(no subject)
Today I blew off Hunter...just wasn't feeling up to it. So I spent the day with my sister. We watched two movies, Little Women & All I Want. Now I'm drinking...because I can.
I'm in this weird mood, wanting to be alone, but wanting to be around others. Pretty much the same thing anyway when I think about it. I'm missing out on something, which is someone to be with, I crave for it, I know I need it, and that makes me feel weak. Say what you want, but fuck it man I'm a cancer, we crave companionship. I hate being so alone. It's like you have all these feelings and emotions and you need that one person you can be close with to share it with, to have that one person know you better than you may even know yourself. Yeah, I'm fucking weak.
I can't help it, it's in my nature. It's something I recently thought I had with this one guy, but he turned out to be the worst kind. Because he used me, yeah he really did. And this has happened before. Something must be wrong with me. I desperatly just want to give up and move on and be okay by myself. But I'm so use to it by now that you think I could handle it. True is I can't really handle anything. Not even the most simple things. All I do is cry, and when I'm not I'm thinking about it. And yes I've been cutting too, I spoke to my friend Alan about it, we were both in an off mood and I was able to open up to him. I still feel real empty inside, even though I'm filling up on alcohol right now I know it won't get me through the long run but just through the night. I feel low and I don't care anymore. There's nothing I can do but deal in my own way, even if that means drinking and cutting, I can't apoligize for who I am or make excuses, this is me..take it or leave it. I owe nothing to anyone. So what the fuck man I just want things to change and be different either that or I wish I was dead. I give up way too easily. I'm hopeless. I've lost so many people in my life, from family to friends. Nothing lasts forever I suppose. Yeah okay Krista's depressed, she get's depressed you know, god I wish she could see this. My mother knows nothing about me it's too hard to let her in. I've been raised to keep everything to myself, my mouth stays shut and therefore my heart is closed off. I can love my friends, I can think I'm in love with a guy, but love doesn't really exist within me. I hate myself so fucking much right now and I hate everything around me. I just wish I could get away, even just for a day. I don't want to be me. I know what they'll say...we all go through tough times and you'll pull through. But I've felt this way forever. I don't even know why I'm writing this shit.
All I know is that I need to get away but I never can. So much shit is going down right now that I don't even know where to begin. I just want everything to be okay for once, and all around me okay. But it's like were cursed and everything has to be this challenge this hard thing to overcome and I'm sick of trying to get through everything. And I hate doing it alone.
You can't help me...
I'm in this weird mood, wanting to be alone, but wanting to be around others. Pretty much the same thing anyway when I think about it. I'm missing out on something, which is someone to be with, I crave for it, I know I need it, and that makes me feel weak. Say what you want, but fuck it man I'm a cancer, we crave companionship. I hate being so alone. It's like you have all these feelings and emotions and you need that one person you can be close with to share it with, to have that one person know you better than you may even know yourself. Yeah, I'm fucking weak.
I can't help it, it's in my nature. It's something I recently thought I had with this one guy, but he turned out to be the worst kind. Because he used me, yeah he really did. And this has happened before. Something must be wrong with me. I desperatly just want to give up and move on and be okay by myself. But I'm so use to it by now that you think I could handle it. True is I can't really handle anything. Not even the most simple things. All I do is cry, and when I'm not I'm thinking about it. And yes I've been cutting too, I spoke to my friend Alan about it, we were both in an off mood and I was able to open up to him. I still feel real empty inside, even though I'm filling up on alcohol right now I know it won't get me through the long run but just through the night. I feel low and I don't care anymore. There's nothing I can do but deal in my own way, even if that means drinking and cutting, I can't apoligize for who I am or make excuses, this is me..take it or leave it. I owe nothing to anyone. So what the fuck man I just want things to change and be different either that or I wish I was dead. I give up way too easily. I'm hopeless. I've lost so many people in my life, from family to friends. Nothing lasts forever I suppose. Yeah okay Krista's depressed, she get's depressed you know, god I wish she could see this. My mother knows nothing about me it's too hard to let her in. I've been raised to keep everything to myself, my mouth stays shut and therefore my heart is closed off. I can love my friends, I can think I'm in love with a guy, but love doesn't really exist within me. I hate myself so fucking much right now and I hate everything around me. I just wish I could get away, even just for a day. I don't want to be me. I know what they'll say...we all go through tough times and you'll pull through. But I've felt this way forever. I don't even know why I'm writing this shit.
All I know is that I need to get away but I never can. So much shit is going down right now that I don't even know where to begin. I just want everything to be okay for once, and all around me okay. But it's like were cursed and everything has to be this challenge this hard thing to overcome and I'm sick of trying to get through everything. And I hate doing it alone.
You can't help me...