AI recap
Yikes, those naps can be a killer. Now I'll never get to sleep
tonight. Maybe if I re-cap the results show, it will properly enervate
me and I can belly flop right back under the comforter. Let's
bulldoze, shall we?
Paula Abdul is working the crane camera tonight as it hovers somewhere
over Seacrest's manscape and then cuts out in mid-pitch, only to
speed dizzyingly toward the remaining six idols. Taylor has a
sickening look on his face, as though he's worried he may go home
tonight, but if anyone is coated with more Teflon that Pickler, it's
our Mr. Hicks. Or maybe he had one too many Fatburgers before the
show; we can really only speculate.
Ryan walks out to thunderous applause and the smirk on his face makes
me realize he really does think it's all for him. He says we broke a
record and I'm assuming he's going to say biggest viewer drop
during Pickler's song last night, but no, he means votes. 47 million
votes were cast. Well, yeah, you basically doubled the number of phone
lines. What did you expect, douchebag?
The contestants are all squeezed onto one single couch this week.
I'm guessing the other is being strapped onto the roof of
Seacrest's Miata to help fill that new house of his. Ryan intros the
judges and says that a bunch of whiny, pissy little Fox viewers called
last night and complained that Simon was too harsh on the contestants.
Huh???
Let's for the moment try and put together a composite sketch of the
sort of person who might take the time to call a network and complain
about an Idol judge's criticism.
Virgin
Lives with his mother
Backne
Possibly born with one testicle
mid 30s to late 40s
No friends
Growing up, had a poster of Tony Randall on his bedroom wall
Aspires to be more like his hero, Ryan Seacrest, but still shops at
Chess King.
To make matters worse, Simon actually says he was wrong about Katharine
and wants to apologize. But Simon, here's the thing- YOU WEREN'T.
Of all the things he ought to be apologizing for, like calling Taylor
drunk or his six week long continual diss of Elliott or any sweater
that shows off his high beams and THIS is what he fesses up to? If
you're going to recant what you said, then how do you expect to be
taken seriously? Here's my theory- Pickler is quickly tanking, which
they weren't expecting to happen last night, and now Katharine has to
be the pimped female of the bunch, so Simon was probably ordered to say
what he said.
This means two things- 1) Katharine is not going home tonight. 2)
She's going to be even more egotistical than ever.
Ryan then tries to get into some banter with the judges and Simon
brings up the feud between him and Paula and since that wasn't on the
cue card, Seacrest is at a loss and sputters a couple lame ad-libs
until Randy swoops in on a heavy duty vine and begs to get on with the
show. We see clips from last night and watching back, I'm also
convinced that Bocelli has a hygiene problem. Like being a native
Italian couldn't tell you that off the bat, I think it probably goes
beyond that, like water hitting him in the dark freaks him out and he
probably just takes a wash cloth to the dainty parts every now and
then. I bet Foster would spill the beans if you got him drunk enough.
We see McPhee sing again and after that stomp-vamp ridiculousness, I
still think the judges should stand by their original assessment.
The pimp-o-mercial features "Call Me," sung by the Doodletown
Pipers and a dog that was more photogenic than all the Idols combined.
I'm sure when Kellie looked in the box of newborn puppies, it made
her misty for her own son back home. In any case, I still wouldn't
buy a Ford.
Ryan introduces Andrea Bocelli and David Foster and the audience rises
as though they have any idea who these two are. Ryan asks Bocelli how
it was working with the Idols and Andrea may possibly have a hearing
problem, as well, as there's about a ten second delay between
Ryan's question and his answer. Maybe someone is feeding him lines
in Italian, probably telling him jokes about Kellie and how short Ryan
is. Bocelli will be singing something called "Because We Believe,"
which sounds like a reject title for one of the American Idol singles.
I've heard Bocelli sing in English and it's not pretty. Rather it
sounds like Annie Sullivan is on the sidelines, finger spelling the
lyrics into his palm and hoping he makes the connection. Bocelli is
singing about closing our eyes and I wish he'd take his own advice.
I mean, yes, the man certainly has a beautiful voice and amazing gift,
but since I don't wear adult diapers and watch re-runs of Matlock,
this really isn't my kind of muzak. I'm bored. As bored as I was
last week during Rod Stewart's song, and during Kenny Rogers' song
and Barry Manilow's song and Stevie Wonder's song. (I was merely
aghast at Shakira's song, since there was so much to snark on that I
was anything but bored.) AARP ought to consider advertising during the
results show. Bocelli finishes and the Idols rush the stage. Of
course, Pickler is front and center, as usual, slack jawed and hoggy.
Back from the break and Lisa Tucker is in the audience. Since she's
not performing tonight, there's no reason to take a hot comb to that
mess of curls. Ryan pimps her appearance on tomorrow night's episode
of the OC and here's a riddle- Which is more irrelevant? Lisa Tucker
making an appearance on The OC or The OC itself?
Ryan is breaking the contestants into three groups of two. Katharine
and Chris on the far side, Taylor and Elliott in the middle and Paris
and Pickler on the near side. Seacrest says one group contains the top
two, one group contains the bottom two and the last group is somewhere
in the middle. (Somewhere? How about right in between, you dumb fuck?)
Ryan sends Taylor and Elliott back to the couches, they are safe. I
can't tell you how happy I am to have been wrong about Elliott going
tonight. I'm not the least bit bugged for not guessing right.
Elliott hugs Paris and Taylor hugs Kellie, then sneaks back off to the
couch to dip into his stash of panic M&Ms, which will tide him over
until the buffet backstage and then the send off dinner. Plus, he's
got Dominos on speed dial, just in case.
Back from the break and Ryan says that Katharine and Chris received the
highest number of votes last night. Katharine does her little
superiority dance. All she needs is a bun and some smart shoes and she
could rival The Church Lady. This is why Simon needn't have
apologized. The judges comments polarized the audience to pity vote
for Kat. Taylor doesn't look pleased to not be in the group with the
highest votes and he tears into the side of a roast suckling pig. So
that leaves Paris and Kellie. Ryan asks Kellie if this is the first
time she's been in the bottom three and Kellie says yes. Ryan asks
Paris how many times this makes for her, since she practically has tape
marks onstage with her name on them and she says, it's my first time-
being in the bottom two. Don't be so sure, sister. Kellie says,
unmiked (after how many weeks, the sound crew finally figured out to
shut off her mic when she babbles???) that she was pretty sure she was
in the bottom after last night's performance.
Folks, it's another 6th place controversial elimination. Kellie
Pickler is going home.
YEAH!!!!!!!
The remaining Pointer Sisters wail, gnash and give it up to Jebus in
the audience that their precious Princess Piss is safe. And this means
that if Elliott knocks it out of the park again next week, he might
actually make the final four.
We see Kellie's journey that consists more of malapropisms than
actual performances. Katharine wipes away a tear, or is it a sneer.
Paris fakes wiping away a tear and Elliott is choked up, because as I
just did, he realizes he has a shot at the Top Four. Ryan cues Kellie
to thank her fans and that unleashes a torrent. Maybe she'll talk
long enough that we'll be spared her song. And that's exactly what
happened. Thank you, Tivo.
Well, let this be a lesson to you, American Idol. You can shove
someone down our throats and manipulate us into voting for them for
only so long, but if they haven't at least got some of the goods,
they aren't going to last. Kellie, I won't miss you. I won't
even miss bashing you. I never for a moment liked you or bought your
schtick and I still grieve for all the more talented people who could
have had your spot and would have benefited from it more greatly. Now
please go fade back into obscurity where you belong. Until next
week...
Seagulls out.