Everyone Hates a Tourist
Finally cleared out some of the junk in my room. Boxes of shit that I meant to throw out but never did. Finally put up my posters as well. A little touch of Edinburgh over my mirror.
I feel a little bit more like home. There's still two large plastic bags of crap sitting around.
I guess we've got to give up sometime. So here's my concession to being here. I've cleaned up a bit more. Time to make a life and stop living out of boxes.
I wish I could be one of those people who could up and pack at any moment. I need to streamline my life and possessions. Just take down posters, stuff them into poster rolls. Grab the clothes and stuff them into my giant luggage. Throw open the doors of my home, get people to buy all my stuff and then off to the airport. No attachment anywhere, except to the people that I carry with me everywhere I go anyway. Box of photos. Heart of memories.
You never realise how much crap you accumulate just living from day to day. Sigh.
I'm supposed to be working, but I can't think with all the clutter. I need a vanity table. Some stainless steel contraption so that it's easy to clean the floor...
And I think sometime Friday, I lost my watch. I should probably be more upset, but I figure it's going to turn up somewhere and if it doesn't, then I won't wear a watch again. I hate knowing what time it is. It's such a frigging pain. Grabbing some measure of control by letting of time's coat-tails.
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D says (yes everyone warns me that words are cheap) that he'll wait on me. And I laughed at him. Date, see other people, but please don't let that Korean chick beat you up. I hear they're a violent bunch. The girl obviously has a thing for him since he's blown her off for the 3rd or 4th time now and she still wants to go out with him. (I really don't understand girls like that) I don't understand him. I don't understand anyone who would wait for me actually. It's long distance with no end in sight. But maybe he's waiting for August to wrap things up and to finally move on. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't cheat on people, something I can't say (anymore) that I won't do. I just don't quite get it.
I mean it's amazing and wonderful, but I don't want to be responsible for him... yet. Not that he's asking me to, which is another thing I find odd.
Everyone says words are cheap. But I think I can trust my judgment when I say that D would probably be the less damaging of the 2. He never once said he loved me and I'm so relieved for that. And with him I don't feel like I'm on trial, which I often feel when I'm around other guys. Like I'm constantly being judged, except the boys, but then they're like brothers.
I know curiosity killed the cat, but I have to admit that I'm curious. I don't quite get him or get this new situation I find myself in. I find myself pondering it even when I don't really care (or is it more accurate to say I don't really mind?).
I keep waiting for him to turn into an ogre or a toad. They all turn out to be toads in the end, some faster than the others, but he keeps surprising me. Just as I always seem to know when to say I'll visit, he always seems to know what to say. I guess the former feat is a little more amazing, but the latter is not too bad either. (I swear I have not been stalking him, it's all just coincidence) Maybe it's cause neither of us plays games. I like that. Or maybe it's cause we're too far away to annoy each other much. Or maybe the distance is a good thing because it means that there's no logical reason to lie to one another. No logical reason to play the games that people play when they like each other and so everything is real.
Neither of us ever made any promises and I like that. I like that we're doing these things not out of some misguided sense of obligation, but just because we feel like it. I think, I would like to believe, that he's not doing this because he thinks he owes me something. That would be the worst. I don't like the idea of tying someone to you. I've never liked it. I don't like emotional blackmail and all that other crap.
No one quite seems to believe that I don't really mind if he just stops talking to me. The truth is that I don't mind... at all. Yet this possibility, this thing, whatever it is, that hovers around the periphery of my real life, it intrigues me. I thought he'd stop writing by now. I really, really thought it would have ended way before now, but it's coming up to 6 months and he's still writing. I find this the most amazing thing of all. Yes, yes I have little faith. But can you really blame me?
Mrm. Time to start working.
I feel a little bit more like home. There's still two large plastic bags of crap sitting around.
I guess we've got to give up sometime. So here's my concession to being here. I've cleaned up a bit more. Time to make a life and stop living out of boxes.
I wish I could be one of those people who could up and pack at any moment. I need to streamline my life and possessions. Just take down posters, stuff them into poster rolls. Grab the clothes and stuff them into my giant luggage. Throw open the doors of my home, get people to buy all my stuff and then off to the airport. No attachment anywhere, except to the people that I carry with me everywhere I go anyway. Box of photos. Heart of memories.
You never realise how much crap you accumulate just living from day to day. Sigh.
I'm supposed to be working, but I can't think with all the clutter. I need a vanity table. Some stainless steel contraption so that it's easy to clean the floor...
And I think sometime Friday, I lost my watch. I should probably be more upset, but I figure it's going to turn up somewhere and if it doesn't, then I won't wear a watch again. I hate knowing what time it is. It's such a frigging pain. Grabbing some measure of control by letting of time's coat-tails.
------------------
D says (yes everyone warns me that words are cheap) that he'll wait on me. And I laughed at him. Date, see other people, but please don't let that Korean chick beat you up. I hear they're a violent bunch. The girl obviously has a thing for him since he's blown her off for the 3rd or 4th time now and she still wants to go out with him. (I really don't understand girls like that) I don't understand him. I don't understand anyone who would wait for me actually. It's long distance with no end in sight. But maybe he's waiting for August to wrap things up and to finally move on. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't cheat on people, something I can't say (anymore) that I won't do. I just don't quite get it.
I mean it's amazing and wonderful, but I don't want to be responsible for him... yet. Not that he's asking me to, which is another thing I find odd.
Everyone says words are cheap. But I think I can trust my judgment when I say that D would probably be the less damaging of the 2. He never once said he loved me and I'm so relieved for that. And with him I don't feel like I'm on trial, which I often feel when I'm around other guys. Like I'm constantly being judged, except the boys, but then they're like brothers.
I know curiosity killed the cat, but I have to admit that I'm curious. I don't quite get him or get this new situation I find myself in. I find myself pondering it even when I don't really care (or is it more accurate to say I don't really mind?).
I keep waiting for him to turn into an ogre or a toad. They all turn out to be toads in the end, some faster than the others, but he keeps surprising me. Just as I always seem to know when to say I'll visit, he always seems to know what to say. I guess the former feat is a little more amazing, but the latter is not too bad either. (I swear I have not been stalking him, it's all just coincidence) Maybe it's cause neither of us plays games. I like that. Or maybe it's cause we're too far away to annoy each other much. Or maybe the distance is a good thing because it means that there's no logical reason to lie to one another. No logical reason to play the games that people play when they like each other and so everything is real.
Neither of us ever made any promises and I like that. I like that we're doing these things not out of some misguided sense of obligation, but just because we feel like it. I think, I would like to believe, that he's not doing this because he thinks he owes me something. That would be the worst. I don't like the idea of tying someone to you. I've never liked it. I don't like emotional blackmail and all that other crap.
No one quite seems to believe that I don't really mind if he just stops talking to me. The truth is that I don't mind... at all. Yet this possibility, this thing, whatever it is, that hovers around the periphery of my real life, it intrigues me. I thought he'd stop writing by now. I really, really thought it would have ended way before now, but it's coming up to 6 months and he's still writing. I find this the most amazing thing of all. Yes, yes I have little faith. But can you really blame me?
Mrm. Time to start working.