Running in Quicksand
...And now the little voice in my head screams "RUN!!! RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!" and don't look back, don't ever look back.
I don't want to be disappointed, I don't want the many disappointments to merge into a small lump of hurt and for that hurt to lodge itself square in my chest and my lungs so that I find it hard to breathe, among other things that will become hard to do once I can't stop thinking about someone.
I'm slowly starting to freak out. Yet when I say "Let's not do this anymore", I want to hear "Don't go, we'll work it out" (cue You and Me vs the World by Space).
The whole problem is that I don't know what I want. I have not, for a single day (if I am to be brutally honest) known what I've wanted for the past 6 years of my life... or perhaps it is more accurate to say Who I want.
The first hint of a dark cloud in my currently blue sunny skies and I think it's going to turn into a hurricane. It never just rains... it friggin pours like crazy and rips up all the foundations that I've built and my defensive walls.
I can't communicate. I don't know how anymore. And I'm not just talking about between myself and other people, but between my head and my heart. What do I feel? How do I put that into words? Do I feel at all? I don't want to hope. I don't want my emotions to be tied to another person's actions. I don't want to smile at the sound of someone's voice. I don't want to wait stupidly by my phone.
I spend all my time second-guessing the other person that I can't even decipher my own feelings. I can't decide if it's just purely egotistical basking in flattery or if I actually feel something. I don't know. I want to let it all go, but then again I don't really want to stop. But I want to be level-headed. I want the evenness of emotions that comes with not seeing someone... I just cannot deal with the ups and downs. They scare me too badly. I hate roller-coasters.
And the worst part is that I'm a chronic textbook example of chicken-itis in the relationship context. I don't chase. I haven't said "I want" or "I love you" or "I miss you" first in... as long as I can remember. In fact, if I can get away with it, I don't say it at all... I don't even think about it. I put in emotional blockers in my head so those words NEVER even ring in my brain. They're not allowed. They're taboo. On the outside, it's got so bad now that I don't even call first. I return missed calls but other than that I never never dial anybody's number. I won't even text... And the most telling symptom of relationship chicken-itis is the inability to break up with anyone. I just accidentally deliberately fuck up so badly that I force the other person to call it off. It's not pretty I know, but I do that. So to all the guys I've done this to. I'm sorry. And the really fucked up thing? I sit around and cry about the end of the relationship for days. I can't say how much I HATE this. I absolutely hate this whole dating thing. People should just meet in a dark room where no one is allowed to speak nor see the other person. The only thing you're allowed to do is have sex. No cuddling after either.
You love me, you miss me, but I don't trust it, I can't see it, I can't touch it. It's just words people throw around like "wah it's damn hot outside nowadays, the weather is crazy yah?" What is this love, how is it formed? What am I loved for and is that even sustainable? Is it even true?
I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know how to hold you. I don't know how to make things better when I'm struggling to keep my own head above water. I can't touch you and feel your pain because I am not in touch with my own.
I want someone to tell me that it's okay, don't freak out because he's got all the answers. He'll never make me feel like I'm waiting hopelessly for a call. He'll never make me feel like I'm living day-to-day, hour-to-hour, just waiting for the executioner's axe to drop and sever the flimsy thread that holds us in orbit around one another.
I hate waiting.
I don't want to be disappointed, I don't want the many disappointments to merge into a small lump of hurt and for that hurt to lodge itself square in my chest and my lungs so that I find it hard to breathe, among other things that will become hard to do once I can't stop thinking about someone.
I'm slowly starting to freak out. Yet when I say "Let's not do this anymore", I want to hear "Don't go, we'll work it out" (cue You and Me vs the World by Space).
The whole problem is that I don't know what I want. I have not, for a single day (if I am to be brutally honest) known what I've wanted for the past 6 years of my life... or perhaps it is more accurate to say Who I want.
The first hint of a dark cloud in my currently blue sunny skies and I think it's going to turn into a hurricane. It never just rains... it friggin pours like crazy and rips up all the foundations that I've built and my defensive walls.
I can't communicate. I don't know how anymore. And I'm not just talking about between myself and other people, but between my head and my heart. What do I feel? How do I put that into words? Do I feel at all? I don't want to hope. I don't want my emotions to be tied to another person's actions. I don't want to smile at the sound of someone's voice. I don't want to wait stupidly by my phone.
I spend all my time second-guessing the other person that I can't even decipher my own feelings. I can't decide if it's just purely egotistical basking in flattery or if I actually feel something. I don't know. I want to let it all go, but then again I don't really want to stop. But I want to be level-headed. I want the evenness of emotions that comes with not seeing someone... I just cannot deal with the ups and downs. They scare me too badly. I hate roller-coasters.
And the worst part is that I'm a chronic textbook example of chicken-itis in the relationship context. I don't chase. I haven't said "I want" or "I love you" or "I miss you" first in... as long as I can remember. In fact, if I can get away with it, I don't say it at all... I don't even think about it. I put in emotional blockers in my head so those words NEVER even ring in my brain. They're not allowed. They're taboo. On the outside, it's got so bad now that I don't even call first. I return missed calls but other than that I never never dial anybody's number. I won't even text... And the most telling symptom of relationship chicken-itis is the inability to break up with anyone. I just accidentally deliberately fuck up so badly that I force the other person to call it off. It's not pretty I know, but I do that. So to all the guys I've done this to. I'm sorry. And the really fucked up thing? I sit around and cry about the end of the relationship for days. I can't say how much I HATE this. I absolutely hate this whole dating thing. People should just meet in a dark room where no one is allowed to speak nor see the other person. The only thing you're allowed to do is have sex. No cuddling after either.
You love me, you miss me, but I don't trust it, I can't see it, I can't touch it. It's just words people throw around like "wah it's damn hot outside nowadays, the weather is crazy yah?" What is this love, how is it formed? What am I loved for and is that even sustainable? Is it even true?
I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know how to hold you. I don't know how to make things better when I'm struggling to keep my own head above water. I can't touch you and feel your pain because I am not in touch with my own.
I want someone to tell me that it's okay, don't freak out because he's got all the answers. He'll never make me feel like I'm waiting hopelessly for a call. He'll never make me feel like I'm living day-to-day, hour-to-hour, just waiting for the executioner's axe to drop and sever the flimsy thread that holds us in orbit around one another.
I hate waiting.