Not a Child Anymore
I'm so fucking far away from where I want to be. The news depresses me so much. I've stopped looking at the property and rental pages because it's just so ridiculously expensive. How will I ever afford my own place. Starting at 200k, where in the world will I get 200k. I am fucking earning less that is the average for a graduate. I'm DEFINITELY earning less than what is due a 2:1, much less a 2:1 that includes actually writing a fricking dissertation. And I'm earning less than all my peers scattered the world over, even the ones doing fucking volunteer work. It's just too demoralising to hear that their first jobs afforded them enough money to rent a room...
And I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every day when I face the thought of a new work day. The weekends just mean more Mondays to come.
I haven't even eaten anything today besides 2 slices of cake this evening because I just don't have the time.
I just can't take it anymore and I feel like sobbing hysterically every night.
I know it's just learned helplessness or something. I'm not a child. I can stop this vicious cycle but where will I go. It's Singapore. No one can afford the bed they sleep in. No one ever earns enough money to send their kids to college loan-free. The prospect of a life relying on one loan after another, just a few short steps away from disaster is driving me nuts.
As a family we have never borrowed money for anything... well except for the property, but other than that everything has been paid upfront. I have never lacked for anything. Never. And I'm so grateful for a combination of great money management and years spent slogging.
But I'm young and I'm impatient and I just can't do this paradigm shift in my life where suddenly every penny is tight. And it is. Tight. I can't even afford to pay for the water, electricity and rent that I owe my parents. Well at least I can't do that and save at the rate I'm doing now. And even then, that's a really terrible low rate. I need to be able to start affording my own basic necessities. NOW!
What am I going to do with my life? If I walked out in front of a bus would I die? What the hell am I doing here? Why the fuck are we here?
I just want to sleep forever. Sleep... forever.
And I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every day when I face the thought of a new work day. The weekends just mean more Mondays to come.
I haven't even eaten anything today besides 2 slices of cake this evening because I just don't have the time.
I just can't take it anymore and I feel like sobbing hysterically every night.
I know it's just learned helplessness or something. I'm not a child. I can stop this vicious cycle but where will I go. It's Singapore. No one can afford the bed they sleep in. No one ever earns enough money to send their kids to college loan-free. The prospect of a life relying on one loan after another, just a few short steps away from disaster is driving me nuts.
As a family we have never borrowed money for anything... well except for the property, but other than that everything has been paid upfront. I have never lacked for anything. Never. And I'm so grateful for a combination of great money management and years spent slogging.
But I'm young and I'm impatient and I just can't do this paradigm shift in my life where suddenly every penny is tight. And it is. Tight. I can't even afford to pay for the water, electricity and rent that I owe my parents. Well at least I can't do that and save at the rate I'm doing now. And even then, that's a really terrible low rate. I need to be able to start affording my own basic necessities. NOW!
What am I going to do with my life? If I walked out in front of a bus would I die? What the hell am I doing here? Why the fuck are we here?
I just want to sleep forever. Sleep... forever.