"Now All That's Left Of Me, Is What I Pretend To Be"
Yeah I all ready updated today, but I don't really care, I want to update again.
Hmm well I'll start off by saying the concert SUCKED lol. We didn't know half our notes, especially in the last song- we didn't know like any of our notes... oh well.
I'm so torn right now. A part of me wants to push everyone away, especially Stacey because she's the one working her way in, and say Fuck The World, like I did earlier this year, actually not too long ago. That part just wants to be alone, get through high school and find myself. But the other part of me wants to say fuck my attitude and let go of all my pain and let people back in, such as Stacey. But I can't get hurt again, not now. I want things to settle, but I guess this is as settled as things are going to get. So I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe a reason, a reason to let people back in. Maybe I'm waiting for my stage to be over. Maybe I'm waiting for her to make the first move. I really don't know. I don't know if I'll get hurt again, I don't know if this is just a stage, I don't know if I'll just keep pushing her further if she does make the first move.
A part of me thinks I should forgive Stacey, that she really is sorry for what she's done. But the other part thinks that since Michelle hurt me, then apologized, but hurt me in the same way, that that's just what Stacey will end up doing too. Maybe she will. Maybe not. I'm not as physic as I'd like to be.
But the other dilema about this is who she's friends with. I'm not particularly fond of any of her friends. But I'm not going to tell her it's them or me, that's just not me. Plus I'm not at a point where it even matters because I don't even know what I'm doing. But I know that it could pose a problem if we did become friends again, seeing as that was part of the problem while we were friends. But I think I'm getting a head of myself.
Then there's Sam. Boy that girl's gonna drive me batty. She claimed she was so mad at Michelle, that she wanted to yell at her, she gave Allyson that note. But yet, Michelle still hasn't changed because she doesn't know how to. So the problem in their friendship hasn't changed but that's okay we'll just stay friends with her and just ignore the problem. I guess it just gets me so mad because that's what I would do, and that's not a friendship. Ignoring all the problems doesn't make them go away. Yeah I guess that is why it makes me so mad, because what we hate in others is what we hate in ourselves or fear to become like.
Life is just so awkward now. I always feel like every time I turn around there's someone giving me the evil eye. Okay not quite, but every where I go, there seems to be someone I don't like, or doesn't like me, or what ever. Like everytime I look around there's either Michelle or Allyson or Jackie or Kara or Ashley or David or Tiffany or Jess or the many others I've left out- boy I never thought there'd be so many people. I feel like there's always someone that I have to watch what I say because someone might take it the wrong way or something, not that I ever actuall do, but it feels that way.
I've learned that's the only way to live. Is to be yourself and have no shame. Because once you let people get to you, then that's it, they know it. I don't care if someone doesn't like the clothes I wear, the way I wear my hair, the way I talk, what I talk about, or anything. It's my life. I hate how people let others control them because they're so self conctious. It's annoying. If you're going to care about what people think of you to the point that if someone doesn't like your shoes you go and change them. Or if someone's picking on you or something you wont say or do something. People need some self respect.
I've been so nostalgic today. I miss being friends with certain people. Granted I'm not willing to go back there. But while I was there, it was fun. There were so many great times with Michelle and the gang. Wow, writing Michelle felt so foreign like she was never really there- wow but any ways. I remember the first time I met them at the mall. My mom drove me and I was the first one there, it was like me Michelle and Counrtey, and in the car my mom was like "are you sure they're meeting you here, and not going to blow you off" haha I was frreeaaaked after she said that, not that I let her know that. Especially since I was waiting for them for what felt like forever lol. But they showed up and it was fun. I only told Michelle that story a few months ago. Hahaha and I remember talking to like Michelle. Hilary, Courtney, Colleen, and some other people all in a chat room- hahah booy was I confused, I couldn't keep any one straight lol. Then there was the school plays last year, and it started thundering and lighting sooo loud, it like shook the gym. Then we ran outside during intermission, but it stopped raining, so we went back in. But when it was over there was soo many puddles, so me Michelle Jacquie Colleen and people all were running and jumping in puddles, we were SOAKED lol. Then there were all those times at the campsite. And cleaning her room. And all the school dances, and "freddy", and Elizabeth's birthday party- rolling down her hill. Then there was alll those trips to Canobie Lake, and riding the starblaster thing over and over just because there was a hot guy working it, and of course we had to tell him that lol. Gosh so many good times... such a shame it's all over now...
I'm so sad that the preschoolers left today though. I'm going to miss seeing them, they made my days. Granted I wasn't ecstatic about going outside to get them and what not, but once they were there, gosh I just love 'em. They're so interesting to watch. They're so much smarter than most people give them credit for. They can comprehend so much. They even start having their little "cliques" without even realizing they're doing it. It's just so facinating how their brains work. Agh, I'm going to miss them :-(.
Another year of school is almost over. Only two more years before I'm out of here. How depressing. I'm going to miss my mom so much. We do so much together, and once I'm gone she's not going to have any one to do anything with really. I'm going to miss our little girls days, going to the mall or something. Coaching cheerleading. Boy those were some good times. She was great at coaching, she made it fun. Gah. depressing.... and it's all almost over. Only two more school years. Wow I never thought I'd get here. I remember being in first or second grade, on the playground talking about how cool it'd be to be in high school. To get to driving. And here I am. Time has flown by. Wow.
