somewhere I belong
wow I just realized something. I'm 20. I am fucking 20 years old. I realize this at midnight. The being an adult just slapped me in the face. I no longer have that teenager mark. I dont feel 20. I still like that bubbly obnoxious ready for anything 17 year old. I also realized how much I miss Dylan. I miss him more than anything. I know that's not what anyone wants to hear, but it's what I feel. I fucking miss my hand in his and feeling complete. complete in silence, just that touch. and I cant help but to love him. love him with every inch of my being. I want so bad to be in his arms again. I miss him so much and he doesnt even know. He doesnt even know how much I love him and miss him and I doubt he ever will. Yeah our relationship got old. but that doesnt stop me from loving him the way I do. I feel like HE is the other part of me. That one that fits. yeah I like these other guys but Dylan is like dylan. i feel like I'm dying inside sometimes. more so now. I have to stop lying to myself and denying the fact that I fucking love him. because its killing me inside. ripping me apart. Then I sit here and wonder why the fuck I love him so much, he fucking fucked me over for some stupid little shit. My heart aches. I want so bad for him to love me back and I know it will never be. and its like no one understands what I'm saying and feeling. people say they do but they dont really get it. They dont get how much dylan meant to me. how much I trusted him. how much i fucking miss him. but all i can do now is cry about it. thats the only release I have from it. i hate fucking crying about this stupid bullshit and this is so much more than I can take. sometimes I feel numb to everything. I make myself numb to what I really feel. I guess thats what brings out the manic depressive in me. letting it all build up and hiding it and denying it. then one thing sets it free and then you're fucked. crying hysterically on the floor. begging yourself for mercy. letting stupid petty bullshit bring you way fucking down. all i can do is write. and I probably sound insane right now not making any sense. its just my clustered thoughts coming out. im going to sleep now.