Update Again
Hmm today, same as yesterday, the day before, day before that. Ha yeah, you get the point. Nothing new, nothing changed.
We got McDonalds last night, and I knew Kara was working even before we got in, just had the feeling, and of course she was. Gah it's so awkward being near her. Oh well, that's my fault.
Hmm Amanda came over, I wasn't home long though. So I didn't really get to talk to her much. We watched some comedian, wicked funny shit. It was all mostly racist that I saw, but still wicked funny.
Hmm well Sam asked me today whether or not I had any feelings for Michelle when I see her in the hallway, and I can and did, truthfully answer "no". I just don't any more. Sure there will always be the memories, but after all she put me threw I'm just... numb now. Of course every once and a while I'll think about the memories, but seeing her doesn't depress me any more. It feels like I never knew her, I guess I never really did. That's not something I thought I'd ever say after I'll I've been through with her. Of course I miss her, well the her I thought she was. She was there everytime I hit rock bottom. The worst times of my life, she was there, I guess that's just because it was the only way she could keep her cover, but no matter what her motives, she was still there. The only times I've gone to school crying because I was so upset- she was there. Everytime I got in a fight with my mom- she was there. Everytime my dad went psycho- she was there. She was even literally here one time, she knows how pyscho he can get... Agh. But even with all that, the pain she put me through will never be compare to when she's been there. I'm just numb to it all now. And I'd never be able to put myself through it again, no matter how much I miss the good times. I can't. She's done it twice to me, within a year. Yeah great friend I tell ya...
There's only a few people that I see and feel regret for the whole Michelle thing, not that it was even my fault, but just by ending it with her, so many more friendships were lost... The worst one being Jeremy. Gah. That one kills me. And because of just that, I will never be able to forgive Michelle, because I know she had something to do with it. Because she knew how much I liked him, he was the only person that has made me smile like that, in my whole life. And she took it away, and for that I will always resent her. And I know she did, because she knew how much I hate something else, and she told everyone it and had people harass me with it. So I just know she was behind it because she didn't want me happy because I made her unhappy be letting her know that I knew she was lying. But I guess it just wasn't meant to be... But I will be jealous of any girl that ever hugs him, because for a moment they will be holding what was once my whole world.
Yeah. So I can't wait(!) until summer. It should be sick. First I'm going to Florida, to Disney World and what not. Then I'm going to take Drivers Ed.- hopefully with Amanda! That'd be awesome. And the beach. Shall be fun. Just to be out of school will be a relief, even though we're going back wicked early. :-(
I'm kind of talking to Stacey again. So that's kind of good. I just don't want to get hurt again. But even if I do, I know that I can handle it. God wont give me anything that I can't handle.