the effects of extreme isolation
I've been secluded for a very, very long time. Years. Much of the time I've been sick, and the message has been to stay away from people, from exposure. Even when that's not the case, and it hasn't been for a while, I live at home with my parents. My treatment and recovery forbid a job or further schooling. All my friends live far away, be they at college or starting careers, so it is rare that I see somebody. The only times I leave the house are strictly medical, labs and doctors, save the seldom occasion that a close friend visits town.
And I'm realizing now that this solitude has deeply changed me. I only leave this house maybe once or twice a week, strictly for medical reasons. I have become a traditional shut-in. I suffer a crippling social anxiety much, much worse than anything I have ever experienced before. Unfamiliar social situations terrify me. The thought of meeting people I don't know scares me so much that I will do anything to avoid it. I will lie, deceive, hide behind my illness- whatever. Especially to avoid meeting people alone.
I no longer am capable of conversation. I was never exceptionally good at it, but I used to be able to hold up my end, sometimes I could make people laugh, come off vaguely charming, relate a story. Somehow this fundamental skill has completely deteriorated and disappeared. Maybe this is because my life disappeared as well; I no longer have anything to talk about without a job or school or friends. And now nothing is more absolutely socially frightening to me than the idea of trying to sustain just a simple conversation with any single person who I consider anything less than a very close friend with whom I am completely comfortable. I simply have nothing to contribute. I don't know how to undo this. My own social anxiety is devastating what few potentially new friendships I have left.
And balanced atop this overwhelming problem, a girl came to town this week. She's a girl with whom I've been at least close friends for about eight years. She's a girl who I took to prom, a girl who I've on more than one occasion actively sought more than friendship with, a girl who has, on occasion, desired more than a friendship with me. But nothing more than an intimate friendship has never come to fruition, and last year she met and moved in with a guy who sounded like he may be permanent. Perhaps partially because of this, but likely because we are both terrible at correspondence, we haven't spoken in six months.
She left a text message on my phone, four lines simple: "I'm home for good!" Last I'd heard, the plan was to live out of state with her boyfriend indefinitely, and I so don't know what to make of this. All I know is, honestly regardless of whether it would be to foster a friendship or a relationship, I would like very much for her to be a part of my life again, and to be a part of hers. I would love to go anywhere and talk and catch up and simply spend a little time with her. And, while doing so, to leave as absolutely favorable an impression as possible.
But I know her well enough to know that she's, by nature, usually a quiet person, and not easily outgoing. And with the onus of the social lead on my shoulders, knowing that it's up to me to be the one to carry conversation and to be entertaining, alongside the especially high pressure I feel from wanting so badly to reestablish this connection with her and leave as favorable an impression as possible, all I feel is complete and absolute paralysis. Isolation has altered, even wrecked the person she used to know, and as much as I want to, reinserting myself into her life is something I no longer know how to do. A simple conversation with someone who is reaching out to me has become an insurmountable ordeal that overwhelms me with paralysis. I feel pathetic.
And I'm realizing now that this solitude has deeply changed me. I only leave this house maybe once or twice a week, strictly for medical reasons. I have become a traditional shut-in. I suffer a crippling social anxiety much, much worse than anything I have ever experienced before. Unfamiliar social situations terrify me. The thought of meeting people I don't know scares me so much that I will do anything to avoid it. I will lie, deceive, hide behind my illness- whatever. Especially to avoid meeting people alone.
I no longer am capable of conversation. I was never exceptionally good at it, but I used to be able to hold up my end, sometimes I could make people laugh, come off vaguely charming, relate a story. Somehow this fundamental skill has completely deteriorated and disappeared. Maybe this is because my life disappeared as well; I no longer have anything to talk about without a job or school or friends. And now nothing is more absolutely socially frightening to me than the idea of trying to sustain just a simple conversation with any single person who I consider anything less than a very close friend with whom I am completely comfortable. I simply have nothing to contribute. I don't know how to undo this. My own social anxiety is devastating what few potentially new friendships I have left.
And balanced atop this overwhelming problem, a girl came to town this week. She's a girl with whom I've been at least close friends for about eight years. She's a girl who I took to prom, a girl who I've on more than one occasion actively sought more than friendship with, a girl who has, on occasion, desired more than a friendship with me. But nothing more than an intimate friendship has never come to fruition, and last year she met and moved in with a guy who sounded like he may be permanent. Perhaps partially because of this, but likely because we are both terrible at correspondence, we haven't spoken in six months.
She left a text message on my phone, four lines simple: "I'm home for good!" Last I'd heard, the plan was to live out of state with her boyfriend indefinitely, and I so don't know what to make of this. All I know is, honestly regardless of whether it would be to foster a friendship or a relationship, I would like very much for her to be a part of my life again, and to be a part of hers. I would love to go anywhere and talk and catch up and simply spend a little time with her. And, while doing so, to leave as absolutely favorable an impression as possible.
But I know her well enough to know that she's, by nature, usually a quiet person, and not easily outgoing. And with the onus of the social lead on my shoulders, knowing that it's up to me to be the one to carry conversation and to be entertaining, alongside the especially high pressure I feel from wanting so badly to reestablish this connection with her and leave as favorable an impression as possible, all I feel is complete and absolute paralysis. Isolation has altered, even wrecked the person she used to know, and as much as I want to, reinserting myself into her life is something I no longer know how to do. A simple conversation with someone who is reaching out to me has become an insurmountable ordeal that overwhelms me with paralysis. I feel pathetic.