(no subject)
i never feel like updating anymore, or if i do it's only about stupid little unimportant things. writing in this thing is too depressing...
anyways still no job and it's so horrible. i'm very depressed lately so i figured.. fuck.. why not update.
maria's gonna have the baby sometime tonight or tomorrow. i have to finish making that blanket tomorrow morning. means i have to get up early, or not sleep tonight, which is probably what's going to happen.
i still can't believe how much i've let everything in my life fall apart. it's incredible how much i've lost in spite of what i've gained, which is starting to seem small in comparison. idon't know. i need to get back my drive and a little determination. it's too hard being in a slump like this. the easiest thing to do is just keep on doing nothng about it. i guess i'm just hoping for some easy way out, but that isn't going to happen and i know it. i just keep letting myself think about all of the distant possibilities for making things better with the smallest amount of effort and i shouldn't, because it just makes me lazier. i don't know anymore.i'm thinkng more and more, lately, about changing alot of things, at least changing how i look, because that's what seems to be holding me back the most, and for those who don't know me, it's not even that extreem. it's just different enough to hold me back. it seems so trivial to me. why does that affect people's judgements on what kind of person you are, even before they know you. it would be so much easier for me if i just got rid of all the piercings and shit ya know? i mean i'd be, to say the least, pretty unhappy about it, but it would make alot of things easier for me, especially the way people look at me, people who don't know me. i know it shouldn't matter, but after a while when people are always looking at you differently than they used to and making judgements based on your appearance, it starts to wear you down. you kind of start to put up this barrier and you get a little more defensive. i kind of hate it. i mean why does a piece of metal through your nose or lip automatically make you some kind of deviant? it's not any different from ear piercings, wich are accepted, but for some reason any other well-taken-care-of professional piercing is looked down on and sets you apart from the crowd, and not just apearance wise, if that makes any sense to you. people assume that you have some fatal personality flaw or something. people always say that it's just for looks and there's no point to piercings and it's unnecessary; people say they're so unimportant and don't get why you get upset when a job makes you remove piercings, but if you look at it that way there are a million other things that most people do every day that are purely aestetic, like shaving, or styling your hair, getting your nails done, or dying your hair. these things are all also less extreme forms of modification, but some people couldn't live without doing these things. i mean what if your job told you that you had to stop shaving your armpits or using hair gel because it "just doesn't look natural"? you'd think they were crazy. well forcing employees to remove piercings or cover tattoos seems very similar to me. it seems so silly for other people (employers) to care so much about your appearance as long as your clean and professional, what difference does it make if you have a lip ring or a nose ring?
walter's been sick. it sucks. people being sick depresses me, especially walter being sick. he looked really sad tonight when i saw him. it made me sad. it's even worse because he has no voice so he can't even talk to me, and for three days now he's not wanted to be around me because he's sick. so not only can i not see him, but i also can't talk to him. i hate it. he's the single person i'd be perfectly content just sitting at home all night with, just being together and talking and stuff, and i can't do that and i hate. even just not being able to talk to him makes me feel so lonely. i guess i'm just being crazy about this because i'm so depressed anyways and listening to those who stayed, by Murder by Death on repeat really doesn't help the situation.
i won't see him tomorrow either because andrew's having a party at his house cuz his parents are away and saturday's his birthday. i just can't get excited about things like that anymore. lauren papa's coming with me, which i'm a little excited about because i haven't hung out with her in forever. but lately going out and partying and getting wasted has lost it's appeal. i'd rather be doing something better with my time, even though i rarely do. i just sit around and think about it. maybe things will get better soon. i hope.
it already seems that walter's changed me alot.