Along way from home.
I must probably be one of the worst friends ever, today is one of thoes rare occasions when my friends call me up but I just need to be alone. I really havn't had any time to myself or my friends latley and so I dub myself the worst friend ever. I feel like I cant make enough time in the day to make everyone happy. Things are getting hard again, I feel like Im pushing people I love and care about away because Im scared of hurting them. Sometimes I wish things could change and be better, but ya know that woulnt ever happen, things always only get worse because when you have something gravity will only naturally pull it down. Things don't go up on their own but sometimes you arent strong enough to pick them up. You may not have caught any of that, but if you think of someone holding something it makes sense well, to me. I always wonder what it would be like to move. Almost all of the people I know have moved here from somewhere, and Im barley even friends with the ones I've known all my life who were born in Jacksonville. I guess thats just another thing that makes me different from my friends, is that I dont have some far off place to talk about in casual conversation or the people I used to know. All the people I used to know I still know, its just things change and we don't talk anymore so you kinda have to sit on the sidelines and just watch their life unfold like a baseball game, some hits some misses. Taylor is the best example I have of this. And I just think thats a sad thing to happen to people, being shut out and shutting others out till you just have to observe from a distance. I wonder if thats what its like for people who've been in jail and had to leave their families and watch as someone else stepped in and took their place. But you know you shouldnt disrupt whats become of your old life. And so you just have to start over. Thats a horrible thing. Anyways my point. I've always wanted to move. I dont want to leave the place I love, and call home. I jsut want that incredible oppertunity to restart your life and make it the way you want it. Not have to be plauged by past memories or the way you were when you were younger and stupid. You can be a compleatly different person, wear different clothes listen to different music. But when youre stuck in this zone where you are you and youve been labled sinse you were 12, you cant break free and get out of that shell that people created around you and then that you strenghtened around yourself. You cant change without being ridiculed or critizised. You cant become a different person without changing your surroundings and your lifestyle. I just wish I had that. Everything would be different. All my friends who've moved here Im not sure if they see thigns that way I dont think they see it as a chance to make thigns different. Its like the grass is always greener on the otherside. Everything always looks better when you're on the other side of the situation. Well not always but I guess thats how they seem? I guess I just want to break free. And change who people think I am, I dont like alot of the judgments that people make about me. The bitch who thinks shes better than everyone. (I dont know where that one came from but I hate it.) Then there is the bookworm, the loser,the girl who doesnt know anything. Who isnt what she wants to be, who looks to other people and tries to figure out why she cant be that happy. People just dont understand whats happening inside my head. I cant take all the pressures that other people can, because I care too much about everything to beable to jsut take a breath and say "things are okay, things will be okay." If it isnt obvious yet, Im slipping back into my depression anxiety craized point of view/mood/whatever. Things are getting hard again. I dont feel like myself then when I sit down and think why. I dont know myself. I dont know who I am just what I want to be for other people. Myabe Im crazy. But if I am I dont want to be that person. The girl that needs someone to look after her, I dont need that., but I do need it so badly. I just wish I was better. Real. Something.
She wants to go home, but nobodies home.
She wants to go home, but nobodies home.