Aight I'm out...
Hmm well I'll start off by saying the concert SUCKED lol. We didn't know half our notes, especially in the last song- we didn't know like any of our notes... oh well.
I'm so torn right now. A part of me wants to push everyone away, especially Stacey because she's the one working her way in, and say Fuck The World, like I did earlier this year, actually not too long ago. That part just wants to be alone, get through high school and find myself. But the other part of me wants to say fuck my attitude and let go of all my pain and let people back in, such as Stacey. But I can't get hurt again, not now. I want things to settle, but I guess this is as settled as things are going to get. So I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe a reason, a reason to let people back in. Maybe I'm waiting for my stage to be over. Maybe I'm waiting for her to make the first move. I really don't know. I don't know if I'll get hurt again, I don't know if this is just a stage, I don't know if I'll just keep pushing her further if she does make the first move.
A part of me thinks I should forgive Stacey, that she really is sorry for what she's done. But the other part thinks that since Michelle hurt me, then apologized, but hurt me in the same way, that that's just what Stacey will end up doing too. Maybe she will. Maybe not. I'm not as physic as I'd like to be.
But the other dilema about this is who she's friends with. I'm not particularly fond of any of her friends. But I'm not going to tell her it's them or me, that's just not me. Plus I'm not at a point where it even matters because I don't even know what I'm doing. But I know that it could pose a problem if we did become friends again, seeing as that was part of the problem while we were friends. But I think I'm getting a head of myself.
Then there's Sam. Boy that girl's gonna drive me batty. She claimed she was so mad at Michelle, that she wanted to yell at her, she gave Allyson that note. But yet, Michelle still hasn't changed because she doesn't know how to. So the problem in their friendship hasn't changed but that's okay we'll just stay friends with her and just ignore the problem. I guess it just gets me so mad because that's what I would do, and that's not a friendship. Ignoring all the problems doesn't make them go away. Yeah I guess that is why it makes me so mad, because what we hate in others is what we hate in ourselves or fear to become like.
Life is just so awkward now. I always feel like every time I turn around there's someone giving me the evil eye. Okay not quite, but every where I go, there seems to be someone I don't like, or doesn't like me, or what ever. Like everytime I look around there's either Michelle or Allyson or Jackie or Kara or Ashley or David or Tiffany or Jess or the many others I've left out- boy I never thought there'd be so many people. I feel like there's always someone that I have to watch what I say because someone might take it the wrong way or something, not that I ever actuall do, but it feels that way.
I've learned that's the only way to live. Is to be yourself and have no shame. Because once you let people get to you, then that's it, they know it. I don't care if someone doesn't like the clothes I wear, the way I wear my hair, the way I talk, what I talk about, or anything. It's my life. I hate how people let others control them because they're so self conctious. It's annoying. If you're going to care about what people think of you to the point that if someone doesn't like your shoes you go and change them. Or if someone's picking on you or something you wont say or do something. People need some self respect.
I've been so nostalgic today. I miss being friends with certain people. Granted I'm not willing to go back there. But while I was there, it was fun. There were so many great times with Michelle and the gang. Wow, writing Michelle felt so foreign like she was never really there- wow but any ways. I remember the first time I met them at the mall. My mom drove me and I was the first one there, it was like me Michelle and Counrtey, and in the car my mom was like "are you sure they're meeting you here, and not going to blow you off" haha I was frreeaaaked after she said that, not that I let her know that. Especially since I was waiting for them for what felt like forever lol. But they showed up and it was fun. I only told Michelle that story a few months ago. Hahaha and I remember talking to like Michelle. Hilary, Courtney, Colleen, and some other people all in a chat room- hahah booy was I confused, I couldn't keep any one straight lol. Then there was the school plays last year, and it started thundering and lighting sooo loud, it like shook the gym. Then we ran outside during intermission, but it stopped raining, so we went back in. But when it was over there was soo many puddles, so me Michelle Jacquie Colleen and people all were running and jumping in puddles, we were SOAKED lol. Then there were all those times at the campsite. And cleaning her room. And all the school dances, and "freddy", and Elizabeth's birthday party- rolling down her hill. Then there was alll those trips to Canobie Lake, and riding the starblaster thing over and over just because there was a hot guy working it, and of course we had to tell him that lol. Gosh so many good times... such a shame it's all over now...
I'm so sad that the preschoolers left today though. I'm going to miss seeing them, they made my days. Granted I wasn't ecstatic about going outside to get them and what not, but once they were there, gosh I just love 'em. They're so interesting to watch. They're so much smarter than most people give them credit for. They can comprehend so much. They even start having their little "cliques" without even realizing they're doing it. It's just so facinating how their brains work. Agh, I'm going to miss them :-(.
Another year of school is almost over. Only two more years before I'm out of here. How depressing. I'm going to miss my mom so much. We do so much together, and once I'm gone she's not going to have any one to do anything with really. I'm going to miss our little girls days, going to the mall or something. Coaching cheerleading. Boy those were some good times. She was great at coaching, she made it fun. Gah. depressing.... and it's all almost over. Only two more school years. Wow I never thought I'd get here. I remember being in first or second grade, on the playground talking about how cool it'd be to be in high school. To get to driving. And here I am. Time has flown by. Wow.
Aight I'm out...