The Application Process Pt. 2 - Fighting Tornados With Sand
Goal:
1) Steal as much as possible from the establishment before you are “sacked”
Introduction:
A wise man was believed to have said, “Stealing is fucking cool,” and sweet peppercorn, was he correct. Only in robbing a store can you achieve true, spiritual awareness and a badass haircut. Actually, you can get a badass haircut by modeling yourself after Zangief from Street Fighter. Yeah, I went there.
Requirements:
1) Follow PRECIESELY what is outlined in The Application Process Pt. 1 and you should have a steady job at any establishment (including presidency of the United States of America).
2) Work your job like it’s your corner. Whether it be bagging, cash, stocking, stripping, killing guys, raping men, whatever. DO IT.
3-A) Steal from customers. While they place their just-bought items into their cars, knock them out with some patented, Travis Trottier Instant Knockout Gas. While you’re at it, you may want to even steal their car, and if there are any children, be sure to run them over when you’re done. Keep in mind though, that this is not necessarily stealing from the store as much as it is stealing from the people who shop there. Stealing is stealing. Stealing is awesome, and remember that the “Ramming Speed” (RS) for children is at least 45 mi/hr, because those little buggers can dodge.
3-B) Steal things right off the shelves. Make the transfer from shelf to pocket in .25 seconds at most, or you aren’t good enough. In fact, if you don’t have the coordination to do that, you should probably quit and kill yourself, because you won’t even be hired at an elementary school as an art teacher. You loser.
3-C) Drive your car directly into the store, making sure to hit any employees working outside. This works best with a pick-up truck, as many items will fall into the bed. Run over the elderly you find. If this step is carried out at noon or just before closing, the “casualties” will be maximized. The RS for the elderly is AT MOST 10 mi/hr. This step is easiest and requires no further explanation.
4) OPTIONAL!! You are bound to be discovered if you use steps 3-A or 3-C, so you will need step 4. If you can carry out step 3-B, then keep on stealing, because you are a God. When you are confronted about your stealing tendencies, deny, deny, deny! This can’t be stressed enough! Follow up your denial with some patented Travis Trottier Instant Blinding Powder to melt their lying eyes out of their skulls. Finish with a flying double-corkscrew dragon uppercut to dropkick. Quit your job and burn the fucker down.
End Part Two
1) Steal as much as possible from the establishment before you are “sacked”
Introduction:
A wise man was believed to have said, “Stealing is fucking cool,” and sweet peppercorn, was he correct. Only in robbing a store can you achieve true, spiritual awareness and a badass haircut. Actually, you can get a badass haircut by modeling yourself after Zangief from Street Fighter. Yeah, I went there.
Requirements:
1) Follow PRECIESELY what is outlined in The Application Process Pt. 1 and you should have a steady job at any establishment (including presidency of the United States of America).
2) Work your job like it’s your corner. Whether it be bagging, cash, stocking, stripping, killing guys, raping men, whatever. DO IT.
3-A) Steal from customers. While they place their just-bought items into their cars, knock them out with some patented, Travis Trottier Instant Knockout Gas. While you’re at it, you may want to even steal their car, and if there are any children, be sure to run them over when you’re done. Keep in mind though, that this is not necessarily stealing from the store as much as it is stealing from the people who shop there. Stealing is stealing. Stealing is awesome, and remember that the “Ramming Speed” (RS) for children is at least 45 mi/hr, because those little buggers can dodge.
3-B) Steal things right off the shelves. Make the transfer from shelf to pocket in .25 seconds at most, or you aren’t good enough. In fact, if you don’t have the coordination to do that, you should probably quit and kill yourself, because you won’t even be hired at an elementary school as an art teacher. You loser.
3-C) Drive your car directly into the store, making sure to hit any employees working outside. This works best with a pick-up truck, as many items will fall into the bed. Run over the elderly you find. If this step is carried out at noon or just before closing, the “casualties” will be maximized. The RS for the elderly is AT MOST 10 mi/hr. This step is easiest and requires no further explanation.
4) OPTIONAL!! You are bound to be discovered if you use steps 3-A or 3-C, so you will need step 4. If you can carry out step 3-B, then keep on stealing, because you are a God. When you are confronted about your stealing tendencies, deny, deny, deny! This can’t be stressed enough! Follow up your denial with some patented Travis Trottier Instant Blinding Powder to melt their lying eyes out of their skulls. Finish with a flying double-corkscrew dragon uppercut to dropkick. Quit your job and burn the fucker down.
End Part Two