is something physically or mentally wrong with their child. But my whole life was a hiding game from my family and friends. Like I metioned before with the coin thing, I didnt want them to worry about anything else. They didn't need my stupid problems sto deal with.
So eighteen years later I guess I am the same as when I was a child. I still can't show how I really feel about my life. I have gotten a little bit better but thats only because I feel I don't have much time left in my life. After a near death experience one tends to be mentally altered for the rest of their life. I realized that afternoon in the ER that by me holding back all of those emotions when I was a child, I had developed this horrible distortion of how I was supposed to be. I didn't have to be told that by any of the dovtors there and yet I still haven't told them that about my whole suicide experience. more later